Drop The World
by JayRC182
Summary: When Clare asks Eli for some space he loses it. In his attempt to escape his demons he turns the lives of everyone around him upside down leaving him more of an outcast then he's ever been. How will Eli cope with the aftermath of his actions on his own?
1. Losing Grip

I was suffocating her she said. My overprotective, high anxiety ways have finally pushed her away. The dance was tonight and she said that we could go together but after that she wanted to take a "break". Just thinking it devastated me. I had put everything into being in love with Clare and that was clearly my mistake. I shouldn't have listened to Adam. I should have listened to my head and not my heart. I had completely lost it on Adam earlier when he came to check on me. I told him that I wasn't going to the dance. I couldn't. Seeing her dressed up and smiling knowing that she wasn't mine anymore would only make me feel worse.

On top of everything else today was Julia's death anniversary. I could barely get out of bed this morning after having nightmares the entire night. I could barely bring myself to visiting her grave but it was there I decided I couldn't go to the dance. Today marked the day that I had lost both the girls I was in love with. Both because of me. I had dressed up as if I was attending a funeral and had a picture of Julia and I tucked in my jacket pocket on one side while I had one of just Clare in the other pocket over my heart. I had known what I was going to do since I woke up this morning but I just had to go back one last time and visit all the places that ever meant something to me. Places I went with Julia...places I went with Clare...even places I went with Adam. I said my peace and thanked whoever for letting me make memories with all of them in those places before ending up at the piercing parlor Clare and I had gone on our first date. I was startled by someone shouting my name.

"ELI! ELI WAIT UP!" It was Adam. I shook my head. He had clearly gotten my message sooner than I had intended him to. He was already in his dance attire and looked winded from running as I wiped my face but I knew it wouldn't hide my blood shot eyes.

"I can't talk now Adam. Just go, it's over. All of it." I said defeated and he looked at me strangely.

"What the hell are you talking about? What's over?" Adam asked looking frightened.

"Everything. I ruined everything...again. I've got to get away from here. I'm like fire, I ruin everything I touch. I've lost any piece of who I was before her and now I'm a shell of a person without her." I leaned against Morty and felt Adam's eyes on me.

"So what? You're just going to leave? What about your parents? What about me? Don't we matter?" Adam said getting angry.

"You don't need me Adam. You have all these things going on with you now and my parents...they'd be better off anyway. I'm a fucking mess. Everyone would be better off." Eli shook his head and Adam laughed catching his eyes.

"I can't believe you. You aren't just giving up on yourself but you are giving up on all of us that care about you. All of us who sat and listened to you when you needed it, all of us who accepted you at face value when the world wouldn't and now you just...drop us? Eli, you're like a brother to me..." Adam threw his arms out and I turned around to look at him. I knew the only way I could get him to leave was to hurt him.

"YEAH WELL NEWS FLASH: I'm not. You have a brother and I don't care about any of this. I'm done with it. All of it. Caring about all of you has been a complete waste of time and I regret even trying to make it work. Just go and live your lie until it comes crashing down." I shouted at him. I watched his face recoil and take a step away from me and I could tell he was upset.

"Eli...where are you going to go?" Adam asked and I pulled out the pain pills that were in my jacket pocket.

"Somewhere not even heartache can hurt me." I stared at the bottle and Adam gasped but tried to cover it up.

"Wh-what? You mean...Eli you can't k-kill yourself." Adam tried to fight a tear but I watched it hit the ground.

"Don't tell me what I can do. You don't mean anything to me. Can't you get that through your head? Just leave me the fuck alone!" This time I screamed at him.

"Eli-" Adam could barely finish his sentence as I started screaming again.

"JUST GO! JUST GO!" I screamed until he started running back toward the Dot. I felt like I was caught in a tornado and I just wanted the pain to stop. I got into Morty and started driving around.

**-Cut to the dance-**

Clare stood near the doors waiting for Eli to arrive. She had freaked out on him about giving her space because of everything that had been going on. Her parents divorce finalizing, Eli's paranoia due to Fitz's return and his overall anxiety about Julia's death anniversary she just couldn't handle it. She was lost in her thoughts as Alli approached touching her arm softly.

"You look so pretty. Don't frown." Alli said with a frown. Clare tried to smile as she checked her watch.

"Eli was supposed to be here already." Clare glanced at the entrance and didn't see him.

"I thought you were breaking up?" Alli asked and Clare looked at her saddened just at the thought.

"I don't really want to break up. That's a bit brash. I just need space. Everything at home and everything with him and Fitz...it's just overwhelming and the more he pulls it's like her is just trying to swallow me whole to avoid feeling anything. I told him I'd be there for him but he's got to know trying to push those feelings down will only make him feel worse." Clare explained and Alli looked at her strangely.

"Does Eli know that?" Alli asked.

"I don't know. I just sort of freaked out and told him he was suffocating me. I sort of told him that after tonight we needed to go on a break." Clare made a face and Alli rubbed her forehead.

"Well no wonder the boys a no show. If this is the big breakup dance I'd hide out too." Alli said and Clare ran her hand through her hair.

"AH I know! I shouldn't have been so harsh with him especially today being Julia's death anniversary." Alli shook her head.

"I'm sure he is at home feeling sorry for himself. Maybe give him a call?" Alli suggested and Clare took out her phone just as the doors opened. It was Drew. He ran over to the both of them and Alli looked at him disgusted.

"Clare! Come quick!" Drew said out of breath.

"Why? What's wrong?" She asked with her phone still clutched in her hands.

"It's Adam. He's freaking out." Drew explained and Clare and Alli both ran out behind him to see Adam in shambles in the hallway.

"Adam, what happened?" Clare asked trying to get him to stop sobbing.

"Eli...he's going to...he's going to hurt himself." Adam said through tears. Clare felt her stomach drop.

"Wh-what?" She asked. Adam gestured to her phone.

"Read your messages. He has some sort of pills. I don't know what they are though." He said and she stood up to flip her phone open and read the most heart wrenching goodbye text. She couldn't even finish it as she started getting upset.

"Where is he Adam? WHERE?" Clare started freaking out and shook him by the shoulders.

"I don't know. He's driving around. I couldn't stop him." Adam dropped his face to his hands and Alli put her arm around him to comfort him. Clare stood up and looked at her phone.

"Drew, drive Adam to Eli's so his parents know what's going on. Alli call 911 and report him as a drunk driver." Clare ripped a flier off the bulletin board and pulled the pen from the wall to write his information with his license plate on it and handed it to her as she sprinted to the office. Clare tried to compose herself as she dialed his number over and over.

"Pick up Eli. Pick up the phone." Clare pleaded until she heard the line pick up but he didn't speak.

"Eli! Where are you? Are you okay?" Clare was pacing back and forth as she listened to him breath.

"Why would you care?" Eli spat nastily.

"What?" Clare asked and Eli sighed.

"Don't worry about it, Clare. You won't have to worry about me suffocating you anymore." He sounded upset but drowsy.

"Eli, where are you?" She asked again but could hear Morty's loud engine.

"Doesn't matter. I'm in Morty." She was so confused by his cryptic words she was starting to panic.

"Listen to me, pull over and tell me where you are. I will come to you." Clare pleaded and she heard what sounded like him getting upset.

"It's too late Clare. I ruined everything again. I won't ruin your life like I did hers. I can't." Eli sniffled and Clare felt tears building in her own eyes.

"Stop talking like that! Everything is going to be fine. I just can't handle all of this right now. That doesn't mean I don't-" Clare was cut off by Eli.

"DON'T! DON'T SAY YOU CARE ABOUT ME. You can't handle all of this? You mean you can't handle me. I put everything I have into you Clare AND YOU RIPPED MY HEART OUT!" Eli shouted like nothing Clare had ever heard before. It was like his inner demons weren't afraid to come out now that he was away from her. It took her breath away but she gathered enough air to respond.

"Eli please...before you do something stupid." Clare pleaded but could hear Eli getting upset.

"You made a promise remember? That you'd never leave me…well now you don't have to. I love you Clare..." Eli trailed off and Clare thought she heard a thump.

"Eli..." The thump was followed by the most heartbreaking noise she could have ever hear through the phone as the sound of car horns blaring followed by tires screeching, a loud boom of a collusion, breaking glass, metal crunching and screams that weren't from Eli.

"ELI! ELI ANSWER ME!" She cried knowing she wasn't going to receive any response. Her heart stopped listening to the people scream in horror right before the line went dead.


	2. Fall To Pieces

Sav had pushed through the doors upon hearing a scream in the hallway and approached Clare who was still screaming into her phone. He grabbed her shoulders and she was trying to form words. The sounds of sirens flying past the school caught there attention and Sav drug Clare by the arm to his Dad's truck to follow the sirens. When they reached the site of the crash everything was taped off and there were crowds of people just staring. Clare didn't even wait for the truck to stop before jumping out and running towards the flashing lights. Glass and twisted metal lie on the pavement and when she caught site of Morty she felt her heart stop. He was mangled beyond repair and flipped upside down. To think anyone would have survived would be naive. But there he was being pulled from the heap of metal, bloody and unresponsive. Clare screamed his named as the paramedics put him on a stretcher and cut the front of his dress shirt open. Clare collapse into Sav. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. She watched through blurred eyes as the boy she loved slowly quickly slipped away in the back of an ambulance.

"It's going to be okay Clare." Sav held Clare tightly as she sobbed. It wasn't until he saw the other car and its victims did he feel like the bottom had fallen out.

"Oh my God…"

-**Cut to the hospital**-  
[Eli's POV]

I woke startled feeling my body jump slightly and it didn't take me too long to figure out I was in a hospital bed. I felt like I had…well like I had been in a car wreck. I had been on the phone with Clare and something inside of me just gave up. I lost the willpower to go on and just closed my eyes for what seemed like a moment when I felt like Morty had been hit by a semi and picked up in a tornado. I blinked a few times before seeing Clare sleeping in a chair next to the bed. She had a black dress that feel below her knees and her denim jacket over top of it. Her hair was a bit messy and her eyes looked irritated and puffy even closed. I wanted to reach out and touch her hand but the sound of my stomach growling loudly caused her to adjust in the chair making her blue eyes open slightly until they met mine. She sat up quickly looking me over.

"When did you wake up?" She asked hoarsely. Her voice normally only sounded raw like that when she had been crying hysterically. I remember because that's how she sounded the night her parents told her they were getting divorced. I went to speak but couldn't. It was too dry. I watched her stand and hold a cup with a straw to my lips and I eyed it before sipping the cool water into my throat. It felt like I had been walking the desert eating sandpaper. I cleared my throat and put my hand up to my mouth.

"You look nice." I said and she sighed.

"I just got back from a funeral." Clare said simply. I didn't even know what day it was or how long I'd been in here.

"Ho-how long have I been here?" I managed to get out with a wince. Clare sat the cup down and stood nervously next to the bed.

"5 Days. You have a broken foot, a concussion and some staples in your stomach. There was some internal bleeding that they had to repair but other than full body pain, you'll be fine." Clare said sounding a bit saddened. I looked down at my IV sticking into my hand as I spoke.

"You sound disappointed." I said and I could feel an immediate heat rise in the air.

"I may have said and done a lot of things but you know I'd never wish something like this on you Eli. How could you even say that?" Clare sounded upset but she wasn't crying.

"I'm sorry." I whispered ashamed. Clare shook her head and rubbed her face.

"It's a bit late for all." She rubbed at her neck and I looked her over again.

"Why are you even here? I thought you were done with me?" I said feeling pain in my abdomen and putting my hand on it feeling the tender skin from the stitches.

"I…I never said I was done with you Eli." Clare was fighting tears now and I hated seeing her like that. I reached out to take her hand but she pulled away.

"But…you said you wanted to take a break…said I was suffocating you." I was pained to even repeat what Clare had told me not just a few days ago but she turned her back away from me to let some tears fall.

"You want me to be honest with you? Okay, to be honest Eli…you scare me. All of this scares me. The way you've been acting since Fitz got back. You've been having these freak outs where you get angry and controlling and you've become a loose cannon." Clare let her tears fall and I knew what she was saying was true. Just the thought of Fitz coming back made me angry and all the bullshit he feed me and Clare about wanting to start a new and find forgiveness? I read right through it while Clare played right into it.

"Now this…do you know what it felt like to see them pull you out of Morty and throw you in the back of that ambulance? Do you have any idea how much pain my heart is in right now? How selfish could you be? You know what it's like to lose someone you love tragically. Were you trying to punish me? Make me feel all that guilt and pain like you do with Julia?" I didn't think my heart could break anymore but it had. Clare was so upset and I felt like such a monster.

"I can make it up to you Clare. I promise." I pleaded and her eyes gave off such a pained hopelessness.

"You can't. Nothing you will say or do will ever make up for what you've done." Clare's words were like knives to me. I felt tears in the back of my eyes but I fought them as I looked away from her.

"The night of the accident…you weren't the only one who got hurt Eli." Clare's voice got soft. My eyes shot to hers quickly.

"What?" I asked and just the way her lips trembled I knew it wasn't good.

"That night…the car you hit…you killed someone Eli." I felt my heart stop dead in my chest. I hoped she was joking but watching her face crumble I knew she wasn't.

"Wh-who?" I could barely find the breath to ask and I was scared to death to even ask but I knew I had to. She cried a little bit more before pulling herself together.

"Declan Coyne." Clare's voice got caught in her throat as she said it and as the realization of my actions quickly rushed upon me I felt the tears roll down my face.


	3. Anywhere But Here

I couldn't believe it. There were few things I remembered about the accident but the reality of it all was that I took a life. No one could tell me otherwise. No one could talk me down like they did with Julia. I was driving the car. I was responsible for taking the life of one of Degrassi's most known and lovable students. Even I knew Declan. He was a nice guy, a friend of Clare's and most of the student body, twin to my best friend's girlfriend. He was someone's son, someone's brother. I broke down in the hospital that night after Clare told me to the point of where the nurses had to ask her to leave. I had found out later that Holly J was in the car with Declan that night but she managed to come out of it with a bit of a head trauma and a broken wrist. I had gotten a visit from Sav but didn't have the heart to face him. I could have killed his girlfriend. He tried to be supportive but there was no consoling me.

They had released me from the hospital after a week with a huge air cast on my foot which was proving to be incredibly annoying with crutches to boot. I felt eyes staring at me as my Dad drove us past the school. I got one glimpse of the huge memorial of flowers under the flag pole and couldn't handle my emotions. I looked away from the window and buried my face in my hands the rest of the drive.

When we finally got home Dad helped me get up to my room and upon opening the door I had to let out a saddened sigh as I looked at the pictures that sat on my night stand. Ones of Clare and I and even the ones of Adam, Clare and I made my chest ache. I flipped them down and lay in my bed. I felt like I could just lay here forever and it wouldn't matter. Everything had crumbled at my feet in a matter of days. My relationship, my life and my future had disappeared right before my eyes. I looked over at the only picture still staring at me and sighed.

"It would have been so much easier if it were me instead of you." I spoke to her picture as if she could actually hear me but she never spoke back. I closed my eyes and fought back another breakdown when I heard someone knock. My mom walked in and sat down next to me on my bed.

"You need to take one of your pain pills." She sat a glass of water down and I extended my hand for the bottle of pills but instead she opened it and gave me one.

"Mom, you can trust me to take pain medicine. Trust me, my foot is killing me." I said like it was no big deal throwing the pill in my mouth and drinking the water.

"Can I? I thought I could trust you with your anxiety pills." I knew they would tell her that they found all those in my system. I sighed ashamed.

"Babyboy, why didn't you come to me when you started having problems? You used to come to me all the time when something was bothering you. You could have told me. We could have gotten you help." Cece sounded so crushed.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to get the pain to stop. Everything got so hard to deal with and then I went and made it worse. I'm a monster now and everyone knows it." I don't even know how my eyes managed tears at this point. I'd been crying since I came to in the hospital yet here they are once again.

"Baby you aren't a monster. We all make mistakes." Cece tried to touch my hand and I pulled away.

"A mistake was taking those pills but I killed someone mom. I killed one of the nicest guys to walk the halls of Degrassi. I killed a girl's twin brother and another mom's babyboy." I gripped my hair and rocked myself back and forth. I felt her hand on my back and I jumped.

"We are going to get you help babyboy. Everything Is going to be fine. I promise." Cece wrapped her arms around me and I threw myself back against the bed and buried my face into the pillow.

"Please just leave me alone. PLEASE." I begged. She sniffled and I didn't have the heart to look at her.

"Your father and I have decided to get you back into therapy Eli. Maybe visiting Dr. Nichols will help you figure out what's going on inside your head." My mom leaned down and kissed the back of my head before I could feel the weight lift from the bed and her feet shuffle across the room.

"I'm sorry we've failed you babyboy." She tried to hold a strong tone but I could tell she was dying to breakdown as she shut the door. She had come back after an hour and I played sleep for a while listening to her talk on the phone with someone about the stitches on my stomach and the cut on my face. Dad had popped in a few times but I just told him I was fine and he left. It was about the fourth time someone had knocked and I was starting to get annoyed.

"I said I'm fine. Are you really going to check every hour?" I yelled with my eyes closed as the door opened. I opened my eyes quickly to see Adam standing in the doorway.

"Hey." He said simply as I sat up and wiped my face.

"Hey." I responded watching him walk into the room and sit on a computer chair next to the bed.

"Sorry I didn't come by the hospital. Clare said they weren't allowing a lot of visitors." Adam clasped his hands together and I nodded.

"How are you feeling?" He asked looking at my foot and back up to the bruises on my arms, neck and face.

"Like I was in a car accident." I said dryly. His eyes dropped and I remembered what I had said to him that night.

"Look, I know you don't want to be here so you don't have to drag this out." I said running my hand through my hair.

"Just because you gave up on our friendship that doesn't mean I have to. I just want to be here for you Eli. If you want me to leave then…I'll leave." Adam said sadly and sat there waiting for me to speak. When he was met with silence he sighed and got up from the chair and made his way to the door.

"H-how is Fiona doing?" I asked clenching my jaw. Adam looked back at me and the moment I felt his eyes on me I lost it again. He walked over to me and sat down next to me as I hid my face in my hands again. Adam seemed unsure but he put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a side hug.

"It was an accident Eli. You didn't mean to-" I cut Adam off with my sobs.

"I didn't mean to kill someone? Come on man, even you know that doesn't matter. I tried to escape my own pain and I took someone's life. How can you even look at me?" I felt my tears burn my eyes now and Adam still had a tight grip on my shoulders.

"Because no matter what you accepted me for who I was. You never judged me. You were always there for me. It's what best friends do and no matter what you'll always be my best friend." Adam hugged me tighter and I let my head fall back on his shoulder. I don't know why Adam cared about me. I was such an asshole the last time we talked and yet here he was telling me it was going to be okay and that he'd always be here for me.

"I'm sorry you got such a shitty best friend." I wiped my face and Adam chuckled.

"I'm a mess, you're a mess. I like to think we are pretty evenly matched." Adam hit my arm and let go of me so I could sit up. We sat in silence for a while until Adam's phone went off. He pulled it out and shoved it back in his pocket.

"I've got to go check on the Princess. Are you going to be okay?" Adam asked and I snorted.

"Yeah, I'm sure I'll be just fine." He caught my sarcasm and patted my shoulder.

"Things will get better Eli. Have a little faith and if you need me just call." Adam sat the picture of Clare, I and him back up and I smiled sadly. He walked to the door and I cleared my throat.

"Thanks...for being my best friend." I managed to get out bringing my swollen eyes to his as he turned around.

"Dido." Adam smiled before waving and shutting the door behind him. I took the picture into my hands and stared at it. Everything was so good back then. My mom took the photo. I was cleaning out Morty and had his back doors open for Clare and Adam to sit and pretty much watch me clean but Mom made me sit down in the middle and she took a picture of us. My best friend and my girl-well I guess now she's just...Clare. I clutched the frame to my chest and fell asleep.

**~*DREAMING*~**

_I was walking in the street. It had rained and I could smell the scent of wet grass as my feet left the street and walked across the grass. I was now in the park near Degrassi and as I walked I saw more flowers near the flag pole. When I got closer I noticed the picture wasn't of Declan…it was Adam. I knelt down and looked at all the signs and flowers and was so confused._

_"It took you long enough." My head whipped around when I heard her voice. There she stood. Dressed in a white gown that skimmed the sidewalk as she approached. Her long dark hair cascaded down her arms and her eyes stayed locked on mine._

_"Julia?" I said getting back to my feet. She looked away from me at Adam's picture._

_"He was such a sweet boy. He really did love you like a brother." She walked up and I could feel her arm brush against mine._

_"Wh-what do you mean…was? What happened to him?" I asked in almost a whisper._

_"He was killed. He was beaten to death by that boy Fitz when Clare refused to start seeing him. He was only 16." Julia's words made my heart shatter._

_"I could have stopped it. I could have-" She shook her head._

_"You died in the accident. You weren't around to stop it." I fell to my knees and put my hand on the picture._

_"What about-" She cut me off again._

_"Clare?" She said and her eyes traveled to the steps of Degrassi where Clare slowly walked down the steps dressed in all black, looking a mess and kept her eyes to the ground._

_"Clare!" I yelled but she didn't look up._

_"She barely made it through the rest of high school but a little after she graduated she ended up getting married to an abusive man, didn't go to college, never truly felt loved and died at the early age of 36." Julia's words continued to take shots directly to my heart._

_"How did she die?" I asked clenching my jaw._

_"Heart attack but anyone who knew her knew what killed her." I looked back into Julia's eyes and stood up._

_"What?" I asked and she smiled sadly._

_"A broken heart." I shut my eyes but when I opened them I was on the street where the accident happened. I looked around but didn't see anyone. I didn't hear anything. It was like I was in a ghost town. The wind gusted and I turned into it gasping as my eyes caught the site of Declan covered in blood. I turned away quickly but was met with a beaten and bloodied Adam._

_"Where were you?" He said as blood poured from his mouth. I spun around again and Julia was lying covered in road rash and blood, broken and in a heap on the ground. I felt my chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath but it was becoming difficult._

_"It's not real. It's just a dream. Wake up!" I mumbled to myself._

_"Eli." It was Clare's voice. I was afraid to look at her at fear that she was also broken._

_"Look at me Eli. Open your eyes." Her voice said and I felt hands touch mine._

_"No…I'm afraid." I said in a shaky tone._

_"It's just me Eli. Please look at me." Clare's voice was soothing and I slowly pulled my hands down but she was gone. I looked around but a blood curdling scream made me jump as I turned around to see Clare ripping her heart from her chest._

I jumped and screamed pulling myself from the nightmare. I was breathing heavy and had a cold sweat going as the door to my room flew open.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" Bullfrog asked. Cece ran past him and walked over to me.

"Just…just a nightmare." I said out of breath as Cece pushed my wet hair back on my forehead.

"Are you going to be okay to go back to sleep?" Cece asked. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep but if I told her that she would give me something.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Sorry to scare you." I said running my hand through my hair. Cece eyed me before kissing my forehead and returning to the door.

"Just yell if you need anything." Bullfrog said and I shook my head. They shut the door and I moved to put my feet on the floor. My foot was hurting again but so were my stitches as I peeled my shirt off. I walked over to the mirror to look at my scarred body. I was a fucking mess. I couldn't stand being here anymore but I knew there was no place else for me to go. I was trapped.


	4. Thank You For The Venom

The next few days passed so slowly it was almost agonizing. We had to meet with a lawyer and they set me up with community service and a rehabilitation program until the trial which I wasn't looking forward to at all. I was praying they would just lock me up and throw away the key but to no avail they were backed up with cases which means I will have to return to Degrassi. I begged Cece and Bullfrog to either home school me or transfer me but we just didn't have the money. Between ruining Morty, paying medical bills and court costs there was no way they could help me. I guess this is part of my punishment. To walk the halls of a school that hates me. I was hoping I could steer clear of Fiona if at all possible because I just couldn't handle that.

It was finally Sunday and I had been trying to mentally block out everything in order to prepare myself for tomorrow but it wasn't working very well. Around 6:30 I heard someone knock on the front door but didn't bother caring until the knock was on my door.

"Come in." I said from my next to my bed. The door opened and Clare stood with a box in her hand.

"Hey." She said softly with a weak smile that made my knees weak.

"H-hey, what are you doing here?" I asked shifting on my one crutch as she walked further into the room.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing…since you're going back to school tomorrow." Clare had a terrible poker face which made me sigh.

"So my mom called you." I said turning back to what I was previously doing which wasn't important but I figured if I tried to be rude she would just leave.

"I actually call every day to check on you. I figured she would have told you." Clare looked down at the box in her arms and I glanced at her.

"So let me guess, you thought you would come check on me and seeing as how you have a box with you I'm not assuming you are here to help me clean my room." I said sharply and Clare looked into the box.

"A-actually it's your things…the things you let me borrow. I figured you would want them back." Clare sat the box on my bed and I was quickly getting this stirring heat in my stomach.

"Well that's awfully sweet of you. Here, let me get yours." I took the box and dumped it on top of some other things in my room before rummaging through the places where I knew Clare's things were. A shirt of hers, her dad's watch, the hard copy of our Romeo and Juliet project and a few other things before shoving the box at her.

"You're free to go. If I forgot something let me know and I'll give it to Adam to give to you." I said with a face of stone. She shook her head and looked down into the box.

"I don't understand why you're being this way." Clare said sadly and I let out a laugh.

"Are you kidding me? If you're seriously in the dark about why I would be this way then you aren't as smart as I thought you were." I seethed and could tell she was starting to get riled up as well.

"Just because we broke up doesn't mean you have to treat me like crap. We were friends once." Clare said raising her voice a bit. I laughed.

"Yeah and you lied to me. You told me that you would never leave me but you did. I couldn't possibly be friends with a liar." I said harshly and she dropped the box.

"I'm not trying to leave you Eli. I want to be your friend but you've got things you've got to work out. We just…" Clare stopped herself from freaking out and lowered her voice.

"What? We just what?" I asked curiously.

"Maybe we just need to be friends." Clare looked up at me and her eyes weren't as light as I remembered. They seemed so much darker.

"Yeah well no thanks. I don't need any friends." I said bitterly. Clare shifted on her feet as I hobbled past her to open my door. She looked at me in disbelief before picking up the box and walking up to me. Just being that close to her made my heart stop. I missed her touch. I missed everything about her but I had to get over her otherwise I'd never be able to go on with my life.

"Well when you're ready to be friends you know where to find me." Clare stared at me and I tried not to look at her. Once she realized I wasn't going to look into her eyes she walked out of my room and down the stairs. I shut the door and leaned against it for a moment to collect my thoughts. This was going to be so hard.

**::MONDAY MORNING::**

I put my uniform on but I looked like a complete jackass with my huge cast on. Everything seemed so much harder with this damn thing. I had forgotten that I didn't have Morty to drive but even if I did my lawyer felt it was best to stick to carpooling for now anyway or at least until the trial. Apparently it would be an insult to Declan's memory for me to continue driving a hearse but it would take months to fix Morty anyway. I tried to shake it off as I walked out of my room. I managed to get down the stairs to see Bullfrog waiting in the kitchen.

"Ready to go?" He asked standing up and as I got closer to the door I started feeling sick to my stomach.

"I guess there is no getting out of this right?" I asked and he gave a weak smile.

"It'll be okay bud. Things will get better eventually and if you need anything go to the office and I'll come get you." Bullfrog clasped my shoulder lightly still afraid of further injuring me. We got in his car and headed for the school. The pain in my stomach got worse as we got closer to the school. I actually had to have Bullfrog pull over once to let me vomit before actually collecting myself enough to get within walking distances. He pulled up to the school and got out to help me from the car. It was like eerie silence had hushed the students as he handed my crutches back to me. I looked around at everyone and they glared back, eyes full of hatred and disgust that I even had the nerve to show my face again.

"Are you going to be okay?" Bullfrog asked me shutting the door. I nodded and threw my backpack over my shoulder as he stuck his hand out.

"Take your anxiety medicine. Call me if you need anything." Bullfrog handed me the pill and I popped it into my mouth before anyone could see as I started up the steps into the school. I got past security and tried to keep my head down as I walked through the halls. I made it to my locker and sighed. 7 hours from now and I'll be able to get out of this hell hole. I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped.

"Someone's a bit jumpy." Adam said with a light smile. I nodded and switched my books out as people passed us whispering to one another.

"How are you feeling?" Adam asked and I looked at him.

"Like I'm walking around in a place where everyone hates me." I said sadly and Adam shook his head.

"Screw these people. They don't know you." He tried to make me feel better but I just sighed.

"They know enough." I shut my locker and Adam handed me my backpack with a frown as I planted my crutches and started down the hall. I got about halfway down the hall before I felt a paper wad hit me. There were some snickers but I didn't look up. I just kept walking. It seemed like the less I resisted the more people threw trash at me and said nasty things. I had made it to my first classes and it seemed as though everyone moved their desks away from me keeping me isolated. I didn't mind. I'd rather be alone. In English Clare kept staring at me but I never looked up. Not even once.

It was the same story at lunch. I sat alone drinking my juice and reading a book while people talked shit about me and threw trash but there was a hushed silence causing me to look up. It was Fiona. She was walking slowly toward my table and when she got close enough I felt like I should stand up. I felt like my chest was expanding in fear but she held a strange gaze making me feel like she was staring into my soul. I didn't know what to say. I swallowed hard trying to get the lump out of my throat but in mere moments her palm connected hard against my face making my head whip to the side so fast I thought I may have gotten whiplash. The sting from her hand made my face feel like it was on fire. My hair had covered my eyes but I didnt need to see her face to know she was upset.

"You killed my brother and I am going to make sure that you never forget what kind of monster you truly are." Fiona sniffled while she spoke. I stood there stunned and in pain waiting for her to walk away and when she didn't I carefully moved to grab my bag and crutches.

"NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!" Someone randomly shouted only stirring more people up.

"JUST LEAVE!" More chants rang out and trash was pelted hitting me in the back as I walked to the doors of the lunch room.

"KILLER!" I stopped dead in my tracks. I felt like I had been punched in the chest. I pushed the doors and hobbled to the office to call Bullfrog. He was there in minutes and I told him I needed to leave because I was in too much pain. He didn't question when I started balling in the car ride home. He just let me cry. I felt weak. I felt broken but most of all I felt like a monster.

I continued the week in a similar fashion but I tried to avoid large crowds. I ate lunch in the library and after getting a black eye from being pelted with a drink bottle in between classes Simpson arranged for me to leave 5 minutes early. I now knew what it felt like when Adam had a teacher following his every move. This was pure torture but lucky for me the physical abuse didn't start until the middle of the week. Owen and some of the football team had made it their personal mission to accost me any chance they got. Knocking my crutches from under me, shoulder checking me while passing and shoving me into the lockers whenever I was closest to a set. Cece asked where the bruises were coming from and I lied. I deserved this. All of it.

When Friday finally came I was somewhat relieved. I don't know why but I just wanted to be able to go home and lay in my room all day as pathetic as that sounded. I was cutting through the locker room to get to my next class when I was shoved hard into the brick wall in the weight room. I was dazed and felt my face scrap harshly against the brick before someone spun me around and I was met with Owen and two other football players.

"What the hell are you doing in here freak? You know better than to walk into enemy territory." Owen spat staring down at me.

"I was just cutting through to get to class." I said hoarsely not making eye contact.

"How long's it gonna take for you to do us all a favor and get the fuck out of here?" Owen asked and when I didn't respond he grabbed me up by the throat and lifted me off the floor. I had never been choked before but it was more of an intense feeling than I thought it could ever be. I always thought there would be just a little air that someone being choked would get but it was cut off instantly making my chest ache for the smallest breath and the nerves in my leg twitched from the grip he had on my throat as my hands covered his trying to get him to let go. He just glared at me tightening his grip until I felt my vision going blurry. I heard one of his friends saying something and he dropped me making me hit the ground hard.

"This isnt over." Owen seethed before kicking me in the ribs and running out of the weight room. I tried to catch my breath but it seemed almost impossible. Strong hands were put on my shoulders sitting me up and I tried to fight them.

"Elijah! Stop fighting! It's Coach Armstrong!" My vision came back and I still kept trying to breathe as he gripped my shoulders.

"You've got to breathe son. In through your nose out through your mouth." He tried to calm my breathing and I slowly regained my composure.

"Who did this to you son?" He asked and I looked at him but started to scramble to get my stuff.

"You've got to report this. Let us help you." My eyes cut to him and clenched my jaw to keep from getting upset.

"Y-you can't help me. No one can." I said feeling how pained my throat was after having a strong hand around it. I grabbed my crutches and hobbled out of the weight room and out of the front doors of the school. I had called Cece to come get me and told her that I needed to go to the hospital. I told her that I had torn my stitches on accident and she said she was on the way. I sat at the picnic tables out front and stared out into street waiting. I felt the weight shift on the bench and knew it was Clare merely based on her beautiful scent. I kept my eyes locker on the road, my brows furrowed to keep my eyes from watering and my jaw clenched to keep from saying anything. Her hand came up near my face and I flinched slightly making her pause before she moved my hair to look at my scrapped face.

"What happened?" She asked so sadly I could actually hear her frown. I didn't say anything. I just kept my jaw clenched and swallowed the best I could. She let out a sigh and dropped her hand in her lap.

"You've got to report this Eli or else the abuse will never stop." Clare said and I looked down.

"Despite what you are convincing yourself you don't deserve any of this." Clare's words reminded me that she had gotten way to close to know what's going on inside my head.

"Wh-what do you want Clare?" I asked gripping my throat as it felt like I had swallowed knives. She moved closer and I froze.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay." She said and I took a deep breath seeing my mom pull into the lot.

"I'm fine." I grabbed my bag from the ground and adjusted my crutches as I stood up.

"You are a pretty terrible liar, Eli." Clare said smiling weakly and I shook my head before looking back at her.

"We all can't be as good as you, Clare." I watched her face sink as my mom stopped in front of us and I walked around and got in the car not even bother to look at Clare as we pulled away from the school. I could feel Cece's eyes on me but didn't met hers.

"What happened to your face babyboy?" She asked pained.

"It's nothing. Just a scratch." I said moving my hair to cover it back up. We sat in silence for a moment before she sighed.

"Clare looked upset. Is she okay?" Now I was the one to sigh.

"I don't want you telling Clare how I am anymore. It's none of her concern." I said bitterly. She stopped the car and looked at me.

"That doesn't mean she doesn't care Eli." I looked over at her with a stern face.

"Well it doesn't matter anymore. It's none of her business…I mean it mom. No more." She looked me in the eyes for a few moments and I could see the disappointment in them.

"Fine. If that's what you wish." She looked back to the road and I looked toward the window and watched the pavement move outside as we headed back toward the hospital.


	5. New Low

I sat in the leather chair opposite Dr. Nichols and stared at my hands. I had been back in therapy for a week and the most we've talked about is current events and my stitches. He told me every day that when I was ready to talk that he was ready to listen but I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. So we sat in silence for a whole week. I stumbled into his office late after getting caught up in another fight at school but this time with Bianca. I'd never put my hands on a girl so I pretty much had to take what she was dishing and hobble away to catch the bus.

Dr. Nichols looked me over as I plopped down breathless in his chair and he let me catch my breath before saying anything.

"Rough day today?" He asked simply. I shrugged lightly and glanced at him.

"Nothing I can't handle." I could feel his eyes piercing me. Begging for me to cave but I tried to hold my ground.

"You know Elijah, you don't have to put up with the abuse your classmates are putting you through. I'm sure the battle you have inside of your head is enough torture." His words made me look up at him.

"How could you possible know what's going on inside my head? Can you read minds?" I asked rudely and his face softened.

"No I can't but I am trained by some of the finest psychological schools in Toronto. I was also a teenage boy once." I snorted at his comment. As if he actually knew what it felt like to be me.

"Oh and you managed to kill your schools golden boy too? Listen Doc, I appreciate your attempt to save me from myself but I'm too far gone for any of this psychobabble, you are not alone crap. So just save it." I said bluntly watching him readjust in his seat.

"So then why do you come here every day? If you don't want to talk or listen then why waste your time and your parent's money to stare at your hands?" He asked and I cut my eyes away from him.

"I...I don't know. My mom wanted me to come. She thinks if I talk about what's in my head it will magically make everything better but it won't." I knew it was going to take a lot more than a few good chats to fix what was wrong with me.

"Have you ever thought that maybe by getting some of what's in your head out that you won't feel so weighed down?" He asked. I thought for a moment and knew he would only tell Cece I wasn't talking if we went through another week of silence.

"Where would we begin exactly?" I asked sitting back in the seat. He gave a small smile before opening his notepad.

"Let's start from the beginning. Where do you think your problems started?" He asked clicking his pen ready to take notes.

"I guess my problems started when I was dating Julia." I said honestly.

"Then let's start there. Tell me about Julia." He asked propping his leg up onto his other to rest the notepad on. I licked my lips before thinking back to when we were together.

"Julia was full of flaws. She was always late, talked when she wasn't supposed to, spoke her mind even when she knew it would get her in trouble and she was never afraid of the future. She embraced every challenged and never let anyone tell her who she was. She was perfect. But her home life was her biggest downfall." I paused for a moment.

"When Julia's parents divorced she had a choice of either going to live with her mom in the states or staying here to live with her dad. She didn't want to leave me so she chooses to live with her dad. The whole first year of her living with her dad he drank nonstop. Treated her like dirt, called her names and he blamed her for her mother divorcing him. There were so many nights she would show up at my front door crying her eyes out but she never once blamed him for the pain he caused. She was one of the smartest, strongest girls I had ever met but when it came to him she was helpless. When her step mom finally came along we thought he would be nicer but it turns out that wasn't the case at all. He got worse. Made her feel like she was a burden and didn't want her around anymore and her step mom agreed." I took a moment to collect myself as the heat in my stomach started to boil.

"That's when...that's when he started hitting her. At first she was good at hiding it but once the bruises became bigger and more permanent I knew it was him. She would get into verbal matches with her step mom and then her dad would beat her up for upsetting her. I practically lost it when she hadn't shown up for school for a week and when I went to her house I found out she had a black eye. That's when she started staying with me. I felt like I needed to protect her from her own family but no matter how long she stayed she would always end up going back home after a while. It drove me up the wall and started most of our arguments. She felt I was being overprotective and nosy and I felt she was being naive and irrational." I shook my head before running my hand through my hair.

"No matter how much we argued though...we still always made up. She loved me more than anyone on this earth and I loved her just the same." I said hearing how sad I actually sounded.

"Things changed after we made love the first time. She wasn't so quick to rush home to please what her father wanted. I didn't have to fight her on staying with me. We were...connected in a way. Well...I guess until that night." I felt a pain in my heart just thinking about it.

"Eli, would you be up to try hypnotherapy?" My eyes shot to Dr. Nichols and I snorted.

"Are you serious? There's no way that stuff would work on me." I said in disbelief.

"I think you'll be surprised. We find it works easier with those who have a lot going on in their heads. It's fairly harmless and if at any moment I see you having a hard time I can bring you out of it." He stood up and I eyed him.

"Seriously?" I asked again and he waved his arm over to the empty sofa near the wall. I got up hesitantly and walked over to it laying down and resting my hands on my chest.

"Now what?" I asked unsure of what he was going to do.

"Now you relax. Clear your mind and close your eyes." Dr. Nichols sat in the chair closer to the couch and I looked at him.

"If I wake up feeling molested I'll sue." I mocked and he gave me a stern look just before I tried to focus on nothing and closed my eyes.

"Take a deep breath in and out. In...and out...I'm going to count back from 5 and when I reach 1 I want you to go back to that night. Picture where you were the night that it all happened. What you were doing. How you felt." I heard Dr. Nichols start to count as I felt myself slipping back to that night.

_I paced back and forth in my room and I could feel the box in my pocket burning a hole into my pants waiting for her to come through my door. She had just dropped a bomb on me earlier about moving away with her Dad and step-mom and I had practically run screaming for the hills. I didn't know what to say or do. I just ran. When I finally figured it out I had told her that I wanted to see her and it had to be tonight. I was pulled from my thoughts when a soft knock came from the door just before she opened it giving a small smile._

_"Hey...I didn't think you would want to see me tonight." She said hesitantly as I walked over to her and gripped the sides of her face to bring her lips to mine. Her hands fell to mine and she sighed lightly before smiling into the kiss._

_"I had some time to think about it and I've decided a way to make this work." I took her hands and drug her to my bed sitting her down next to me._

_"I love you Jules. More than anything in the world." I said sincerely and she touched my face._

_"I love you too." She smiled and I reached up and took her left hand into mine kissing it._

_"Then let's be together forever." I dug in my pocket and pulled out the little box. I watched Julia's eyes widen a bit._

_"Marry me Jules. Marry me and we can get away from all the bullshit. Your Dad can't stop us from being together. You won't have to move away and we can be together forever." I took the ring out and put it on her finger. She pulled her hand from mine to look at the ring on her finger and I watched her intently._

_"Oh Eli...I don't...I don't know what to say." She bit her lip as she continued to stare at the ring._

_"Say yes." I laughed but that's when her face started to fall. The hand that I did have she pulled away._

_"I can't marry you Eli." She couldn't even look at me when she said it. I felt like someone had just stabbed me in the heart._

_"But...I thought you wanted to be together?" I questioned trying to swallow the lump in my throat._

_"I do but-" I cut her off startling her._

_"Then there is no but's Julia. Either you love me and want to be with me or you don't." I raised my voice and she looked at me._

_"This isn't going to keep us together Eli. You can't just throw a marriage proposal at me to stop me from moving. We aren't even out of high school yet." Julia's words stung me and I got up from the bed._

_"Then why are you here?" I asked throwing my arms out. She furrowed her brows together._

_"Just because I don't want to marry you doesn't mean I don't want to be together Eli. Why are you being this way?" She asked from the bed and I shook my head._

_"Because I'm trying to keep us together you are acting like it's no big deal that you are about to move away with your crazy fucking father just because you don't want to upset him." She jumped to her feet._

_"So what, you think by throwing some ring at me and asking me to marry you it's going to keep me here? You have the nerve to sit there and talk about how controlling my dad is all the time and here you are doing the same thing." She raised her voice at me and I clenched my jaw before speaking._

_"Don't you dare compare me to that monster. I've never once laid a hand on you like that Julia and to even-" She cut me off this time._

_"No but you bully me emotionally. I know you are trying to protect me but I can't take all this stress. It's killing me. Either he's mad at me for being with you or you're mad at me for going home." She gripped her hair._

_"THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?" I shouted. Her chest heaved as she pulled the ring off her hand and grabbed my hand to place the ring in it._

_"I came here to tell you I loved you and that I'm willing to work out a long distance relationship but that's clearly not what you want." She stepped away from me and clenched my fist feeling the ring's jagged edges cut into my skin. We stood there in silence for a moment before I spoke._

_"You're a damn liar." I said bluntly and she looked caught off guard._

_"Excuse me?" She said tilting her head a bit._

_"You stand there and say you love me but you don't. If you loved me than you would want to be with me here. Not somewhere thousands of miles away. You would fight to stay with me but you are practically running away right into that son of a bitches arms." I watched her move swiftly and then felt her hand hit the side of my face with such force the sound of her palm connecting with the skin of my cheek practically echoed. The pain brought a tear to my eye as I turned away from her trying to control my temper but it was too late for all that. I swept everything off my dresser and it crashed to the floor as I turned to my nightstand and picked the lamp up ripping it from the wall and throwing it at the opposite wall._

_"ELI! STOP!" Julia yelled at me stepping back towards the door. I pushed my bookshelf over and it hit the floor much louder than anything else as I continued to trash my room._

_"DO I LOOK LIKE HIM YET? HUH JULES? ARE YOU SCARED YET?" I screamed at her as I picked up the snow globe she got me from her trip to New York last summer to visit her mom and slammed it into the floor making it burst into what seemed like hundreds of pieces. She just stared at me in shock as I started to wear myself out ripping my bed apart._

_"I never understood how he could do it." I breathed heavily as I leaned against the wall to breath._

_"What?" She practically whispered standing by the door as I raised my eyes to look at hers._

_"I never understood how your dad could be so angry with you that he would put his hands on you...until now." The words were like daggers through the heart of our relationship and the moment it left my mouth I regretted it as her jaw dropped and tears instantly welled up in her eyes. It was like she was frozen in place and I couldn't take watching her cry but I was still so mad._

_"What are you still doing here...GO! GET THE FUCK OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" I screamed making stumbled towards her as I tripped over the debris in my room and I could see that I scared her with my quick movements watching her panic to get the door open and run from the room. I heard her run down the steps but she must have tripped and fell down the last few because Bullfrog and Cece had spoken up._

_"Oh Julia honey are you okay?" Cece's voice sounded and I ran down the steps to her. She was crying heavy now and gripped her elbow._

_"Are you okay?" I knelt down and she screamed frightened as I touched her._

_"NO! DON'T!" The fear in her eyes broke whatever piece of my heart was left as she scrambled to her feet and ran out of the front door. As the door slammed shut I covered my ears from a loud screech of what sounded like an alarm clock when off in my ears and was practically blaring._

My eyes opened violently and I shot up from the couch to see Dr. Nichols clutching an alarm clock and frowning.

"I'm so sorry Eli but it seems we are out of time today. We definitely made some progress. I am proud of you." He sat the clock down as I tried to catch my breath.

"Th-thanks. I gotta get going. I start my community service today." I got up and grabbed my bag from the coat rack.

"I want you to take these." I turned back to Dr. Nichols and he handed me a notebook and a prescription.

"What are these for?" I asked eying them both.

"The journal is for you to write down moments like the one we just went into down. Putting it on paper will take a little of the weight that it carries in your mind." I rolled my eyes but put the book under my arm.

"Prozac...really? Is this necessary? Can't I just take my anxiety medicine?" I asked not really wanting to add another medication to the cocktail of pills I was already taking.

"Just try it for a few weeks. If you find it doesn't help then we will try something else." He was trying to sound reassuring but he knew I didn't want to take anything else. I shoved the prescription in my pocket and nodded before catching the bus to Degrassi. I reported to the office and met with Mrs. Sovay to talk about my duties as the newly appointed student janitor. I would pretty much be cleaning up after that kids who had made it their mission to drive me crazy. I actually had to wear the jumpsuit and everything. I looked like a complete jackass but I took the pole and trash bag outside and started picking up trash that littered the grass in front of the school. I had my headphones in so the kids that passed didn't bother me when they whispered hateful things at me.

After only an hour I came to the conclusion that Degrassi students were either littering because they were Pro-Global Warming or just wanted me to forever pickup there garbage. Either way I kept picking up the trash until a set of familiar giggles caught my attention. I pulled my head phones off and looked around.

"No! Now you're doing it wrong so I will keep teaching you." It was Clare laughing and talking to someone. I searched around until I had to swallow hard. She was sitting at the picnic tables rather closely to the last person I ever expected to see her sitting next to. Fitz.

"Stop distracting me!" Fitz teased and she bumped her shoulder into his smiling. She was flirting. I felt my blood start to boil recognizing some of her hand gestures she used to do when studying with me before we even started dating. When she leaned in to study his answers I saw him close his eyes and take in her scent and I nearly lost it. As much as I wanted to run over and stab him repeatedly with the trash pole I had I turned around and started hobbling back into the school but when the brakes on someone's car screeched from me stepping in front of it I knew I had drawn attention to myself.

"GET OUT OF THE ROAD!" The driver yelled at me and against my better judgment I turned back to look at Clare who was now staring at me with wide eyes. I clenched my jaw, picked up the trash bag and started back for the doors.

"ELI!" I heard her voice but didn't stop. I was moving faster than my crutch would allow but didn't care as I found a crowd around my locker. Mr. Simpson and some of the other teachers were talking but once they caught site of me they also got wide eyed.

"What's going on?" I asked as they blocked my locker.

"It's nothing. We are going to have the janitor take care of it Eli. Don't worry." Mr. Simpson said and I glared.

"Well considering that's my job at the moment, what is it?" I asked again but it was as if he couldn't find the words. I pushed past them and saw my locker had been covered with construction paper but I wasted no time ripping it down to see it had been spray painted.

"We will find out who did this Eli. They will be punished." Mr. Simpson said nervously as my hands started to shake. In red spray paint the word "Killer" was written down the locker. I felt as if my teeth might be cracking as I clenched them tightly together.

"Once I finish cleaning the bathrooms, I'll get rid of it." I said turning away from them.

"No no we will get it-" I whipped around and looked at Simpson.

"I said I've got it." I said sternly surprising him. I trudged back to the janitor closet and grabbed the pail and cleaning solution for the bathroom before heading into the first set of bathrooms. I couldn't think about it. If I did I would just get upset. I changed my peaceful playlist into loud, angry music before cleaning the bathroom with a fury for the next 2 hours. By the time I finished my hands were numb from scrubbing but I knew I had to start on my locker. It would be getting dark soon and I knew the office administrators wouldn't want to stay late. I grabbed up a few rags from the closet and some paint thinner but as I hobbled down the hallway I saw Clare on her hands and knees scrubbing the bottom of my locker. She had a bucket and a sponge and her hands were red but I wasn't sure if it was from the paint or the hot water she must be using.

"What are you doing?" I asked harshly scaring her from a silence I'm sure she had gotten used to with the emptiness of the hallways at this hour.

"I…I wanted to help." She said nervously.

"Well I didn't ask you for your help. I'll do it myself." I said holding my glare. She sighed and looked at the locker.

"I know you're upset about earlier but that wasn't-" I cut her off before she could continue.

"I DON'T CARE!" I shouted making her jump.

"Please just let me help you." Clare begged and I couldn't control my anger anymore as I threw my crutch down and hobbled quickly towards her kicking her bucket of water over and pulling her up roughly by her arm.

"I DON'T WANT OR NEED YOUR HELP! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" I screamed at her still holding onto her arm tightly seeing tears brim her eyes.

"E-eli." She let out a squeak and glanced at my hand on her arm letting it go once I realized I was hurting her. She fell to the ground and let out a whimper before scrambling to her feet, slipping on the water in the process and running out of the school. I slammed my hand on the lockers and sighed. She had barely gotten the R off the locker with just soap and water but at this point I didn't feel like finishing it. I grabbed a mop and mopped up the water I had kicked over before grabbing the rags and bucket to take back to the closet. I was sitting things down when I heard someone at the door. I quickly launched myself to it and scared Mr. Simpson in the process.

"God! You scared me." He said as I gripped the door knob. The closet was small and the thought of being trapped in there scared me more than anything.

"I didn't want you to shut the door. I'm leaving now anyway." I said turning the light off and shutting the door. He walked with me in an awkward silence, glancing at my locker.

"We will have that covered up tomorrow." He said and I just shook my head.

"Why are you trying so hard?" I asked standing at the front doors. He looked at me strangely.

"I'm sure I know what you mean." He said looking down at me.

"I killed Degrassi's golden boy. You should hate me as much as everyone else. Declan did a lot for this school and was a really great guy. Why are you trying so hard to make me feel welcome somewhere I'm clearly not?" I asked honestly and he sighed. He stood silently for a few moments before speaking.

"I watched a boy who made one mistake get tortured just like you every day until he finally snapped…brought a gun to school and shot someone…almost shot my daughter too." Simpson held my eye contact.

"I don't want to watch that happen to you Eli. I want you to feel welcome here because we all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. The kids here just need time to get past it but that doesn't mean torturing you in the process is acceptable." He explained and I nodded.

"Yeah well don't worry. I'd kill myself before I'd ever bother going through the trouble of shooting up the school." I said in sort of a mock tone but truthfully I knew I would never seek vengeance on those bullying me. I deserved it.

"What did you say?" Simpson looked at me concerned as I saw Cece's head lights out front.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Sir." I quickly pushed the door and left him standing there but as I reached the car he called out to me.

"Eli!" I turned back to him as I held the door open.

"Things will get better. I promise…just...hang in there. Please." I felt as though he was begging me not to kill myself as he stared at me.

"Good night Principal Simpson." I said softly as I got into the car and he waved at my mom. I knew his heart was in the right place but his promise was empty. Things wouldn't get better. He knew that. I knew it and the school knew it. Things would only get better the moment I decided to stop fighting and gave up.


	6. Fake It

**Just wanted to tell everyone who reads/reviews thanks. You guys are the best. I really appreicate you taking the time to read my story. I'm still trying to fall into this whole fanfiction thing but knowing that at least a few of you are enjoying it is what keeps me updating. Thank you. **

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The next day I walked into school to everyone gossiping about my locker but I didn't care. I hobbled my way down the hallway with my headphones in, not really caring what the harsh words of today were going to be but as I approached my locker I saw that it had been covered back up with construction paper. I looked at it for a few moments and glanced to my left to see Clare at her locker trying not to make eye contact with me. I tore down the paper and finally caught her attention as I left it on the floor exposing my locker for all to see as I opened it and got my books. I didn't have the chance to shut it as I was thrown up against it shutting it for me and making my nose crash against it harshly. I felt the blood drip instantly as I was whirled around.

"Welcome to another day of hell freak. I see you are starting to get the message." Owen towered over me and I glared up at him.

Now I understood why Fiona hated me and for that matter a good portion of the student body but Owen was just a bully. He probably didn't even know Declan so he was merely using him to torture me and I was slowly losing patience with his torment.

"I'm surprised you wrote this. I didn't know you could read, let alone spell." I said instead of taking it like I normally did. His eyes flared up and he punched me in the gut knocking the wind out of me as I dubbled over.

"Leave him alone, Owen!" As much as I wish she hadn't, Clare spoke up as I slid down the locker to catch my breath.

"What do you care Saint Clare? Aren't you dating Fitz now anyway?" Owen's words hurt me more than he could have imaged but the fact that she didn't deny it was what killed me.

"I'll be seeing you later freak." Owen kicked my cast and I bit my lip to keep from making any noise of pain as he walked away. Clare put her hand on my knee and I pushed it away.

"Why won't you just let me help you? I want to be there for you Eli." Clare pleaded and I didn't even look at her as I wiped the blood from my nose getting it all over my arm as I stood up and picked my crutches and bag up.

"Don't touch me." I said under my breath as I started towards my class.

The thought that Clare would get close to Fitz like that after we were together made me sick. I decided to skip my first class and go straight for the bathroom cleaning myself up and tossing my breakfast in the process of thinking about the two of them together. As much as I wanted to blame Fitz for breaking Clare and I up, it was all on me. I let him win. I let him get under my skin. I knew his whole newly found faith was a bunch of bullshit but he worked Clare and I let my anxiety and insecurities scare her away.

I leaned back against the wall of the bathroom stall I was locked in and caught site of my name on the wall. Eli Goldsworthy= EMO BITCH was written in bold sharpie on the beige wall but I just shook my head as I read more things that had arrows point to my name and little comments off to the side. Kids a fuckin' psychopath. The more I read, the more I seemed to just want to disappear. Word on the street is the guy killed his old GF. That was the last thing I read before I slid down to the floor and brought my knees to my chest. I reached into my backpack and pulled my journal out and started writing. I don't know what I even wrote but I scribbled words across the paper for, I don't know how long before I was startled by the intercom that echoed in the school.

"_Students of Degrassi: There will be a mandatory assembly today in the auditorium at 11:30. All students must attend_." Sav's voice was that ringing down the halls from the speaker but I didn't pay much attention to it. I pushed the stall door open just in time for a repeat appearance from Owen and 2 other ball players.

"Oh it must be your lucky day freak." Owen laughed and for a moment I actually thought about tackling them to the ground just so I could get past but I knew my size would be no match for football players.

"I've got to get to the office Owen. I don't have time for your bullshit right now." I walked forwards and he pushed me back far enough for me to take two steps.

"You know, I don't really think you understand how this works. We are enforcing what everyone at this school would like to do to you. The sooner you give up and leave, the better your chances of making it out of here alive." Owen explained and I shook my head.

"So what? You're just going to kill me? Is that it?" I asked mockingly.

"No, we'll just do everything we can to make you wish you were dead." Owen's face became serious and he knew I saw.

"Boys." Owen beckoned the two that were with him and I tried to fight to free my arms as they held me against the tiled wall. I watch Owen carefully as I struggle and noticed he was flicking a lighter back and forth.

"Now you've been keeping quiet all this time and now you think just because your little ex girlfriend is hoping to your defense you can just mouth off? Tell me, when's the last time you got to second with Saint Clare? I can tell you for certain that it didn't take Fitz long at all to hover over first." Owen's words were like gasoline and he was just waiting for me to catch fire.

"You don't know what you're talking about. Clare wouldn't do that kind of stuff with him or anyone for that matter." I said through clenched teeth as I continued to thrash against them.

"From what I hear she's a pretty damn good kisser...she even does a little surprise purring of sorts when she's enjoying it if I'm not mistaken." Owen chuckled and I spit in his face. I watched his emotions go from amused with his actions to rage in a millisecond as he jerked up the sleeve of my Degrassi coat and gripped my arm tightly.

"Maybe these will remind you of why you need to watch your mouth." Owen's voice was raw as he flipped the lighter open and brought it to the middle of my arm. I let out a scream and one of the guys put his hand over my mouth as I tried to pull my arm from the flame. Owen lingered the lighter over my flesh in certain spots until it was blistered and red before moving to another spot. I heard the door open and thanked a God I never believed in until being set on fire but realized who it was. Owen turned around quickly and nodded at Fitz who simply looked me over and exited the bathroom. The bell rang for the assembly and the sounds of kids roaming the hallways made Owen put his lighter away.

"Let that be a lesson to you freak." The moment his minions let go of me I fell to the floor gripping my arm. I waited for them to leave before rushing over to the sink and putting it under cold water letting a few tears run down my face as the water only made the feeling of my scorched skin worse. I could actually smell the burnt flesh and my body shaking from a mixture of emotions and the pain I was currently in as the doors opened again.

"Oh my God!" Adam ran over to me and I shook my head before wiping at my face.

"What happened?" Adam asked frantically before catching site of my arm. I pulled the sleeve down and stood up on my shaky legs only for him to try and help me.

"I'm fine. I can do it." I said pushing him away slightly.

"Eli you need to go to the nurse!" Adam said trying to help me again only for me to push harder.

"I said I've got it Adam. I'm just going to go to the office and call Bullfrog to come get me. It's fine." I knew that if I went to the nurse they would file an incident report and I didn't want that.

"Eli, your arm is all messed up. We need-" I grabbed my bag up and walked out of the door trying to escape him but ran into Sav.

"Bro, you're late. Simpson is waiting for you in the assembly. Come on." Sav started pulling me towards the auditorium and I resisted but he only pulled harder.

"Sav, I'm trying to go home. I don't need to be a part of this today." I said but Sav laughed.

"Are you kidding? Simpson planned this assembly for you. You've got to be there bro." Sav pulled me toward the back doors of the auditorium while Adam got escorted into the front doors and I started to resist more.

"Dude STOP! Where are we going?" I asked planting my feet but was startled by the boom of Simpson voice in the microphone.

"Most of you know about the school shooting that occurred at Degrassi a few years ago and that what most of you don't know is the entire incident stemmed from a boy being a victim of bullying by his classmates." My cheeks flushed red and prayed that Simpson didn't do what I think he was planning to do as he glanced over and noticed me off stage next to Sav.

"Now I know all of you are hurting because of the recent loss we've suffered but to torment another student as some sort of vengeance is only going to end up hurting us as a school." Principal Simpson walked over and gripped my shoulder to pull me into the spot light with him as I kept my eyes on the ground and felt completely mortified.

"This young man is just like the rest of you. He makes mistakes and he feels pain and for any of you to feel like you can inflict any sort of justice upon him is not only false but will no longer be tolerated." I could literally feel the eyes burning into my skin from the audience. I heard someone clear their throat and looked up to see Chantay sitting in the middle of the spirit squad raising her hand.

"Yes Chantay?" Simpson asked still gripping my shoulder.

"So you're saying that we should be afraid of him coming to school and blowing us all away?" Chantay's question made chatter start.

"NO! NO that is not what I'm saying at all." Simpson said abruptly.

"I don't think I feel safe with him going here." Jenna spoke up from next to her and my eyes fell to the floor as the chants and harsh words started. I caught a glimpse of Clare sitting next to Fitz in the audience and all I wanted to do was disappear.

"Quiet down all of you! Everyone calm down right now!" Simpson walked back over to the podium to use the microphone and I stood alone in the middle of the stage taking it all in. It was like one of those roasts you see on the comedy station but more like burn me at the stake sort of things instead.

"JUST LEAVE ALREADY! NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE FREAK!" I knew the voice and shook my head knowing that if I wasn't the most hated in school already she would have the top spot locked up.

"That's it! All those who are caught blatantly bully will suffer a two week suspension. We will start with you Ms. Desousa." Simpson said and I just glanced out into the crowd as she walked up to the stage.

"Fine! Might as well make it worth it though." I watched her bend down near the curtain and pick up a bucket much like I used to clean the bathrooms with. When I saw her coming towards me I closed my eyes waiting for whatever she was going to do and almost instantly I felt the room temperature liquid hit the top of my head and run down my face and clothes. The smell was so intense I knew immediately it was paint. There was a brief moment of silence before cheers and a scuffling as security scooped up Bianca and escorted her to the office. I wiped the paint from my eyes and saw it was red. Seeing it coat my hands sent me into a mild panic attack. I tried to talk myself down but a hand caused me to jump.

"Are you okay?" Simpson asked and I shrugged him off.

"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" I yelled before slipping around a bit as I scrambled down off the stage and started running as hard as I could and my cast would allow. I flung the paint all over the hallway trying to get to the gym so I could use the showers but just as I walked in there stood Owen and a good portion of the football team.

"We figured you would come here first." Owen spoke with his arms crossed over his chest. I let out a heavy breath and looked through my red stained hair before speaking.

"Leave me alone." I said with my teeth clenched wishing I could beat him until he begged me to stop.

"We're just here to help. Looks like you could use are bath freak." Owen looked at me devilishly and I didn't think twice as I turned to run but more than two pairs of hands grabbed me to stop me as I fought to break free until the hands had managed to lift me up like I was crowd surfing.

"Just consider us here to give you a helping hand." Owen said while the others laughed.

"PUT ME DOWN!" I screamed but Owen merely laughed.

"You heard him boys. Put him down." Owen said as I glanced to the side to see they had carried me out to where the pool was that they used for gym class.

"NO!" Before I could protest any further I was airborne. I hit the water and practically sank like lead as I held my breath and pushed my arms down. The water was cold and I taste what little bit of chlorine that got in my mouth as I was thrown in making me want to gag. I could see the football players laughing above water before scrambling to leave the platform. I kicked my feet hard but knew with this heavy cast on my foot there was no way I would be able to have the strength to swim to the surface. As I started to let some of the air I held in out I realized that I should just stop fighting it. I should let them win and just give up. Drowning in the school pool would be a believable suicide. Why not just give them what they wanted. I felt my head getting dizzy as my lungs became desperate for air and I started to close my eyes. They shot open when I heard someone break the surface of the water and pull me to the top.

"Is he okay?" It was a female's voice.

"Is he breathing?" I knew the second voice. It was Adam.

"I don't know just grab his arms." That was Sav. I felt two sets of arms pull me from the water and I laid on the tiles of coughing.

"Thank God." Adam said as I turned over to spit out whatever water that was in my mouth to try and catch my breath.

"What the hell were you doing man? Trying to kill yourself?" Sav asked angrily. I glanced over at him and saw that the female voice belonged to Holly J.

"Are you okay?" She asked and I just closed my eyes.

"We need to take you to the nurse now." Adam said as I shook my head.

"Why?" I managed to say once I caught my breath.

"What?" Adam responded confused.

"Why? Why did you save me? Why couldn't you have just let me drown?" I yelled at Sav who looked completely taken off guard.

"Eli, we are just trying to help you." Adam's eyes were glassy as he spoke and I just looked at him with my own.

"STOP TRYING TO HELP ME!" I screamed crawling away from them before running for the doors I slipped going through them and felt someone put a hand on me. It was Fitz and he was standing next to Clare blocking me from running right into her.

"Whoa slow down, friend." Fitz said and I felt my blood boil.

"Eli, are you okay? We were trying to find you." Clare said concerned and I just looked at her.

"I can't believe you. After all of this…after everything between us…and you end up with him." I said sadly making her frown.

"I'm just trying to help you Eli." Fitz spoke up again and I glared at him.

"Go to hell." I said as I pushed past him and ran out of the front doors of Degrassi.

I started walking to my house knowing that by the time I got there my foot would be in so much pain but I didn't care. As much distance as I could put between me and the school and those inside the better. People drove by and honked at me as I was still covered in paint and now water to boot as I finally reached my house. I pulled the key from under the door mat and let myself in stripping down at the door and carrying my dirty clothes to the laundry room. I walked up the steps and sat down in the bathtub removing my cast and turning the scolding hot water on to rain down on me as I sat hugging the one leg I could pull to my chest comfortably and I cried. As pathetic as that sounds that's all I felt like doing. I watched the red paint run off my skin and hair and hit the basin of the tub swirling around the drain as I rocked back and forth. I was so ready to give up at the bottom of the pool. I was ready to let go of whatever life I had left but I was denied that. I was now being tortured by the people who claimed to love me. I knew I deserved the pain and suffering but I was starting to feel like instead of just offing myself and making everyone at Degrassi happy, my fate was to live on this Earth merely wishing I was dead.

I spent at least two hours in the shower before Cece came home and found me in there. I tried to explain why my skin was so red but she said the water was way too hot to have been sitting in for two hours. I started to figure she was right when steam would radiate off my skin as I got dress. I put a long sleeve shirt on to cover the burn marks that now coated my upper arm and sat on the middle of my bed waiting for my mom to finish cleaning my cast so I could put it back on. My foot looked swollen and it ached but I knew it was healing. I couldn't wait to get the cast off for good but I knew I needed to stop being so rough on it if I planned on getting the cast off on time.

Cece pushed through the door and gave me a small smile as she held the cast up.

"It's all clean. How is your skin doing?" She asked looking at the redness still very visible.

"It's alright. Doesn't even hurt." I said as she helped me slide my foot into the cast and tighten the straps on it to keep my foot in place.

"I made you a sandwich. Do you mind coming down and eating with me so I don't have to eat alone?" Cece asked and I gave her a sad smile.

"Sure." I grabbed one of my crutches and followed her out of my room down the steps when someone knocked on the front door. I stayed on the steps as she walked over and opened the door to reveal Mr. Simpson.

"Hello Mrs. Goldsworthy I was just checking to see- oh hi Eli. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay." He sounded so defeated and I just stared.

"Well that's awfully nice of you Mr. Simpson. Bullfrog and I really appreciate you looking out for Eli." Cece said cheerfully as we kept our eye contact strong.

"As you can see I'm alive so whatever Sav or Adam told you is false." I said in a very low tone.

"What are you talking about Eli?" Cece looked at me confused but the look on Simpson's face only proved that they had gone to him after I booked out of the school.

"I'm sorry things didn't work out like I planned. I just want you to know-" He started and I interrupted him.

"What? That I'm welcome? That people want me at Degrassi? Yeah I got that feeling when I was put on display as the school pariah, dowsed with paint and tossed in the swimming pool." I said keeping the scathing harshness in my tone.

"You were tossed in the pool?" Simpson eyed me and I laughed.

"What's going on? What happened?" Cece asked crossing her arms over her chest.

"There was an incident." Simpson said and I shook my head.

"Nothing mom, everything is fine." I said and eyed Simpson.

"Everything is not fine Eli. We need to talk about this." He stepped toward me and I put my hand up.

"Well considering we pay my therapist to do that I'd say you're off the hook. I'd appreciate if you could cut me some slack on the community service today and I will pick it up tomorrow." I said finally coming down the rest of the steps.

"I wasn't aware you were seeing a therapist. I'm sorry for overstepping and of course you can start back up when you are feeling better." He genuinely looked upset but I knew that the more he tried to help the worse things would get.

"Thank you." I said and watched him turn back to the door.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion. I'll see you tomorrow Eli." Mr. Simpson exited and I caught the door before he could close it.

"Principal Simpson…" He stopped and looked at me.

"I appreciate what you tried to do but please…just stop. I'm begging you." I asked and he merely frowned and nodded sadly before walking off my porch and to his car. I shut the door and turned back to see Cece standing confused in the foyer.

"So you didn't come home sick I take it." She questioned and I shook my head.

"I really don't want to talk about it right now mom. Can we just eat in peace for once?" I asked and she walked up to me rubbing my cheek.

"Just tell me you are okay and I'll try to believe it." She said weakly and I nodded.

"I'm okay." She kissed my forehead before helping me into the kitchen so we could eat. I asked if it would be okay to call Dr. Nichols to make our session in home today and he didn't seem to mind. I ate my sandwich and sat in the living room watching TV with Cece for about 3 hours and it was honestly the most peaceful I've been since this all happened.

When Dr. Nichols showed up I was disappointed that the moment had to end as he set his alarm clock and pulled out his notebook. I sat down on the couch and Cece pulled a chair from the kitchen for him to sit in as our session began.

"I see you've been writing quite a lot. The notebook is working?" He asked and I nodded.

"Yeah it's helping a little bit. I don't think the pills have kicked in yet though." I said and he nodded.

"You've got to give them a few days before they really start working. Don't worry. So how is school going for you?" He asked and I laughed.

"Just peachy. Today my principal decided to throw an anti bullying rally for me which ended masterfully if you ask me." I mocked and he tilted his head to the side.

"That sounds nice." He said.

"Yeah it was great until I was tarred and feathered by my classmates before tossed into the swimming pool and left to drown." I said it with a laugh but Dr. Nichols didn't see the humor.

"That's serious Elijah. Did you report it?" He asked and I shook my head.

"No point. It will just keep happening so it's really not worth the paperwork." I said leaning against the couch. He eyed me until I looked at him.

"Elijah…" He said sternly and I shook my head again.

"Doc…drop it. Save it for another day at least but I'm not in the mood to talk about it today." I said holding his gaze. He blinked a few times before flipping to another page and clearing his throat.

"Fine. How about another hypno session? Do you feel you are up for it?" He asked and I adjusted on the couch to lie down.

"Do your worst. Where are we going today?" I asked closing my eyes.

"Take me back to your old school. What it was like after Julia's death. What was it like to walk the halls, sit in class, and be around her friends?" Dr. Nichols started to talk me into that familiar dream state until I finally reached the steps of my old school.

_I could barely lift my feet to get up the steps knowing that she once used to hold my hand tightly as we walked into the school. I stood at the locker we shared for what seemed like an eternity before I actually opened it knowing that her things would still be there. The picture of us would be on the door and our anniversary countdown would be on the calendar. Every class that I sat in without her staring at her empty chair made me want to cry and having the entire class stare at me in return made me feel like I was an idiot for even being back at school so soon. I thought I could handle it. I thought that moving on would be easier but it was proving to be quite difficult. They held an assembly as a memorial for her but the moment they started a slideshow I couldn't sit in there any longer. I walked out and started wandering the hallways when I saw the janitor at her old locker. He was tossing whatever was left in a box and something inside of me just started to panic. I ran towards him and pushed him._

"_No! Those are her things!" I screamed pulling the rest of her things into the box from the locker as the janitor eyed me strangely. _

"_She's no longer a student here, son. You've got to let it go." He stepped closer and I eyed him sharply._

"_BACK OFF!" I screamed making him throw his hands up as I scrambled to put the rest of Julia's things in the box and run away towards __our__ my locker. I started to put things in there when I was pushed over. _

"_YOU!" It was Julia's best friend, Lilly._

"_YOU KILLED HER! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" She screamed at me and I looked up at her from the ground. _

"_I….I didn't mean to. She rode off...I didn't know…" I tried to form sentences but she continued to scream._

"_YOU'RE A MONSTER ELI GOLDSWORTHY! YOUKILLED HER AND SHE IS NEVER COMING BACK! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT." She kept screaming at me as the assembly let out and I could feel more eyes on me. _

"_I loved her! I never would have thought-" She cut me off._

"_IT DOESN'T MATTER! YOU ARE THE REASON SHE WILL NEVER GET TO GROW UP OR GET MARRIED OR HAVE BABIES…YOU STOLE EVERYTHING FROM HER." Tears streamed down her face as she screamed at me and I held the box of things tightly. _

"_I'm…I'm sorry." I said pathetically and she lunged at me but was grabbed by her boyfriend. _

"_He's not worth it babe! He'll get his. Don't worry." He held her closely and I envied him. I'd never be able to do that again no matter how badly I wanted to. He pulled her away from me as I sat back up on me knees and finished putting the box in my locker before trying to shut it. It was packed tightly but I managed to shut the door before leaving the school. The next two weeks rumors had floated around the school that I had hit Julia or that she was pregnant and I forced her to get an abortion but she said no and I threw her down steps or some bullshit like that. The rumors and the constant reminders that I had killed the one girl I had ever loved were starting to get too much for me when I decided to eat lunch in our old spot behind the school. I sat alone and listened to music like we used to do together when someone ripped my headphones off. _

"_How dare you be back here. This was her spot." Lilly said before throwing my headphones in the dirt. _

"_I just…I just wanted some peace and quiet." I said seeing her boyfriend and a few others approaching. _

"_Well you don't get that. You killed my best friend and I plan to make you pay for it. It should it have been you." She said hatefully and I nodded. _

"_I know…I wish it was." I said honestly before standing to face her. She stared at me as tears fell down her cheeks and suddenly she slapped me, hard across the face. The sting was horrible but she let out a shriek before her boyfriend shoved me down and started hitting me. I tried to cover my face but he stood and started kicking me in the stomach. I felt feet connect with my back and my thighs as I just focused on protecting my face. I don't know how long the beating lasted but I prayed that they would beat me to death. I prayed that they would kick me so hard I would have some sort of internal bleeding or hemorrhage and just fade away but when they finally stopped I was disappointed. _

_I spent two days in the hospital recovering from that beating but when I returned Lilly had pasted pictures of Julia all over the front of my locker. I started to have a breakdown in the hallway and that's when I knew…I had to get out of there or it would swallow me whole. I tore the pictures down and threw them in the box that I had used days prior and ripped the door to my locker open throwing all that I could fit in the box into it and the rest into my backpack before taking it all and running home. I sat up in my room and held onto the box of things before locking myself up in the bathroom while I cried my eyes out. I felt so weak. So pathetic. I searched for some sort of distraction from the pain I felt inside until my eyes fell upon the scissors in the drawer._

The buzzer went off and my eyes shot open taking in a deep breath in the process.

"You are making such progress Eli. These hypnotherapy sessions are really helping." Dr. Nichols said as I regained my composure.

"Yeah…how much did I say?" I asked unsure hoping I was caught in thoughts towards the end.

"Well as far as I can see things are your old school and Degrassi are quite the same but you are handling it much better this time. That's growth Eli. I'm proud." He said with a smile and I returned one weakly. If only he knew.

There was a knock at the door and he looked away from me.

"Our session is over for today anyway. I can go ahead and get out of your hair now." Dr. Nichols stood and I walked him to the door. When I opened it I sighed.

"Hi." Clare said with faint smile.

"Am I interrupting something?" She added as Dr. Nichols gave her a warming smile.

"Not at all. We are finished for today. I'll see you tomorrow Eli. Keep up the good work." He patted my back before walking past Clare out of the door.

"What do you want?" I asked her still standing in the threshold of the door.

"I was hoping I could talk to you about earlier...and to make sure you're okay." Clare said.

"I'm not really in the mood to rehash if you don't mind. Plus I'd rather not know about you and Fitzyboy." I mocked moving away from the door and she pushed it open further coming in.

"We aren't together…if that's what you think." She said quickly and I laughed.

"I could care less Clare. I just thought you broke up with me to escape the bullshit but I guess I was wrong. You just wanted bullshit covered in Jesus." I mocked and she frowned.

"He's changed Eli. I don't see why you have to be so rude to him." Clare said casting her gaze to the floor before I snapped.

"Is this really why you've come here? To talk about how saintly Fitz is now?" I said harshly.

"No! I wanted to check on you…Adam said-" I cut her off.

"Well I'm fine. I told you to stop worrying about me a long time ago. I can handle myself." I crossed my arms over my chest and she frowned.

"Fine but you can't make me stop caring and as much as you hate it you're going to have to get used to it because I'm working in the office now so I'll be helping with your community service whether you like it or not." She said more forcefully than she had in a conversation with me since the accident. I stepped closer to her and she froze.

"What are you going to do Clare? Save me?" I was close enough to whisper in her ear and I could feel her shudder a bit.

"I…I just want to help you Eli. Please, let me help." Clare begged and I pulled back a little to look down at her.

"It's too late. You already gave up on me." I said walking away from her and over to the door. She stared at me in disbelief before walking over to the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow Eli." She turned her back and walked off the porch as I closed the door. I let out a sigh as I hit my head against the door. Being that close to her may have made her clam up but it killed me inside. I just wanted to hold her, kiss her and never let her go but I knew we were way too far gone for all of that. There was another knock and I started to get frustrated.

"Seriously? Just leave already." I opened the door and was met with a surprising visitor.

"Um…Hey." It was Holly J.

"H-hey. What are you doing here?" I asked looking at her strangely. I mean I knew who she was and I've always been polite to her because she's Sav's girlfriend but we've never really been…friends.

"I wanted to come by and check on you." Holly J said scrunching her face.

"Why do I feel like you're lying to me?" I asked holding onto the door tightly as she sighed.

"Because I'm I used to be really good at it and now I'm not?" She almost joked but her face made me believe she was being honest. There was a few moments of awkward silence before she looked up at me.

"Would it be okay if I came in?" She asked and I opened the door wider for her to walk in before closing it behind her. She looked around my house as I led her into the living room to sit down.

"I eh saw little Edwards leaving in kind of a huff. Everything okay?" She asked sitting down.

"She just needs to move on. She made her choice so she needs to start dealing with it and stop trying to help me." I said bitterly.

"I heard you two broke up. I'm really sorry to hear that. You both seemed really happy together." Holly J frowned and I looked at her.

"No offense Holly J but what are you doing here? I mean, we aren't really friends and I mean I almost killed you. You should-" She cut me off.

"Hate you?" She finished and I looked down at my hands.

"Well…yeah. I killed someone special to you…I almost killed you. If anyone in this world should hate me it's you. I mean you've been doing a pretty good job at avoiding me for awhile so why have you suddenly decided to start being nice to me?" I asked as she gripped her hands together tightly.

"I've been avoiding talking to you because I've been trying to remember that night. Everything has been so fuzzy and I've been trying to put the pieces together and up until a few days ago I finally started to remember everything about that night." Holly J looked ahead of her like she was seeing images of that night or something and I stared intently waiting for her to continue.

"Declan asked me to meet him at the condo to talk and he wanted me to run away with him to California. He wanted to leave everything behind and start a life together away from Degrassi and all the drama-" I had to interrupt her.

"Holly J…I know you feel like you should tell me about this but I don't think I can take anymore today. I cant take knowing I cut your plans with-" She cut me off again.

"No, no, no. That's not it at all. Please just listen to me." She turned her body towards me and I nodded.

"You see, I loved Declan. I love him more than anything but we grew apart and I told him I needed a break." I sighed at how familiar that sounded.

"But somehow I found comfort in Sav. At first we were just keeping each other company. A little bit of companionship but nothing serious…until I fell for him. I didn't expect it but it happened and I've been happy with him. But Declan couldn't accept that. I told him that I didn't want to run away with him because I was in love with Sav and he was devastated. He begged and pleaded and I told him my heart was here…with Sav." She explained and I just continued to stare. I could have put Sav through what I went through with Julia and the thought alone was making me feel horrid.

"After we argued I told him to just take me back to the dance but he started acting crazy in the car. I didn't know he had been drinking most of the evening but the moment he got behind the wheel I knew. He was erratic and spastic, running lights and speeding. I was yelling at him to stop and it's as if he saw you coming." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had to look away and pinch myself to make sure I hadn't passed out or something.

"You were on your side of the road Eli. Declan was the one who ran into you." She reached over and gripped my hand and I looked at her startled.

"N-no. I've seen the crash photos. The positions of the cars…I passed out from the pills. I killed him." I spoke and she shook her head.

"He floored it and hit you at an angle. Both cars flipped and ended up in really bad positions but it wasn't your fault. You're innocent." She spoke softly trying to keep my eye contact but I jumped up from the couch dropping her hand off of mine.

"That's not possible. It's just not. I was the one who took the pills. I was trying to end it that night. It was my fault." I said pacing back and forth as Holly J stared at me.

"Eli, whatever you were trying to do to yourself that night didn't kill Declan. Declan killed Declan. It was his fault." She said but I just couldn't believe it.

"Why are you telling me this?" I looked down at her and she looked confused.

"I thought…I thought you needed to know. You're taking these beatings and Sav says you are beating yourself up enough. I knew you had to know the truth." She stood up and I just pulled at my sleeves as the burns started to itch.

"Who else have you told about this?" I asked sternly finally managing to hold her eye contact as she looked at me perplexed.

"Um…no one. I figured you should know first. I can talk to Fi-" I cut her off quick startling her.

"NO!" I paused and her eyes were wide.

"Don't tell anyone. Especially not Fiona." I said a bit more calm this time.

"Wh-what? Why not?" She asked.

"It's better for Fiona if she hates me for killing Declan. I don't want her to hate him for what you say he's done. She doesn't need that pain on top of losing her brother." I said honestly as Holly J stood baffled.

"You can't be serious? Eli, you are being torture daily. They are practically burning you at the stake. Everyone needs to know-" I cut her off once more.

"No…no they don't. I deserve this. I deserve all of this." I could feel my hands shaking as I spoke.

"Eli…you may have some issues that you need help for but putting yourself through this…it's crazy. They are going to end up killing you one of these days." Holly J stepped closer to me and I looked over at her.

"Then that's what was meant to be." I said simply.

"So what? You just die with everyone thinking you killed someone when you didn't? You would leave your parents here to listen to everyone gossip about their son, the murderer? What about Adam? Or Clare?" I shut my eyes tightly trying to block her words out.

"You don't understand Holly J. You don't know the things I've done in my life. You don't know me." I threw my hands out.

"It doesn't matter! What matters is you who you are now and all the people who love you and want to help you and you are so settled in the fact that you are some terrible person that doesn't even deserve the right to feel safe attending school. You want to give up on life then that's your bag but don't leave the ones who love and care about you to pick up the pieces. You taking the blame for Declan's death may seem selfless to you, like you're doing someone a favor but you are hurting everyone around you more by putting yourself on the chopping block where they can't help you." Holly J raised her voice and I felt…ashamed. I felt like I was arguing with Cece or something.

"Please…don't tell anyone Holly J. I'm begging you." I looked over at her and she frowned sadly.

"I'll make a deal with you. I won't tell but you need to let people help you deal with this burden you've decided to take on your shoulders." Holly J said pointing at me and I furrowed my brows confused.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"From what I saw at the hospital and what I've been a witness to since you've come back, you've got a family that would do anything for you and a group of friends who care deeply about you no matter what they think you've done…let them in. Stop pushing the ones who love you away so you can get buried by this secret." Holly J explained and I sighed. It was easier to feel alone in the world but I knew I had to bargain or else everything would be twice as much a mess then it already was.

"Fine, you've got yourself a deal." I shook her hand and followed her to the front door. She opened the door and looked back at me as I held it open.

"Take care of yourself Eli. I mean it." She said almost as sternly as Cece would and I smiled.

"I'll do the best I can…and thanks. No matter how it happened, I'm sorry for your loss." I said sadly and she nodded before walking out of the door. I watched her walk down the block before shutting the door and heading up to my room. I sat down on the bed and stared at my hands for the longest time trying to take in what Holly J had said. In a way, I was relieved I hadn't killed Declan but something inside of me still kept saying it was my fault. I don't know how…but it was my fault.


	7. Monster

****WARNING**** _Strong themes towards the end of this chapter. You've been warned. I do not mean to offend or mock themes suggested in this chapter. This is merely a work of fiction with very real habits. Read at your own risk._

* * *

I don't know how long I had been asleep for but the sound of someone softly crying from behind me woke me up. I didn't move at first as I laid on my stomach facing the window trying to figure out who it was.

"Please don't let him give up. I need him more than he knows. He's my best friend." I let out a slow breath. It was Adam.

"I don't want him to hate himself so much he has to hurt himself to feel. I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know he's like a brother and that no matter what I'm not going anywhere. I just need more time with him." Adam sounded so sad. It was as if I was on my death bed or something.

"You know, I'm not dead. I'm just sleeping." I said sounding groggy as I turned over towards him. He looked surprised and wiped at his face quickly.

"S-sorry. I'll go." He got up quickly and I sat up.

"Where are you going?" I asked confused as to why he suddenly wanted to get away from me.

"I just…I figured you wanted to be alone. I didn't mean to wake you up." Adam said with a slight sniffle. I reached over and grabbed a tissue and held it out.

"It's okay. I don't mind the company." I said looking as though I had completely thrown him but instead of taking the tissue he ran over and hugged me tightly.

"Eli, please don't kill yourself. You're my best friend and I know it's selfish of me to ask you to want to be alive because of all the shit you have to go through but no one gets me like you do. You are the only person who's accepted me wholeheartedly since day one. I don't know what I'd do without you." He cried as my bruised nose from today's run in with my locker pressed harshly against his stomach.

"Adam…I can't breathe…" I said but was muffled by his shirt. He let go and sat down on my bed in front of me. I handed him the tissue and he cleaned himself up a bit before I sighed.

"What are you so frantic about? I didn't try to kill myself today." I rubbed at my eyes and he looked confused.

"But…the pool…you said…" I shook my head at him.

"Owen and the football team tossed me in there. I said what I said because I was just tired of everything. I didn't actually try to kill myself." I explained and he looked down at his hands.

"But….what about your arms?" He glanced up and I must have taken my long sleeve shirt off and left my undershirt on when I went to sleep because the burns were visible at the moment.

"Also Owen. I got smart with him this morning and he didn't like that very much. Trust me, if I was going to start hurting myself I wouldn't be burning myself. That shit hurts like a bitch." I tried to lighten the mood but Adam still hung his head.

"Who were you talking to?" I asked randomly and he looked up.

"I don't know…your subconscious I guess. I didn't think you were awake. How much did you actually hear?" He asked nervously.

"Enough. It kind of sounded like you were talking to…to God or something." I said with a chuckle but when he didn't laugh or speak I knew I was correct.

"You may not believe but I do. We've all gotta believe in something." Adam said with a shrug.

"I don't." I said bluntly.

"Yes you do. What's something you wake up knowing everyday without fail?" Adam asked and I thought for a moment.

"Pain. Pain and suffering." I said honestly.

"Well you wake up believing that the day will bring you pain and suffering and I wake up believing someday you'll escape it. You have your beliefs and I have mine. Doesn't make us any different." Adam said and I nodded. He made sense. I couldn't argue with that.

"I heard Simpson stopped by. Cece practically gave me the third degree when I got here." Adam rolled his eyes.

"Yeah I've had a full house today. Simpson, Dr. Nichols, Clare, Holly J-" Adam cut me off.

"Holly J? What the heck was she doing here?" Adam asked as I leaned back against my headboard.

"She just wanted to check on me. She told me how worried you guys have been and that I needed to stop being such a dick to the people who actually care about me." I watched Adam eye me cautiously.

"Smart girl…you didn't like spit on her and send her away right?" Adam asked and I laughed.

"No, she's right." Adam's eyes went wide.

"She was?" He asked and I laughed again.

"Yeah. I've been treating you like shit…even that night-" Adam cut me off.

"Let's not talk about that night. You said a lot of things…you were upset." He said as if were okay that I had said such terrible things to him.

"No, I shouldn't have said those things and I shouldn't have pushed you away like I did, like I've been doing since I woke up. You are twice the friend and man I'll ever be Adam. You deserve a much better best friend." I explained and he shook his head.

"I don't want another best friend. Misfits stick together, remember?" Adam held his hand out and I smiled genuinely for the first time in what seemed like forever before bumping his fist with mine.

"I remember. " I smiled at him and he looked relieved.

"I know I've been a shitty friend lately with not being here for you and all-" I cut him off.

"Whoa, you've hardly been a shitty friend. I'm the one who's been pushing you away." I said putting my hand on my chest.

"Yeah but I'd usually push harder but I've just been taking the easy road and being there for Fiona and I know you really need the support too." Adam said and shook my head.

"Adam, she's your girlfriend. You need to be there for her. She needs you. Don't let me come between you and your girl." I clapped my hand down on his shoulder and he shrugged.

"I just feel like I'm taking sides in a way and I don't want you to think that. I love her but I love you too man." Adam looked torn and I smiled.

"I know that and I love you too…like a brother of course." I joked and he hit my arm.

"Just don't ever forget that I'm always going to be around if you need me okay? No matter what you make up in your head, I'm always going to be here for you. No matter what." Adam said and I shook my head.

"I know. Same goes for you." I pointed at him and he smiled before a silence set in.

"So speaking of love…you said Clare came by?" Adam scrunched his face up.

"Yeah, I was a jerk to her per usual." I sighed.

"You know, she asks me about you everyday right?" Adam said and I looked over at him.

"I don't know what to do about her man. Everything is so complicated." I ran my hands through my hair.

"Have you tried being nice?" He laughed and I glared playfully.

"It's not that easy. I just…I can't be nice to her. If I'm nice then she will want to be friends and I just can't…I can't be friends with her." I explained feeling a bit of déjà vu.

"Oddly enough it makes more sense now than it did before you guys started dating." Adam said sadly. We sat in silence a few moments before he sighed.

"Well I know how much you love sulking but I'm in the mood for some Xbox." Adam stood up and I laughed.

"Ah the truth comes out. You only use me for my Xbox." I straightened out my pants as I got off my bed.

"I thought that was obvious." I punched Adam in the arm as I followed him out of my room and down to the living room to play some video games. It was the first time Adam and I have not only played Xbox in the last month but have actually had a civil conversation. Isolating myself these past few weeks has put me in such a depression but that's where I felt like I was supposed to be. It was nice to feel human again.

When I entered school the next day I figured people would be itching at the bit to take shots at me but it seems they had taken Simpson's threat seriously. Not even a morning assault from Owen greeted me. People still whispered and occasionally took the risk and threw trash at me but I didn't care. No matter how much I felt I deserved the torment, the physical abuse was taking a toll on me.

"You don't seem so glum today." I was startled by my locker when she spoke. I glanced over at her and back into my locker.

"Yeah well I haven't had my ass kicked today so I guess you could say it's less glum." I didn't even look when I talked to her.

"I guess I'll see you back here after school for your community service." She sounded hopeful as I shut my locker and turned toward her.

"It's still early. Someone could always choke me out in the bathroom." I joked but she frowned.

"Don't say things like that." She practically whispered as I stepped closer to her.

"Why do you care? You wouldn't have to worry about me if I was gone, right?" I was standing so close I could smell her honey shampoo.

"I'd rather worry about you and you hate me then not have you around at all." She didn't look down at her feet this time. She lifted her head and looked me dead in the face making me the nervous one now. For a moment I got lost in the closeness and remember all the times we were normally this close before her lips met mine.

"Clare! We're going to be late." I looked up and saw Fitz standing at the end of the hallway and she now looked down and blushed.

"Looks like your escort is waiting." I felt anger building but I tried to bury it as I turned and walked away from her. The rest of the day she was all I could think about. It was driving me crazy but everything was an extended thought of Clare. I actually itched for school and therapy to be over so I could see her again. I walked by the cafeteria to throw my trash away and saw her sitting next to Fitz. The thought of them together in any aspect not only pissed me off but it broke my heart. She deserved so much better than Fitz. In no way do I feel like I fit that bill but not him. Anyone but him. I felt a hand on my shoulder and was relieved to see Adam standing next to me.

"You know, stalking isn't really the way to go either." Adam said jokingly and I gave him a Ha-Ha face.

"It drives me crazy that she is so close with him now." I said realizing how much it wasn't my place to even comment.

"Well she told me they aren't dating, just talking. They don't really seem to be going in that direction." Adam and I stared at them watching as Fitz kissed her cheek gingerly making her blush and smile.

"Yeah…let me know when you start kissing and flirting with her." I cocked an eyebrow and he frowned.

"Clare's a smart girl. She would never get with a guy like Fitz. Though his whole SAVED act is convincing…annoying as hell but convincing." Adam and I walked away from the cafeteria.

"I don't buy it. When Owen and his goons were setting me on fire yesterday he just walked in and nodded at him. If he was so Godly, he would have done or said something." I spoke and Adam looked shocked.

"You don't think…you don't think he'd hurt Clare like physically right?" Adam's words made me stopped dead in my tracks.

"If he knows what's good for him he won't. People already think I've killed one guy, I won't hesitate to make it true." I said unconsciously.

"What are you talking about?" Adam caught on and I looked at him trying to think of something to say in order to cover but was saved by the last person who would have ever wanted to save me.

"ADAM!" Fiona yelled from down the hall and stood with her arms crossed. Adam looked at me and I nodded.

"Just go, I've got to catch the bus to therapy anyway. I'll talk to you later." I said and he hit my arm before running off to talk to Fiona. I walked to the bus stop and waited quietly listening to my iPod. In just one week I would be able to get my cast off and I was hoping that I would get more outside community service opposed to being stuck inside where I spent most of my days. I walked in on time for my appointment waiting for Dr. Nichols to arrive and when he did he looked surprised to see me.

"Well Mr. Goldsworthy you are looking awfully chipper today." He said walking over to his desk and grabbing his notebook.

"Compared to every other day where I look like death warmed over?" I mocked and he rolled his eyes as he sat.

"You just look…happier. The medicine must be starting to work." He said crossing his leg.

"I guess so." I replied with a shrug.

"I was meaning to ask, who was that girl that came by yesterday during our session?" he asked and I felt it was ironic that she was all I was thinking about today and he had asked about her.

"That was Clare." I said simply.

"Clare…as in the ex-girlfriend?" It still stung alittle when she was referred to as my ex. It was so official and so true.

"Yes. She was coming by to check on me but I keep telling her to stop. It's not like I'm her problem anymore." I said bitterly leaning back in the chair.

"I take it things ended badly?" He asked and I rolled my eyes.

"If I was immature and ignorant I'd say everything that's happened to me thus far is her fault but I know better. I was too overbearing and suffocated her so she broke up with me. I kind of lost it. I felt ashamed. I felt like without her, I was nothing. One thing led to the next and here I am. One complete mess." I joked but he held a strong face.

"You sound like you still feel strongly about her. She must be some girl." He pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"Sadly, I think I'll always have strong feelings for her. She changed my life in ways I never thought possible. She was completely unexpected but much like a drug I was too addicted from the moment we met." I got lost in my words for a moment and Dr. Nichols cleared his throat.

"How about we go back to that moment. Let's make today's hypno-session about the first time you met Clare." Dr. Nichols said gesturing to the couch. I sighed before getting up and lying down on the couch.

"Now relax and close your eyes. Take a deep breath in and out and tell me where you were…with you were thinking…what you were feeling."

_The moment I had pulled up to the school I knew that I was going to be gossiped about. Morty roared into the lot and took up a large space and my music probably didn't help as I stepped out dressed in my usual all black attire and a look of distaste in general for schooling of any kind as I walked inside the front doors of my new school. Degrassi: home of the panthers. How lame. I walked the halls taking in the bright atmosphere and the energy of the students and teachers and realize it was far more chipper here than any school I'd ever been to. It was rather annoying. Not one person in the entire place looked like I'd want to even remotely have any sort of friendship with. Minus the one kid in the office who was reading The Goon. He was quiet and wore a brown beanie while, who I could only assume was his brother sat next to him in a football jersey. I made note of the kid's good taste in comics before my name was called and I went in with Ms. Sovay to pick my classes._

_I had just finished registering for my new classes and I could already tell that Degrassi was going to be full of drama but I hoped I could stay under the radar. Not one girl reminded me of Julia. They all seemed like cardboard cut outs. No one stood out among the rest. No one had that spark in their eyes. I was relieved though. I had sworn off girls and love in general after leaving my old school. There was no way I would want to ever put myself out there with anyone after what happened to her. Every day was getting easier to deal with but I knew if I was still stuck back at Franklin there is no way I'd even be alive right now. I got into Morty and started out of the lot when I glanced at two girls walking down the sidewalk playfully fighting over a pair of what looked to be glasses when I noticed the glasses had been tossed into the street just as Morty drove by. Judging by their expressions it was too late. I had already run them over._

_I put Morty in park and opened my door stepping out to see I indeed ran over the glasses. I bent down and picked them up watching bits of glass fall from the golden frames before looking up at the girl with the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen. I almost forgot to speak._

"_I think they're dead." Could I be any more of an idiot? Of course they are. I ran them over. _

"_It's…its okay. I don't need them anymore…I uh…I got laser surgery." The girl stuttered so beautifully it was like just my mere presence made her nervous as I handed her the broken glasses. I took a moment to take in her beauty. Her golden curls had the slightest tint of auburn and feel around her face as she looked down at the glasses to keep from looking at me. _

"_You have pretty eyes." My mouth moved faster than I could process as I continued to stare at her watching a slight blush creep across her cheeks. It was like her friend had disappeared as I gaped at her beauty making a fool of myself._

"_Um thanks." She smiled politely trying to avoid my gaze more so now that I had made her blush. _

"_I'll uh…see you around?" She said more like it was a question rather than an actual farewell giving me hope._

"_Guess you will." I said keeping it short before turning back to Morty and getting in. I had to take a deep breath before pulling my way through the lot making sure to look at her in my review to see her smiling. I hadn't had this feeling since…since the first time I saw Julia. The thought alone made my emotions go into overdrive until I actually had to pull over and catch my breath. I felt like I was…I don't know…cheating on her memory. To have these feelings for anyone but her at first glance was just unheard of. I was never the love at first site kind of guy until I met Julia. Now this girl…hell I didn't even know her name yet and she had totally taken my breath away. Something in my stomach ached terribly until my phone rang. It was Cece. _

"_Hey mom, I just got done registering. I'm on my way home now." I said into the phone as I pulled Morty back onto the road and started toward the house._

"_That's good. Did you make any new friends?" She asked excited._

"_Mom, it was just registration. It's not like I really had time to do a meet and greet but from what I've seen there aren't too many people here I'd really like to get to know." I said sighing at the stop light._

"_Well what do you think of the school?" She asked hopefully as I looked over at the café down the street called The Dot and saw the beautiful blue eyed girl in the window. Her eyes caught mine and she waved hesitantly smiling a bit unnerved. _

"_I think I'm going to like it here." I said with a smile as the light turned green and I had to pull my eyes from her as I gave a slight wave in return. _

The memory started to fade to black and get fuzzy as Dr. Nichols voice pushed its way into my brain.

"Let's move along to when you met officially. Introduction wise…" I tried to block his words out and focus on that memory which slowly started to appear through the fog.

_I had been trying to go home early ever since they announced the pep rally after school but it would appear that Morty favored school sponsored events as he refused to start up. I popped the hood and pulled my tools from the back before I started working on him. I tried not to let the distraction of the cheers and the school president on the mega phone distract me, only glancing over every once in awhile to see what was going on before focusing on fixing the problem. Though I was brought back to the site when I heard the mystery girl's friend on the megaphone. Apparently she was the little sister of the president but I only looked for obvious reasons. _

"_Hi…I'm Alli Bhandari and this is-well I am Degrassi's Big D Dance Crew…wooo." Her sad attempt at getting a rise out of the crowd only intrigued me more. It was like watching a train wreck or someone using a really bad pick up line. You just couldn't look away._

"_I'm a bad friend, kinda bad dancer and a mega bad club organizer but I love my school…and the Panthers…and if you do too then feel free to join!" I let out a laugh as she walked over to the small boom box and turned it on. She attempted to rile the crowd into a rhythmic clap but it just wasn't working in her favor. I let out a laugh as I turned back to Morty and making sure to glance back over my shoulder just as someone stepped down off the bleachers. It was her. The blue eyed girl that took my breath away just the other day. She was trying to get the girl to stop dancing but just when I thought she was going to pull her away kicking and screaming from embarrassment she started dancing herself. _

_I turned around fully now leaning against Morty as my arms rested across my chest as I watched her very unique dancing in front of all those at the pep rally with the cheerleaders standing behind her with smug smiles silently judging her. The more she danced it seemed the more she seemed to lose herself in the moment making me smile. More people joined in but my eyes stayed on her as she laughed freely. It wasn't until her eyes caught mine from across the way did I feel a warmth rise in my chest. She blushed and covered her face before making her way from the field across the lot towards me. I shook my head and turned towards Morty just as she reached me._

"_Wow, I'm super embarrassed." She said with a bit of a laugh. I glanced at her watching the wind take one of her curls off her face for a moment._

"_As you should be. Dance moves like that were acceptable back in the 50's, not so much now." I said jokingly and she blushed._

"_Hey! I've been to a bunch of church fundraisers where my dancing is truly appreciated." She said placing a hand on Morty. _

"_And I'll bet everyone in their 70's truly felt you were the bee's knee's." I teased making her blush more. _

"_Well it was either let my best friend embarrass herself alone or take one for the team. What's a girl to do?" She said with a smile as I turned my attention to her fully this time._

"_How very noble of you." I smirked making her laugh. _

"_I'm Clare by the way…Clare Edwards." She extended her hand and I took it. The mere touch gave me chills as I shook her hand._

"_Eli Goldsworthy." I smiled staring into her eyes for as long as I could before she pulled her hand away and looked down at it. I noticed I had gotten a bit of grease on her hand during the introduction._

"_Oh I'm sorry." I grabbed the rag and stepped closer taking her hand to wipe the grease away._

"_It's…its okay." She smiled looking up at me. I released her hand once it was clean and stepped back towards Morty. _

"_So…you're new. Did you just move here or transferred for the amazing dance team?" She joked and I laughed._

"_No I just needed a fresh start." I tried to keep it discreet. Telling some stranger that I had transferred to get away from the torments of killing my ex girlfriend would be a bit of an over share. Plus I wasn't really trying to scare this girl off just yet._

"_Well on behalf of the Big D Dance Crew, welcome." She laughed. _

"_I certainly feel welcomed after such a dance. I haven't had a good laugh in awhile." I meant it more on a personal note but she took it as me making fun._

"_I'm such a dorky dancer." She covered her face embarrassed again._

"_Yeah but it's cute." I smiled and she blushed. There were a few moments of silence before she cleared her throat._

"_Well…I uh I guess I'll see you around school?" She backed away from Morty and put her hands in her back pockets._

"_Dancing like that, how could I possibly stay away?" I teased with a smirk and she smiled that gorgeous smile of hers. _

"_It was nice meeting you Eli Goldsworthy and welcome to Degrassi." She said just as the sun shined through her hair as if giving her her own spotlight on Earth. _

"_Likewise Clare Edwards and thank you. I feel very welcomed." I smiled at her and watched as she bit her lip before turning away from me and walking back to the pep rally. I repeated her name over and over in my head. Clare Edwards. It sounded like the name of an angel. All I knew was that despite the urge in my stomach that said to stay away and stay under the radar something in my heart pushed all those feelings down and ached just to get to know her._

The buzzer went off and for the first time I didn't jump startled. I merely opened my eyes and felt the hint of a smile pulled at the corner of my mouth.

"So things haven't always been bad, I see?" Dr. Nichols smiled at me and I returned it.

"Things were a lot more new and innocent back then. The connection we had was pure but like all good things, I tainted it." I sighed sitting up from the couch and glancing at the clock.

"We still have a few minutes if you want to talk about some of your journal entries?" He offered and I shook my head.

"I actually need to get to community service. I skipped yesterday so tomorrow we can go over all the things I've managed to ruin in my life." I chuckled standing up and putting my notebook in my bag.

"Try working on that wall Eli. The more you open up, the more the wall comes down. I have a feeling you'll be surprised with who's waiting on the other side." Dr. Nichols said as I threw my bag over my shoulder.

"Will do, Doc. See you tomorrow." I saluted him as I walked out and felt this overwhelming feeling that I need to write something. After getting on the bus, I managed to write the entire ride back to Degrassi. I felt strangely light today. I don't know if it was because I made things better with Adam or because a part of me hoped Holly J was right about me not killing Declan but I just felt like the world wasn't such a horrible place at the moment.

I slipped into my painting jumper before putting my head phones in and getting the buckets to clean the paint off the stage. I was thankful they had cancelled play rehearsal for today so I didn't have to stick around and clean the stage later. I had only been scrubbing for an hour when I heard the doors shut from the top of the aisle. Clare's mouth was moving but I couldn't hear her because of my music however she seemed to be irritated about something. I pulled my ear bud out and raised my brows at her.

"Oh…I didn't know you had your headphones in." She said almost as if she had lost the fire she had entered the room with.

"Did you need something?" I asked nonchalantly but that seemed to spark her fire again.

"Listen, I know you hate me and don't want to talk to me but Ms. Sovay assigned me to keep track of your hours and make sure you report on time. I'm sorry if that pisses you off but you still have to let me know when you get here and where you are!" Clare walked down the aisle towards the stage in a huff before stopped at the stage and crossing her arms over her chest. I paused my music before dropping my brush in the bucket of dirty water and hoping off the stage carefully.

"I apologize. It completely slipped my mind, it's nothing personal. I will make sure to check in next time." I said in a calmed tone.

"I don't care that you…wait…what?" Clare had been prepared for me to be nasty with her I suppose but my calm demeanor caught her off guard.

"For the record, I don't hate you either and I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. You have every right to be angry with me. I'll try not to be so rude in the future." I watched Clare's face swirl with emotions as she looked around.

"Are you messing with me?" She asked and I chuckled.

"Let's just say I've had a change of heart and instead of hating the world I will focus more of that anger on myself." I joked. She stepped closer to me with a frown.

"I don't know if I like that plan." She bit the inside of her cheek.

"Well Clare if anyone knows how complicated I am it's you. This is how I am. I'm sorry." I rubbed at my hand before tucking them into my pockets.

"So does this mean we can be friends now?" She asked hopeful but I had to let her down.

"No." I said sadly watching her hopes diminish.

"Oh." She looked down at her feet and rubbed the back of my neck.

"It's too hard for me to be your friend Clare. You know that. There is just too much history." I explained and she nodded.

"I know. I guess I was just hoping-" I cut her off.

"Though I'm not opposed to keeping a professional relationship with you. You are like my mini probation officer so we can talk community service and such but that's as far as I can take this. Is that okay?" I asked watching the smile that still had me weak in the knees reappear.

"I'd really like that. " She said making me smile.

"Alright, then it's a deal." I extended my hand and she giggled before taking it and shaking it only to get red paint on her.

"Shit…sorry about that." I pulled a rag from my pocket and started wiping at her hand. She chuckled and I looked down at her.

"Introductions and deal making really isn't your strong suit." She joked and I couldn't help but laugh.

"This is vaguely familiar isn't it?" I said making her shake her head as I finished cleaning the paint from her delicate hand though I hadn't let go as I stared at her. The closeness didn't seem to bother her but like most of our moments, someone had entered the auditorium intruding on our moment together.

"Clare…you were supposed to meet me for our study date 20 minutes ago." Fitz stood at the top of the steps and I just glanced at him before looking down at Clare who had pulled her hand from mine.

"Sorry, I'm just finishing up." Clare turned back to me and I gave a weak smile.

"I'll slip my hour's sheet in your locker when I leave." Before she could say anything I spoke.

"Sorry I couldn't stay longer. I'm helping Fitz with his English assignments." She explained and I shook my head.

"Well if anyone can help someone ace English it's you." As much as it killed me to act like her tutoring Fitz didn't bother me I knew that the deal with Holly J included being nice to Clare so I had to learn to grit my teeth and bear it. She smiled at me and that made it all worth it.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Don't work too hard." She said squeezing my arm lightly before turning to walk up the walkway. I hadn't noticed Fitz glaring at me but as her back was turned I glared right back. He knew I saw him for what he was and I think that scared him more than anything. I got back up on the stage and finished ridding it of red paint before filling out my sheet and slipping it into Clare's locker.

The next few days it seemed I couldn't wait for the end of the day just so I could spend those fleeting moments with Clare. Adam had been coming over more and my therapy sessions weren't as difficult to get through these days. Though every time I saw Owen and his goons it was like this thick tension was mounting. They knew that I was untouchable during school hours and between football practice and my random community service hours it was like they couldn't pin me down long enough to torture me. It was driving them crazy and secretly making me uneasy. I hid it well and tried to keep my schedule as random as possible.

I was actually excited today because I finally was able to get the stupid cast off and I was more than ready to say my goodbyes to it. I had suited up and headed out front towards the picnic tables that needed to be repainted. I had my headphones in and on occasion sang aloud to the words of whatever song was playing until the music stopped as a result of someone pulling the cord from my IPOD. I looked up to see Clare smiling brightly with a brush in her hand and a large, thin, denim smock.

"Hey! Look at you without that huge boot clunking up your wardrobe." Clare teased and I made a face at her.

"Yeah hey, nice smock. Very you." I laughed and she hit my arm lightly.

"You make fun and I've come to help." She dipped her brush into the paint I was using and I furrowed my brows at her.

"Are you allowed to do that? I mean I don't want you taking credit for my amazing painting job here." I teased and she cut her eyes at me.

"Yeah because you're uneven strokes are so flaunt worthy its insane." She teased right back and I acted hurt.

"You sure know how to hurt a guy's ego." I said mocking her as she stood next to me and started painting.

"Does your foot feel okay?" She asked and I glanced down.

"Surprisingly yes. I think keeping it wrapped up in the bandage at night when I sleep definitely helped so thanks." I smiled and she returned it.

"Glad to help." She bumped my shoulder with hers as a silence started to settle over us.

"So how are your therapy sessions going?" She asked out of the blue and I cocked an eyebrow.

"Clare-" She cut me off quickly.

"Technically, as your community service advisor I am allowed to ask considering your mental health is a priority when working on school property like this picnic table here." Clare gestured down and I eyed her for a moment before laughing.

"How long did it take you to think of that loophole?" I asked and she bit her lip.

"A week?" She answered hesitantly making me smile. Knowing Clare that was the complete truth.

"So?" She asked again and I sighed.

"They are going fine. He's actually got me doing a lot of hypnotherapy which is pretty crazy." I said and she nodded.

"Does that stuff really work?" She asked curiously dipping her brush into the paint.

"I was surprised too but yeah it works really well actually. It's like reliving moments of my life all over again. Some good…some bad." I said honestly. The last session we had went well but I was too afraid to mention the voices I kept hearing. I read in a book that hearing voices was the number one sign of insanity and was worried if I mentioned it they would lock me up in some nut ward or something. They weren't too bad. If I took deep breaths and told myself they weren't real they would die down so I felt I could handle it on my own for now.

"Eli?" Clare's voice broke me from my thoughts and I looked at her.

"Sorry, did you say something?" I asked and she eyed me strangely.

"You spaced out a bit. Are you okay?" She asked.

"I'm fine. I guess just a little tired. I don't sleep much anymore." I said like it was no big deal but I froze when Clare's fingertips ran under my right eye.

"I can tell. You should really talk to your doctor about something to help you sleep." Clare could see I was tense by her touch and removed her hand from my face.

"The last thing I need is another prescription. I already feel like a pharmacy." I sighed. I could feel her eyes on me.

"Well what do they have you taking now?" She asked and I considered not answering but didn't see the harm in telling her.

"Something for my panic attacks, something for my anxiety, Prozac for my depression-" Clare cut me off.

"Prozac? That stuff is really bad for you." Clare's sudden burst in concern made me stop painting.

"How would you know?" I asked out of curiosity and she looked down at the table.

"My sister Darcy suffered from depression a few years back. That stuff actually made her more…" She stopped.

"Suicidal?" I questioned and she bit her lip telling me she didn't want to talk about it.

"Well I'm sorry about your sister but don't worry. It seems to be working just fine." I tried to reassure her but she just nodded.

"Just be careful okay? I hear it's got bad side effects." Clare added. I looked over at her and smiled.

"I will." She smiled at me.

"LOOK WHO IT IS!" Clare jumped startled by Owen's loud voice as he walked towards us.

"What do you want Owen?" Clare asked while I started to gather the paint to head back inside.

"Oh nothing just wanted to spend some time with my dear friend Eli here. Haven't been able to mess around with you in a while." If at all possible Owen looked like he had actually gotten bigger.

"I'm not sure if you knew or not but I'm straight Owen. Maybe you should work that pent up frustration out on the field with the rest of the boys in tight pants." I said making a face and Clare hit my arm.

"Just go Owen." Clare stepped forward putting her arm up and Owen pushed past her causing something inside of me to jump quickly.

"Don't fucking push her!" I said outraged pushing him backwards.

"Eli, please don't!" Clare spoke up but was ignored.

"I've been working on something special just for you freak."Owen said making his eyes bug out kind of crazy as he closed in on me.

"Yeah? What's that?" I asked but was met with a quick, brutal kick straight to the nards. I fell to me knees instantly gasping and coughing.

"My punt." He said with a laugh as he towered over me.

"GET OUT OF HERE OR I'M CALLING SIMPSON!" Clare pushed Owen away from me and he put his hands up and backed away. I curled up in the fetal position gripping my manhood painfully trying to fight the urge to vomit. Clare dropped down next to me and her hands hovered over me.

"I know, don't touch anything but is there anything I can do?" She asked helplessly as I gasped for air.

"Ohhh this never get's easy." I said and she chuckled.

"I don't imagine it ever getting kicked to be a pleasant experience." She pushed my hair off my face and I glanced up at her.

"I blame you." I said letting my head hit the ground.

"What? How is this my fault? I didn't do-" I cut her off as she started having a meltdown.

"Every time I get kicked in the nuts you are within arms distance. You jinx." I laughed and she realized I was joking.

"Well you being a smart mouth doesn't help either, Sherlock. " She teased as I shifted up onto my elbows. There were a few moments of silence as I tried to move around a bit.

"Think you can get up now?" She asked and I gave a slight nod as she helped me up. I leaned against the table and she laughed. The moment she laughed I realized what I had just done and closed my eyes.

"Table's still wet, right?" I said with my eyes still closed. Clare's giggles confirmed my suspicion as I moved off the table to try and look at the back of my jumper.

"Maybe you could start a trend." She laughed at me and I cut my eyes at her.

"Laugh it up." I said as she tried to stifle her laughs. I hadn't even noticed him walking up until I let out a breath only to feel my heart jump a bit.

"Hey Clare!" As if he had a tracking device Fitz had walked from the school up to us.

"Should have seen that coming." I said making her glance at me as I continued to paint.

"Up for some coffee before my shift? I'll treat of course." Fitz asked and I could feel her looking over at me.

"Um…actually I think I'm going to help Eli finish this up." She said politely and I looked over at her.

"It's no big deal. I can do it." I said.

"Yeah, he's not really building character if you are helping him Clare." Fitz said making me chuckle before looking up at him.

"You'd know all about character building wouldn't you Fitzy?" I said with a smug smile.

"Yes, I would. I did my time and found something to believe in…as well as someone to believe in me. I hope someday you find the same." Fitz's words made me laugh.

"It's funny because I had all that once." I glared at him and cocked an eyebrow at me knowing exactly what I was talking about.

"Perhaps you should have appreciated it a little more." Fitz's words tempted me and Clare finally stepped in.

"Not today Fitz, alright. Maybe some other time." Clare stepped forward and Fitz took his eyes off me to stare a Clare surprised. I felt a bit of satisfaction that she choose to stay with me opposed to going with him but he caught me smirking.

"Fine. I'll call you later." He said almost rudely before walking away towards The Dot. Clare turned back to me and ran her hand through her hair frustrated. I looked back over her shoulder to see Fitz on his cell phone. He continued to glare at me and I just kept my gaze steady watching a sadistic grin spread across his lips as he flipped his phone shut.

"Maybe we should call it a day." Clare pulled me from my thoughts and I looked down at her.

"Why did you do that?" I asked watching her gather the paint and brushes.

"I don't know. I guess I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Clare avoided eye contact and I pulled on her arm making her look at me.

"The truth Clare. You knew I could handle myself. Why did you stay with me instead of going with Fitz?" I asked still holding her arm.

"I just…I know you don't consider us friends and we don't really talk about personal things but this is the only time I get to spend with you." She hesitantly met my eyes and I took the paint and brushes from her.

"I enjoy spending time with you too." I smiled at her as we walked back into the building and just as we reached the storage closet she pulled on my arm.

"You know that I'll always be here for you right? Just call and I'm there." She smiled at me and I nodded.

"We should really get out of here. They are going to want to close up soon." I said putting the keys in the door to open it.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I have to run to the office to get your sheets. Be right back." She gave my arm a squeeze before walking down the hall towards the office. I turned into the closet and made sure the door was wide enough so I could see out of it as I put the paint and brushes away. I thought I heard a noise but didn't think much of it as I pulled my jumped off and hung it on the hook.

"_You think you are getting better but you know you aren't_." I stopped and closed my eyes.

"Please not now." I said aloud.

"_No one wants you here. Your best friend is on the other team and the girl you love is falling for someone else. Someone sane. Someone better._"

"That's not true. Shut up. This is not real." I pulled at my hair trying to get the voices to stop.

"_Face it. You are a monster hiding behind a smile and fake reassurance. No matter how hard you fight you know that there is only one way to make us go away_."

"You're fine Eli. Calm down. They aren't real." I took a deep breath but jumped at someone's loud fit of laughter as my eyes shot open.

"You are a fucking whack job. Sleep tight freak." Owen flipped the switch and slammed the door shut in my face before I even had time to make a move.

"LET ME OUT! OPEN THE DOOR! I MEAN IT! OPEN UP!" I yelled in anger pounding my fist on the wooden door to get no legitimate response.

"_The walls are closing in Eli. There is only a matter of time before you suffocate yourself_."

It was becoming impossible to breath which only made me pound harder.

"LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!" I screamed hearing the fear and sheer panic in my voice.

"_No matter how loud you scream or how hard you fight no one will hear you_."

"CLARE! CLARE, OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!" I was balling my eyes out now as I pounded and screamed to no avail.

"_All the people you think love you would be so much better without you. Do them all a favor…and disappear_."

"HELP ME PLEASE! PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!" I felt the skin on my hands break open from pounding so hard not even caring that I had smeared my blood on the back of the door when finally it opened and I toppled out onto the floor.

"Oh my God! Eli, what happened?" Clare fell to her knees next to me as I slide away from the door so quickly I hit the lockers behind me.

"Eli! You're bleeding!" She grabbed at my hands as I breathed frantically pushing her away suddenly.

"Where were you! I called for you and you didn't help me!" I said still very upset and clearly hysterical.

"I was in the office. I didn't hear you calling until I get down the hall." Clare tried to reach out and touch me again and I slide away from her.

"NO! You said…you said to just call…I just need to…I need to disappear." I scrambled to get to my feet and she kept trying to stop me.

"Eli, please wait and tell me what happened!" She pleaded and I gripped my hair tightly as tears streamed down my face.

"PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed the plea watching her face break as I lost all self respect I had as I booked it out of the school panting and whimpering. I ran all the way home taking full advantage of my cast-less foot a bit more than I should have as I burst through the front door and stumbled up the steps to my room slamming the door behind me. I let my face fall into my hands as I rocked back and forth on my bed trying to get the voices to stop.

"_You know how to make us go away. Stop being such a coward Eli. Do it….Do it_."

I thought for a few moments trying to remember where the old cosmetics bag was in my mess of a room and remembered that I had stored it under my bed. I searched for a few moments before pulling it out and looking at it. Opening the bag would open a door to a dark past and I was terrified just thinking about it but I knew it was what _they_ wanted. I grabbed clean clothes and ran for the bathroom the moment I opened the door only to be startled by Bullfrog's voice from the bottom of the steps.

"Are you alright, bud?" He called up to me and I felt my heart beating rapidly.

"Y-yeah. I'm going to shower now." I said quickly before he could even reply I shut and locked the door. I turned the shower on watching the steam quickly rise and fog the mirror up. I used my hand to wipe the moisture away and saw how tousled I looked. Eyes looked dead, dark circles underneath, tear streaked cheeks, blood on my face from where I wiped my tears away with gashes and bruise lying brutally on my knuckles. I turned the sink on to rinse the blood off my hands and noticed instantly how terrible my hands were shaking. I tucked them under my arms and paced back and forth staring at the bag on the countertop.

"_Do it…take the pain away_."

I squeezed my eyes shut as my shaky hands slowly unzipped the bag. I burst into tears and dropped to my knees for even considering this but it was too late. I had already opened the bag. I pulled out the contents of the bag: a small bottle of bleach, rubbing alcohol, a small hand towel, bandages, ointment and the 5 inch sharpened hair cutting scissor I hadn't come face to face with in almost two years. I poured the rubbing alcohol over the blades and wiped them clean with the hand towel before filling the sink with bleach and pulling my shirt over my head. I slid down against the wall and gazed at the scissors for the longest time. Everything in my head was screaming NO but my heart ached for release from the pain in my chest and the voices in my head that overpowered my own egging me on. I opened the scissors and it was as if my hand was possessed as it fell in the same place where a faded scar resided in the middle of my chest right below my sternum. I took a few deep breaths before dragging the blade across my skin, pressing lightly at first before images of Julia flashed into the darkness behind my eyes causing me to press harder. I moved an inch down and started a new wound this time images of Clare swamped my site and I let out a slight whimper feeling the warm blood run down my stomach. I continued cutting into my skin with images of all the people I've ever loved flooded my thoughts until I began to get a little dizzy.

I pushed the remainder of my clothes off before I crawled over to the shower where the hot water was still running and managed to get in feeling the hot water make my wounds feel that much more painful but I couldn't help but realize the voices had disappeared. My mind was focused on the pain I was causing myself and seemed to overpower the voices that haunted me. I washed the crimson from my body and when I felt like I could see straight I turned the shower off. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around my hips before wiping the mirror clean of fog to see the gashes down my chest to my stomach still bleeding. I took the small hand towel and pressed it firmly to the wounds with one hand while I opened the bandages and the ointment with the other. I felt the hand towel seeping through to my hand and noticed it was covered in blood. I forgot that my anxiety pills thinned my blood so I was bleeding more than I usually did but I used some of the rubbing alcohol on them cringing and banging my hand down on the counter from the sting but it seemed to help the bleeding stop. I dropped the hand towel into the sink with the bleach and looked at the clock. It wouldn't take long for the blood to be pulled from the cloth and it looks as good as new. I applied the ointment to the gashes and covered them with bandages before cleaning up my mess, wiping the scissors clean with the alcohol and placing everything back in the bag. I looked myself over in the mirror ashamed of my new scars I had created but I felt sickeningly relieved as I pulled my shirt over my head and sat on the edge of the tub waiting for the hand towel to finish bleaching. Once it had finished I drained the sink, washed it out and rang the cloth out placing it down in the bag, zipping it and putting it under the sink where it resided in what seemed like a previous life.

I let out a sigh as I finished cleaning the bathroom up and preparing myself to face my parents with a painted smile and shame ridden just under my shirt. I took another glance in the mirror and felt that familiar shadow lingering over my appearance. He was a monster I'd become so accustom to I knew before long I wouldn't be able to tell myself apart from the shadow.


	8. Voices

**Sorry for the long wait. I've had some issues with my health but I figured some fluff was just what you guys needed since I've managed to keep this dark and depressing since Chapter 1 so please enjoy this chapter. It's all downhill from here. Thanks for sticking with me. I truly appreciate it. This is also the first chapter with a POV from Clare. I hope you all enjoy.**

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I went straight back to avoiding Clare as much as possible but refrained from being hateful towards her. I should have known that she couldn't promise to always be there for me. I was a wreck 24/7. It was an impossible task for anyone so it was unfair to hold her to some higher standard that she could never reach. I had hoped that night would be my only relapse with cutting myself but sadly I had four more episodes in the past week. It was keeping the voices away and that was my main focus at this point. I found the abuse from Owen and his goons only occurred after hours and without my cast I was able to out run them surprisingly but just to the office. I had been caught once outside of my house but Bullfrog came out wielding a baseball bat and they scattered pretty quickly. He questioned me about it but I just wasn't in the sharing mood. Therapy had started going downhill once I started cutting everyone back off and I found writing in my journal started turning into depressing poetry that had me sitting in Mr. Simpson's office asking about my mental health by Wednesday but I merely told him I was tapping into my emotional side for my assignments and that I was perfectly fine. It's amazing some of the things you can fake with just a smile.

Putting a brave face on for Adam was becoming more and more difficult as he tried to get me out in the public to do things. Even Sav had come out with us on occasion but it felt more like a chaperone then him actually hanging out with us. He watched me closely as if I had no idea but I knew immediately what he was doing. We had played Xbox the night before and I overheard him talking with Bullfrog and Cece in the kitchen and apparently he was "watching out for me" so they wouldn't worry so much. The thought alone pissed me off but I knew the moment I freaked out on him it would go straight back to Holly J and I didn't want even more issues.

I had picked up another nasty habit as well as I stood on the roof of the school inhaling the nicotine into my lungs, feeling the burn as I held it in long enough to intoxicate my system a little further. It helped fit the itch I had from the scabs on my body from all the cuts that covered my stomach, bits of my chest and sides and now a little bit of my biceps as I started running out of room on my battered canvas of pain. I took a much needed break from avoiding Clare on the roof but just when I had started to actually relax the door to the roof swung open and I quickly hid the cigarette behind my back silently cursing myself for having taken a hit beforehand. Though it wasn't Clare, it was Holly J eyeballing me.

"You do realize that if you are caught up here, you could be expelled, right?" She informed me very nonchalantly. I shrugged and turned my head to the side to try and blow a bit of smoke out only making her shake her head.

"I see trespassing isn't your biggest concern. Obviously lung cancer is more your speed." She walked towards me as I let my guard down and pulled the cigarette from behind my back only to have her cross her arms over her chest and stare at me unamused.

"What? Are you going to rat me out or just stare at me until I finish it?" I asked putting it back to my lips.

"You can either put it out yourself or I can put it out in your eye." She said sternly and I waited a moment testing her patience just for good measure before her glare became too much for me as I put it out on the bottom of my shoe.

"Happy?" I said with a sarcastic grin.

"Since when do you smoke?" She asked ignoring my mock.

"I don't…well I do but not often. It's a stress reliever." I said as if she was trying to trap me into an answer.

"Try a crossword. Those are horrible for you." She said making a disgusted face as she smelled the smoke on me.

"Okay mom, anything else?" I asked rudely and she cut her eyes at me.

"Little Edwards has been looking for you like a lost puppy. You wouldn't be avoiding her, now would you?" Holly J cocked her eyebrow at me and I rolled my eyes.

"Why do I feel like I'm being blackmailed all of the sudden? I mean shouldn't it be my business to tell? Why do I HAVE to be nice just so you'll keep the truth about the accident a secret?" I asked shaking my head.

"It shouldn't be a secret to begin with. I'm starting to think you get off on getting your ass kicked." Holly J said causing my eyes to snap to her quickly making her uneasy.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just…I don't see why you are doing this to yourself. You're suffering, your friends and family are suffering and for what?" She gave me such a look of pity when she said it but all I could do was sigh.

"I know what it's like to find out that someone you love hopelessly isn't who you thought they were…I don't want to cause Fiona anymore heartache then she's already going through. I'd rather her despise me then be mad at her brother for having problems. In time, I'll disappear from her life and she will be able to move on. She won't have to carry the burden of knowing her brother…gave up." I explained but before Holly J could say anything Coach Armstrong came through the door.

"What are you two doing up here? You know you aren't allowed up here." He said sternly.

"Sorry Coach, we thought we saw some kids run up here and we were afraid they were going to do something stupid. Didn't think about it, my apologies." She said very believable as Coach Armstrong looked us over.

"Well next time get a teacher." He held the door open and we both walked back into the school past him. I started to veer away from Holly J and she gripped my arm making me wince.

"Ahh." I pulled away and she let go immediately as I rubbed my bicep where she had gripped one of my fresh cuts from last night.

"Sorry, sorry I just wanted to say…be careful. While I respect you for caring about Fiona, this could end you. Think about it wisely." She held my gaze for a few moments until we were both startled by Chantay and Marisol's voices as they held out clipboards and tried to get passing students to sign them. It wasn't until Chantay moved to the left did I see my face with an X on it on the tablecloth.

"Rid Degrassi's hall of the nonsense once and for all. Sign the petition to get the school murderer out of here." Marisol's voice rang out as people stopped to sign the paper. I watched Holly J walk up to them hastily and grabbed Chantay's arm.

"What the hell is this?" She asked tearing the clipboard from her hands.

"It's a petition to get Eli Goldsworthy expelled." I noticed a very pregnant Jenna sitting behind the table speaking up.

"Who authorized this? You need student council approval for things like this and I know Sav wouldn't-" Holly J was interrupted as Fiona walked over.

"I started it. He needs to go. Simpson and everyone else is so concerned about the bullying well then he needs to leave." She said with a cold face.

"Fiona, this is bullying. You can't keep this petition going. He didn't do anything wrong." Holly J said as Fiona snatched the board from her hands.

"HE KILLED…he killed my brother Holly J. I thought you were my best friend. You should be supporting me." Fiona calmed herself as she spoke and everyone looked at them.

"I love you Fiona and I loved Declan more than anything but this isn't what he would have wanted." Holly J seemed so sad when she said it but Fiona held her ice cold glare.

"Well it seems over 700 of the students already agree he needs to go so I guess there isn't much you can do." She flipped through some of the pages and Holly J shook her head. I walked closer catch Fiona's eyes and I didn't think it was possible for her to glare harder but she did as I approached and signed my name to the top of the list on the table, tossing the pen back on top of it and walking away.

"If you know you don't belong here then why the hell don't you just leave already!" Fiona shouted at me and I stopped walking, turning to her slowly.

"I've got no place else to go." I hesitantly made eye contact with her.

"Then do us all a favor and kill yourself. If my brother didn't get a chance to live out his life then you shouldn't either." Fiona walked right up to me and stared me down watching my head fall.

"FIONA!" Holly J shrieked and I put my hand up to stop her before lifting my head and leaning closer to Fiona so only she could hear me.

"Be patient, you may get your wish soon enough." Our eyes met again and for the first time I saw a bit of confusion in them as I walked away.

The table remained for most of the day sitting in the front lobby making sure to catch everyone as they entered and exited the building. Dr. Nichols had canceled on me today but I didn't mind. I didn't really want to share today anyway but I was dreading having to return to the closet. I had been wearing the same jump suit I had at home for the whole week until Cece finally said I needed to retrieve the other ones from the closet so she wasn't washing the same one every night. I had been standing staring at the door for about 20 minutes when I heard two girls arguing.

"What's the matter Clare Bear? Why don't you want to sign?" I recognized Jenna's voice and her disgusting pet named for Clare.

"This whole petition is what's the matter. Can't you guys just leave him alone? He's going through hell without the power squad's ignorance." Clare said with disgust making me peek around the corner at them.

"The guys a psychopath Clare. I know you like dated him or whatever but he doesn't belong here. He's dangerous." Jenna had put her hand over her growing stomach and I could hear Clare click her tongue against her teeth.

"Well you guys are a walking punch line with your stupid petition and colorful signs. You're all one big joke." Clare sounded disgusted as she turned to walk away.

"You dated him, I think that makes you the joke." Jenna said crossing her arms over her chest.

"You know what? You're pathetic. This whole thing is pathetic and I hope all of you realize how stupid you look standing out here trying to get someone expelled." Clare started to walk away and I sighed watching her go.

"Looks like someone misses getting laid by the school's biggest reject." Marisol whispered to Jenna making her laugh but she clearly didn't whisper well enough to keep it between herself and Jenna because Clare turned around and eyed her.

"What did you just say?" Clare stomped back to the table and before I could even register what was going on she punched Marisol in the face sending her back into Jenna.

"OH MY GOD!" Jenna screamed as Marisol began to cry gripping her bloody nose. Clare started to tear apart the petition table, sweeping all of the papers and clipboards to the floor and ripping the papers in half. Jenna started yelling for help and that seemed to make Clare even more upset as she flipped the table over.

I decided I needed to step in or else Clare was going to get herself in more trouble and knowing her do something she's going to regret, more so then trashing a petition table and punching a girl. I tried to get her attention but it was though something inside her had snapped as she kicked at the table. I heard the sound of walkie talkie's ascending in the hallway and knew I needed to make a quick exit as I wrapped my arms around her waist and started carrying her out the front doors with her kicking and huffing still until I got her far enough away from the school.

"Clare...CLARE, calm down. It's okay." I said as she started to kick her legs back at me now.

"NO IT'S NOT! THIS IS NEVER GOING TO STOP! THEY ARE GOING TO KEEP UP MAKING YOU OUT TO BE SOME HORRID PERSON AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW YOU!" Clare shouted as I put her down.

"Clare...I kil-" I started to explain and she whipped around to look at me.

"I KNOW THAT BUT THAT DOESNT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE! I KNOW YOU. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE SWEET AND FUNNY AND HAVE A REALLY BIG HEART AND YOU PROTECT THOSE YOU LOVE WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE." Clare kept ranting out loud as she paced back and forth and I watched as she fought angry tears.

"I CAN'T KEEP WATCHING YOU FALL APART EVERYDAY AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT! WHETHER WE ARE BROKEN UP, FRIENDS, NOTHING AT ALL, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT." Her voice broke and frowned as she gripped her hand.

"Now…now my hand hurts, I'll probably get in huge trouble and I made a complete fool of myself." Clare plopped down on the picnic table and looked down at her feet as I made my way to the seat next to her.

"I think you put the fear of God into them Clare, I doubt they will report you and who cares what they think? You didn't make a fool of yourself and even if you did I doubt they would tell you." I tried to make light of the situation and she wiped a single tear off her face.

"I wasn't talking about them." She looked over at me and I knew what she meant. I gave a small smile before looking down at her swollen fingers which were normally so petite. I reached over and took her hand into mine watching her wince.

"Does it hurt a lot?" I asked scrunching my face as she bit her lip.

"Honestly? Like hell." She said and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Let's go get you some ice." I stood up and out of habit extended my hand for her to hold but before I could play it off she took it and squeezed. I led her back door of the cafeteria before digging in my pocket.

"What are we doing here?" Clare asked still holding my hand. I finally found the keys and shook them.

"I am the school's most hated janitor. Did you think they wouldn't give me the keys?" I asked with a laugh but she frowned. I pushed the door open and pulled her into the kitchen gesturing for her to take a seat but she merely stood near the metal table across from the freezer. I grabbed a zip lock bag and filled it with ice but as I turned around I felt a hand on my elbow.

"Eli…you're bleeding." Clare said tugging at the white, long sleeve shirt I wore under my uniform to cover my mangled arms. My cutting was getting worse and even as the weather started to get nicer I still had to wear these shirts.

"I must have hit it on the door as we were leaving. It's fine." I shrugged my arm lightly to get her to release it and she gave me a saddened look as I lead her back over to the table and pulled the stool from under it for her to sit down. I took a seat in front of her and took her hand in mine before setting the bag lightly on it.

"Ah." She scrunched her face until it sat completely down on her hand. We sat in silence for a few moments before I caught Clare staring at me.

"Sorry…I just…I didn't think you would ever talk to me again after what happened last week. I felt terrible." Clare bit her lip again and I let my head drop a bit. I didn't want to tell her about the voices in my head because I know that she would tell me I was crazy and while I knew I was, hearing _her_ say it would kill me.

"I'm sorry about that…I've got a really bad claustrophobia and I sort of panicked. It wasn't your fault." I said still looking at my healing scabs on my knuckles from where I was banging on the door.

"No I should have been there. I made a promise and I broke it so I'm sorry…it seems like I break all my promises to you." Clare shook her head and I finally brought my eyes to her.

"Clare, where is all this coming from? Why are you doing this to yourself?" I asked not sure where the sudden self-loathing was coming from.

"I come to school every day and watch you sit alone, work alone, eat alone and you've gotten so used to people being horrible to you that it's like you just turn everything off but I know you. I know what's in here and I know it's hurting you." Clare put her hand on my chest and I felt a bit weak.

"It's easier that way…to be alone. I can't hurt anyone if I'm alone." I said honestly as Clare shifted closer to me.

"You're hurting yourself." My eyes shot up to her thinking that she had figured me out but the way she gazed at me I realized I was still in the clear.

"I'm a big boy Clare. I can take it. The only thing I seem to be having problems with is going back into the janitor's closet. Pathetic, huh?" I chuckled and Clare shifted a bit.

"Actually…I talked to Simpson about that." Clare said nervously and I sighed.

"What do you mean? I don't need him caring anymore or else I'm going to be hung on the flag pole or something." I said with sarcasm. I knew Simpson meant well but him helping only made things worse. Clare got off of the stool and nodded her head in the direction out of the cafeteria. I got off my stool and followed her into the hallway as she led me towards the theater. She walked be behind the curtain to the room marked Prop Storage.

"What are we doing back here?" I asked looking around as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a key to open the door.

"I know how much you hate that small closet so I asked Simpson if I could use the storage closet." Clare opened the door and the room was much bigger and even had a door in the back and a window making the room much brighter.

"Here's the key, the back door leads to the dumpsters so you can just toss any garbage you've collected in there when you leave and I already moved everything out of the closet and put it in here." Clare pulled my jumpsuits from behind the door and showed them to me.

"I also kind of took them home and washed them. I hope you don't mind." Clare frowned a bit and without thinking I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. Clare blushed and I stepped away with wide eyes.

"I'm…sorry. I just…thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me." I said nervously and she smiled.

"I also left your sign in sheet here…so you won't have to worry about me bothering you anymore." Clare pulled the clipboard off the wall and handed it to me.

"Oh…sorry I'm kind of a pain." I frowned. I loved having those moments with her more than she could ever comprehend but I guess they had become too much for her.

"You aren't, I just don't want to be one to you." Clare looked down at her feet and I shifted on my feet a bit.

"Actually, I really enjoy spending time with you…like this." I said tensely not knowing how she would react and she blushed a bit.

"So does this mean we can be friends?" Clare asked hopeful. I didn't have the heart to tell her no at this point. She had done so much for me since all of this happened. I didn't want her to think I was ungrateful or hated her but I knew being friends with her wasn't going to be easy.

"Sure but let's take this kind of slow, okay? I don't want to ruin a friendship too." I said honorably and Clare smiled.

"You worry too much." She chuckled and I couldn't help but return the smile.

"CLARE EDWARDS TO THE OFFICE PLEASE. CLARE EDWARDS TO THE OFFICE." Simpson's voice came over the intercom and made us both laugh. It felt like the first time in a long time that I'd laughed with Clare.

"Looks like it's time for me to face the music." Clare said rolling her eyes.

"Looks that way. I'm sure they'll go easy on you. You are a first time offender with freak outs." I joked and she hit my arm which just so happened to be sporting a fresh cut as of last night. I bit my lip to fight the noise I wanted to let out and she turned to the door.

"See you tomorrow?" She said with one last glance. I nodded and gave her a smile before watching her walk out leaving me to start my hours for today.

(**CLARE'S P.O.V**)

I had explained my outburst to Simpson but that didn't stop him from giving me a week of detention. I didn't mind though. Eli finally started letting me in and I wanted him to trust me again. The truth is, I missed him. I missed having him make fun of me and tease me about my grades. I miss having him talk to me about my parents and giving me new music to listen to. I miss just being around him and feeling…complete. I slipped into my new uniform for the next week and stopped in the front office to let Simpson know I was reporting for detention where he gave me my assignment. I had texted Eli telling him I wouldn't be able to check him in this week but he never responded so I didn't bother texting to explain. I finally got around to the back of the school where the smokers usually went to break rules and vandalism the wall and found Eli with his headphones on. I smiled as I approached him until I noticed the cigarette hanging from his lips. I walked up to him and his eyes became wide as I snatched it from his lips and gave him a dirty look.

"These will kill you. Don't make me tell your mother!" I said sternly putting it out. He looked me up and down before pulling his headphones off and smirking.

"Nice jumpsuit." He said with a laugh. I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned.

"Stop trying to be cute. Smoking is bad for you Eli." I explained and he rolled his eyes.

"Yes mom I know. It helps me breathe sometimes." Eli said making me laugh.

"Helps you breathe in chemicals that turn your lungs black. You really should stop before you become dependent on them. Promise me you'll stop." I pushed his arm and he winced strangely.

"Okay! Damn." He laughed and I frowned.

"Don't stand there and pout. Pick up a brush and help you delinquent." Eli joked and something between seemed to get lighter since yesterday. We spent the rest of the day talking about random things but found ourselves drifting away from things like his therapy sessions, how he felt with all the bullying, my home issues and things of that nature.

"Yeah Bullfrog tried to pull a fast one on Cece but she was pretty unamused and made him sleep on the couch." Eli said with a laugh. I laughed with him and glanced over at him.

"I've missed hearing you laugh. It's about time." I said getting him to look over at me.

"Yeah well, it's your fault." He smirked at me just as my phone beeped. Oddly enough, his beeped at the same time.

"Must be my mom. She's the only one who checks on me more than you do." Eli said as I looked at my phone. Someone had sent a mass email out with a single link. I clicked on the link and almost dropped my phone when the page appeared. It was a hatesite with Eli's face all over it.

"Email. Don't get those often." Eli's voice pulled me from my phone and I quickly ran over and smacked his phone out of his hands and into the bucket of paint.

"CLARE! What the hell was that for?" He asked in shock as his phone sank beneath the paint.

"I um…I've got to check something. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." I ran for the office as fast as I could to grab Simpson and made him go to the computer lab with me pulling up the site for him to look at.

"This is unbelievable." Simpson said disgusted.

"We have to do something about this before he sees it. He's actually making progress and this will totally-" Before I could finish a voice startled me.

"Upset me?" Simpson and I both looked at Eli standing in the door with a frown on his face as he looked at the screen where the website was displayed. He backed out of the room and I jumped up to go after him.

"Eli, wait!" I yelled running after him.

"Clare, its fine. I'll be fine." He said with his back to me as he walked out of the front doors towards his house.

"Please just stop for a minute." I caught him by the arm and he yelped dropping his pack of cigarettes on the ground. He looked down at his feet and rubbed his arm. I sighed and picked them up placing them back in the pack before closing it.

"Clare, I know you don't want everyone to hate me and make me feel unwelcome but face it, no one wants me here. It's not going to change and you can't just make people like me. I'm okay with that as long as I've got my parents and Adam…and you." Eli said fading off as he mentioned me. I handed him his pack back.

"I just don't want you going anywhere anytime soon. I feel like I just got you back and…and to hell with what these people think." I said forcefully making him smile.

"See, I want to see more of those." I brushed my hand up on his cheek and felt a blush creep up on it.

"I'll try and quit smoking…but just for you." He said handing me the box back. I returned the smile he had and took them shoving them into my pocket.

"And I'm going to get this website taken care of." I said proudly making him shake his head.

"Clare, it's really no big deal. Just let it go." Eli said as we started walking in the direction of my house.

"No, I will not! If I can't punch them or rip up the petitions then the least I can do is find these website people and get them to shut it down. I'm not going to let them slander you Eli." The idea itself drove me crazy. A place for people to talk horribly about him and they didn't even know him.

"It's not slander if it's true. You should see what they write about me on the bathroom walls." Eli shoved his hands into his pockets and I frowned.

"I have and…I even tried to fight back once there too." I admitted making him turn his attention to me.

"What did you write?" He asked.

"Well someone put that you were an unattractive freak…so I might have put the opposite of that." I was hoping he would leave it at that but I knew he wouldn't as he put his hand on my arm to stop me just before rounding the corner to my house.

"Spit it out, Edwards." He asked again and I put my hands on my face.

"I said you were the sexiest boy to walk the halls." It came out mumbled but I knew he could hear me as he started to chuckle.

"My, my, my Clare. Defacing school property. I must say I'm impressed and flattered." Eli started walking again and I brought my hands off my face.

"Well you know you aren't a freak. You're different but that doesn't make you a freak." I said as we reached my front steps.

"So…you think I'm the sexist guy at Degrassi?" Eli said in a teasing manner and I hit his chest earning another scrunched face.

"Are you okay?" I put my hand on his chest and he grabbed it.

"Ye-yeah. I'm fine. Still sore from the accident. Don't worry about it." He brushed my hand away and I gave a small smile. A silence fell between us as we stood awkwardly on my front porch.

"So your birthday's next week. Are you excited?" He asked pulling my smile back.

"You remembered?" I said in disbelief.

"Of course I remembered…I remember all of the important things. Your birthday, your favorite things and what I promised you I would get you." The thought came back to mind and I looked at Eli.

"You better not! You will get in trouble and that's the last thing you need." I joked and he smiled.

"I promised you I'd dress up and I will but I also remember something you told me before…before we started dating that you wanted so you'll just have to wait and see what it is." Eli cocked his eyebrows at me and I bit my lip.

"I'll see you tomorrow okay?" I rubbed his arm and he laughed.

"Tomorrow." He repeated before backing down the sidewalk. I was just about to go in my house when I turned back to look at him.

"Hey Eli." I caught his attention and he looked at me.

"You're worth the trouble." I said smiling at him. He returned it before shaking his head and continuing his walk home. I shut the door behind me and sighed. My next mission was to find the owner of this website and have them shut it down. I was a girl on a mission and I was determined to make sure nothing pushed Eli any further into the darkness of his mind.


	9. Too Much

**Sorry for the long wait guys. I'm back and I hope you enjoy this update. Thanks to those who have stuck with me. Read and review so I know you are still up for more updates.-J**

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Quitting smoking was a lot harder than I thought it would be. The next few days that Clare spent doing her detentions with me she kept trying to distract me by telling me about black lung and how my lungs would look if I kept it up which helped but let's face it, nicotine has a stronger pull then showing someone pictures of a shriveled up lung. It was finally Friday and I found myself sitting in the library biting my nails and scribbling in my notebook to keep from sneaking up to the roof and smoking. I started to get so lost in my thoughts of trying NOT to smoke that I jumped when Clare sat down abruptly in front of me.

"So I got you something." She smiled brightly at me as she sat her purse down on the table.

"Presents? Aren't you the one with the birthday this weekend?" I laughed as she dug through her bag.

"That doesn't mean I can't give gifts." She stuck her tongue out as she glanced around as if she were checking her surroundings. She made gesture with her eyes and I pulled something from her bag only to pull it under the table.

"Clare Edwards, first fighting and now you are bringing contraband to school? What has society done to you?" I teased and she kicked me. I laughed as I reached under the table and took the grocery bag from her hand, brushing her soft skin for a mere moment before putting the bag in my lap.

"It's to help you fight the cravings." Clare said folding her hands on the table as I glanced into the bag.

"What is this a survival kit for people who try to quit smoking?" I asked and she frowned.

"I know it's not easy and I wanted to help. I'm proud that you're stopping so I want to make it as easy as possible for you." Clare said as I looked back into the bag. It had the patches, gum and a bag full of candy.

"What's the candy for?" I asked with a laugh.

"It's to distract you from the cravings when the others don't work. I hear it helps. I did some research." Clare said sitting up.

"Of course you did. Thank you. I really appreciate the help." I smiled and she returned it.

"No problem and on a more positive note, I think Simpson and I are closer to finding out who is behind the website. We've asked Wesley and Connor for some help so we should know soon enough." Clare said confidently. She had been making it her personal mission to get the website shut down since she found out. Just in the past week I find myself waking up happier and even cutting less because she's been spending so much time with me. I finally felt like being friends with her was possible and I started to open up to her more about my therapy sessions which she really enjoyed hearing about because I had been making so much progress. I finally believed her when she said she cared about me.

"What do you plan to do when you find this internet slanderer, if I may ask?" I asked smirking.

"I plan on giving them a piece of my mind." Clare said sternly making me snort.

"Oh no! The mindful wrath of Clare Edwards! I can feel the fearful tension building." I teased her and she narrowed her eyes.

"Hey! I can be scary. You have no idea." Clare said as if she was almost trying to convince herself.

"I know, I'm pretty sure Marisol's face mask is proof of that." Clare's punch had fractured Marisol's nose putting her in a not so elegant plastic face mask until it healed properly. Clare put her hands over her face and I could still see the discoloring on her knuckles from the blow.

"AH! You know I hate when you mention that. I still feel horrible that I actually hit someone." She screeched in a whispered tone making me chuckle as I pulled her hands lightly from her face.

"Hey you were defending yourself and me and I think that makes you very saintly, whether you had to use brute force or not." I said smiling and she pouted. She let her hands linger in mine as I ran my thumb over the bruises.

"Still hurt?" I asked and she nodded.

"Not really and it's a good thing too because Dad wants to take me bowling for my birthday." She rolled her eyes.

"That should be fun though. You like spending time with your dad." I said still holding her hand as she relaxed back in the chair.

"Yeah I'm just not looking forward to the birthday dinner with the both of them. My mom spent all week finding the perfect dress as if that's going to make my dad miss her. I swear they are completely ridiculous." Clare stared at our hands and I gave her a weak smile.

"Well are you going to be around for me to give you your gift?" She met my eyes and smiled.

"I'll make time." She stared at me for what seemed like the longest time before the bell startled us both and she pulled her hand from mine making me instantly miss the feeling.

"I've got to get to Bio but I'll see you after school okay?" Clare stood up throwing her purse over her shoulder as I started to gather my books. I nodded and she smiled as she left me to gather the remainder of my things. I realized I must have daydreamed too long because I started to rush when the first bell went off. I started to hurry to French when I ran into someone knocking my books and there's on the floor.

"Sor-" I stopped immediately when I saw who I had run into.

"Just the guy I was looking for." I glared at him as I picked up my books.

"I don't have time for your holyer than thou bullshit. Save it for Clare." I seethed as he picked up his own books.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." I looked at Fitz like he was stupid.

"I'm not talking to you about Clare." I said starting to turn away from him only to have him grab my arm. I yanked away from him quickly and he put his hands up.

"You need to leave her alone." Fitz's words made me laugh.

"Excuse me?" I said in disbelief.

"You know you're bad for her. You're only going to drag her down. Just leave her alone already." Fitz said looking down at me as I gritted my teeth.

"I'll leave her alone when you do." I spat turning away again.

"You know it's true. You are only making things harder for yourself. She's going to realize you'll always be the head case you've always been and bail." Fitz talked to my back as I walked.

"That's funny considering she's the one seeking me out to spend time with me but nice try." I threw my hand up as I continued to walk.

"Because she feels sorry for you." His words stopped me dead in my tracks.

"She tells me all the time how bad she feels for you with no friends and all these people harassing you." I turned around and glared.

"That's not true." I said clenching my teeth again.

"She told me that it's really sad because you've replaced social interaction by hiding behind your little notebook. You know it Eli. When you look into her eyes you know she pities you. Just give it up already…move on before you bring her down and bury her again." Fitz had started backing away from me and finally the late bell rang. I was planted to the spot where he left me and I suddenly felt like a complete jackass.

I was ready to rush back to the library to start writing it out but realized that would only further prove the point of Clare pitying me so instead I decided to go to the roof and smoke instead. The taste of the nicotine after the few days tasted like heaven but for some reason it didn't make the ache in my chest or the throb in my head go away. I stared at the cherry of my cigarette and started to get lost in the burning red of the paper as smoke rolled from it. I had almost finished it within 3 minutes when a thought popped into my head. I rolled up my sleeve a little and gazed at the scabs. It had been just a few days and it was as though the throb was coming from the voices in my head slowly coming to light telling me to feel pain. Without a second thought I put the cigarette out in my arm.

"AHH." I yelped and hissed as the fire burned my skin and the nicotine made it sting. I fought back tears as the door opened to the roof.

"Goldsworthy, what have I told you about…" I turned toward the voice and the moment Holly J's eyes caught site of what I was doing she froze. I dropped the cigarette and tried to walk quickly past her but she pushed on my shoulders to stop me.

"What did you do?" She asked gripping my arm.

"N-nothing. It's fine." I said trying to pull away but she pushed on the sleeve a bit too hard as she exposed the scabs all the way up my arm.

"Oh my God…Eli." She said staring wide eyed. I jerked my arm from her and pushed past her leaving her stunned by my scars on the rooftop. I went straight for the bathroom to run water on my arm and tried to breathe to keep myself from falling apart. I grabbed a paper towel and locked myself in the handicap stall, sliding down the wall and getting lost in my head. I skipped the rest of my classes in fear that I would run into Holly J in the hallway and have to explain what she saw or worse spot her talking it up with Ms. Sovay. I waited long enough before going to the theater room and putting on my jumpsuit to start my community service. I started painting over the graffiti that Clare and I had been working on all week and tried not to think about what Fitz said. I must have painted over the same spot for 20 minutes before the door to the gym opened and out walked Clare in her paint covered jumpsuit with a wide smile and her own brush.

"Hey you, I was going to meet you at your locker to give you the book I found about tricks to stop smoking." Clare held the book up and I didn't look at her.

"I don't want it. I'm not quitting." I continued to paint and she gazed at me.

"What's wrong?" She asked sounding genuinely concerned only making me angrier.

"It doesn't matter." I went to put my headphone on and she pushed them down making me shift to face her.

"Um it matters to me. What's wrong? Did someone do something to you?" Clare asked trying to get me to look her in the eyes.

"Just leave me alone Clare. I'm not your problem." I started to walk away from her and she gripped my arm making me whimper. She noticed immediately and let go of my arm. She gazed at me concerned as I held my arm afraid she would do what Holly J did and reveal my scars.

"Show me…please." She said in almost a whisper but I shook my head.

"I'm not giving you another reason to pity me." I kept my eyes focused on the ground and she gripped my chin.

"Hey, where did you get the idea that I pity you? I've never once said I pitied you." Clare said sternly trying to get me to look at her but I still couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Eli, look at me." She moved her hand from my chin to the side of my face and I hesitantly looked at her.

"All the things you've been through, all the pain and suffering you go through every day whether it be at the hands of all these stupid people or yourself doesn't make me pity you. It makes me realize how incredibly strong you are and admire that." I looked into Clare's eyes and I saw no sign of pity as she smiled trying to reassure me. She leaned forward and kissed the side of my mouth as if she couldn't decide whether she wanted to kiss my lips or my cheek before pulling back and smiling at me fully this time.

"I care about you…that doesn't mean I pity you." She said giving me a light smile from the corner of her mouth. I knew it was because I was blushing. It only took me a moment to remember what I had done earlier and I frowned.

"No! I almost got the smile. What's wrong now?" She asked with a disappointed laugh.

"I was feeling overwhelmed earlier and…I had a cigarette." I confessed knowing she would be even more disappointed but she just sighed.

"Well then you are in luck that I was awesome enough to give you this book with lots of little encouraging notes from me." Clare smirked and I looked at the book before taking it from her. I bit my lip before looking at her again.

"If you don't pity me then why the hell do you hang out with me?" I ask honestly wanting to know.

"What can I say? It must be the smirk." She smiled at me and I couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm sure that's it." I joked tucking the book in my pocket and going to pick up the paint brush again but Clare stopped me.

"What happened to your arm?" She asked and I started to panic.

"It's nothing don't worry." I tried to continue on but she stopped me again.

"Please…" She pouted at me and I let out a breath.

"It's my own fault. I dropped the cigarette on my arm and burned myself. It's really not a big deal." I rubbed at my arm and Clare frowned.

"That could get infected, Eli. Please let me look at it." She took my hand and I felt like I just couldn't tell her no. I slowly and carefully pulled up the arm of my jumpsuit making sure not to reveal more than I wanted and she instantly clicked her tongue to her teeth at the sight. She ran her fingers around it where the skin was just red and I bit my lip before she started digging into the oversized pockets of her jumpsuit and pulling out ointment and a band aid.

"You would carry first aid in your pockets." I teased and she faked a laugh as she lightly applied the ointment looking up at me quickly when I hissed.

"Sorry, sorry." She unwrapped the band aid and I chuckled through the pain.

"Hello Kitty? Really?" I asked as the pink band aid had a giant cat on it burned my eyes.

"Can you ever not complain?" Clare asked while putting the bandage over the wound and putting the trash in her pocket.

"Better?" She asked and I glanced at her.

"Still hurts but it was a good effort." I went to move and she stared down at the bandage and for a moment I thought maybe she had seen one of my scars. She leaned down and placed her lips on the bandage as if kissing it would make it go away and for a moment I actually thought it would. I almost got lost in the feeling of her lips on my skin and she pulled away yet again teasing me with her lips.

"Better now?" She asked again this time a little more hopeful as I tried to catch my breath.

"Much." I smiled and she returned it.

**(Clare's P.O.V)**

Eli walked me home after my last day of detention and texted me all night. He was even the first to tell me happy birthday this morning and I can honestly say that I was happy about it. The time I spent with him this week made me so happy. It was nice to see him smiling again and I genuinely enjoyed talking to him about the most random things. I missed him. It was like he had suddenly gone back to the boy I had once loved and in a way that sort of scared me.

"Earth to Clare." Alli snapped her fingers in front of my face and I pulled myself from my thoughts.

"Sorry what were you saying?" I asked and she shook her head.

"Please tell me you aren't falling for him again." I had briefly mentioned having lingering feelings for Eli to Alli but she thought it was a bad idea. It wasn't that she didn't like Eli it was more of the fact that she knew how truly caught up in him I was.

"Can we please not get back into this?" I sighed and she rolled her eyes.

"Come on Clare. We've been over this a million times. You are better off without him. You need to start realizing that." Alli sounded like a broken record as I got up from my bed.

"I can't help the way I feel Alli. He's the only boy I've ever…I've ever loved. That just doesn't go away overnight." I explained looking at my dress in the mirror. I had spent all day getting pampered at the spa, getting my nails done and it was relaxing but I just couldn't get him off my mind. My mind always wandered to what we might be doing to celebrate my birthday if we were still together. He was always so good at planning things but I have to settle for him dropping off a gift at some point.

"But just think of all the things that happened before you broke up with him. The clinginess, the fighting, the crashing the car and killing Declan." Alli meant well but I just didn't want to hear it anymore.

"Can we please stop talking about this?" I begged and she frowned before hugging me.

"I'm sorry. I just worry about you. You're my best friend. I don't want to see you get hurt." Alli said and I gave her a smile.

"I know and I love you for that. Help me finish my hair for tonight?" I asked with a smile hoping she would change the subject and pick the mood back up.

"Of course!" Alli laughed and I felt the mood instantly lighten.

We spent the next hour doing my hair and makeup when mom finally knocked on the door.

"Hey Clare bear, oh well don't you look just lovely." She smiled at me and I did a little twirl.

"Your father is here. Alli will you be joining us?" Mom asked.

"Oh I wish. My own mom is expecting me home for some much needed house cleaning. Have a great birthday dinner, Clare!" Alli hugged me before picking up her purse and heading out of the room.

I sat down at my desk and looked in the mirror as my mom walked over behind me and smiled.

"Are you having a good birthday so far?" She asked playing with some of my curls.

"Yes everything has been great. Thanks mom." I smiled but she saw right through it.

"What's on your mind Clare?" She sat down on my bed and I turned to her.

"I know I shouldn't but…I can't help but think about what I'd be doing if Eli and I were still together. No matter how much fun I have my mind always goes right back to him and I know it's stupid and I know I'm being silly but I can't help it." I frowned and instead of sighing like she always did when I mentioned Eli she took my hand into hers.

"You can't spend your youth thinking about what if's Clare. I'm sure if you were still together he would have planned something very lovely but don't let that stop you from having an amazing birthday in the life you ARE living." She smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Thanks mom." I hugged her and she laughed.

"Aw it's what I'm here for." She said into my hair as the doorbell rang.

"That must be your father. Let's hope he is dressed nicely." Mom rolled her eyes and I stopped her.

"No fighting tonight okay?" Mom sighed this time and smiled.

"Of course not. Not on your birthday." She kissed my forehead as I followed her down the steps. Dad used his key and came through the door.

"You look very nice Helen." He said before I even got down the steps to see him.

"Well thank you Randall. You look nice yourself." She returned the compliment and I felt like I could actually breathe for once around them. I caught sight of my dad as I got down the steps and he smiled.

"Oh Clarebear you look just wonderful." I walked up and hugged him as he kissed the top of my head.

"Thanks Dad." I let the hug go a little longer than normal before he pulled away.

"Oh and I brought a friend to go to dinner with us. I think you'll be very excited." My hopes rose as he gestured to the door just as Fitz stepped in with a bouquet of yellow roses. I don't know why I expected Eli but I tried to hide my disappointment.

"Happy birthday Clare." He smiled at me handing me the flowers. He wore dress pants and gray button up shirt with a black tie. He looked nice like he had on Vegas Night but I tried not to remember that night.

"Thank you Fitz. They are beautiful." I smelled the flowers and he tucked his hands in his pockets.

"Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl." He looked me up and down and I blushed.

"Aren't you sweet, Mark. Well we better get going." Mom spoke up and I bit my lip as Fitz extended his arm for me to take as if he were my escort. I took it with a laugh and followed my mom out of the house to dad's car.

"I hope this is okay. Your dad ran into me at The Dot and asked me to be your date." Fitz whispered as we got into the backseat.

"It's fine. I'm glad to have some company. Maybe they won't argue now." I said hopeful and he smiled.

"You really do look beautiful Clare." Fitz said making me blush even more.

"You look really nice too. I always said you cleaned up nicely." I nudged his shoulder and my dad cleared his throat.

"Keep it PG back there." He joked and I knew I was completely beet red now.

"Dad!" I said irritated and Fitz laughed.

The drive was nice with casual conversation and once we got to the restaurant we had all pretty much relaxed with one another. Fitz had gotten along with my parents since he joined our church. He helped my dad move into his apartment and even helped my mom with a few things that my dad normally did around the house when he was away. It was nice having him around even though I still didn't feel completely happy. I enjoyed Fitz's company and he was a great friend but I always had that lingering feeling that something just wasn't right.

"So Mark, how are you doing in school? Keeping your grades up?" Dad asked him.

"Trying to. I wouldn't flunk out if it weren't for Clare. She pretty much tutors me in everything." He said glancing over at me as I took another bite of my spaghetti.

"That's not true. You are doing great in your other classes, you just need some extra help with English….and math…and a little bio." I joked and they all laughed.

"Well I'm very grateful for all the help. You truly have a wonderful daughter." Fitz said blushing a little only making me blush.

"I can't argue with that. Clare is quite a girl." Dad put his hand on top of mine and I smiled. I felt my phone vibrate in my purse and I reached for it with my free hand.

**ELI**: _Hey I'm sorry I can't wait any longer. I need to give you your gift before I spend all day staring at the wall._

I chuckled to myself and my dad released my hand.

"Everything okay Clare?" Mom asked and I looked up at her.

"Yeah, will you excuse me for a moment? Just more birthday wishes." I got up and let my napkin rest on the table before taking my phone outside. I texted Eli back.

**CLARE**: _I'm at my birthday dinner right now but I can't call you when I get home. I'm sure you can occupy yourself until then. :P_

It only took a few seconds before he responded.

**ELI**: _It won't take long. I promise. I just want to see a smile on your gorgeous face. J_

I smiled and blushed even though it was a text but jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." It was Fitz.

"It's okay. I was spacing out. What are you doing out here?" I asked as he pulled a box out of his pocket and held it out.

"I wanted to give you your present but not in front of your parents." Fitz looked nervous as I stared down at the velvet box in his hand.

"You aren't proposing are you?" I joked and he laughed nervously.

"No but I picked them out special just for you." The gaze he held on me was like he was staring into my soul. I took the box from him and hesitantly opened it to reveal the most beautiful pair of sapphire earrings I had ever seen.

"Oh my God…Fitz…they're stunning." I let my fingers graze them.

"They reminded me of your eyes and I knew I had to get them for you." I couldn't take my eyes off of them they were so beautiful.

"Fitz…I can't accept these. They must have cost you a fortune." I looked up at him and he smirked as he reached for my earrings that I already had in and removed them carefully.

"You are worth it." He took the earrings from the box and put them in before tossing my other ones in the empty box.

"Perfect." He smiled. I couldn't help but smile at him.

"Thank you so much Fitz." I reached up and kissed his cheek but for some reason when I pulled away I lingered a moment. He turned his head just slightly and I felt him take a breath against my lips before his own met mine. I was frozen for a moment as his lips moved over mine but when his hand fell to my lower back my hands went to the side of his face out of instinct. I hadn't been kissed by a lot of boys but after dating Eli I was a bit more advanced then I was when I dated K.C. By the time we decided to pull apart we were both breathless. I opened my eyes slowly and could hear him panting a bit.

"Wow…that was…" Fitz started to speak and I blushed.

"New?" I said awkwardly making him smile.

"Bad new?" He asked and I bit my lip.

"No necessarily." I wasn't sure what to say.

"I'll take what I can get then." Fitz joked making my laugh and I looked away from him casually but what my eyes fell on made my heart stop. I watched his eyes twitch slightly looking as though he was fighting tears that begged to brink the rims as he clenched his jaw tightly.

"Eli…" I whispered watching him turn and start to walk away. I went to go after him but Fitz's hand on my arm stopped me.

"You don't always have to help him Clare. Just let him go." Fitz said and I yanked my arm from him to run after Eli. I watched Eli slam whatever was wrapped in his hands into a trash can along with pink and white roses.

"Eli, please wait!" I yelled as he rounded the corner near The Dot.

"Please let me explain." I finally caught up with him and stop him as he entered the alley behind it. When he spun around I actually was frightened for a moment.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He screamed at me and I let go of his arm as he turned toward the brick wall.

"He was right. I can't believe this. He was fucking right." He started talking to himself and I became confused.

"What are you talking about? Who was right?" I asked watching him pace. He didn't even acknowledge me for a few moments before he looked at me.

"How could? With him? Of all the people in the world it had to be him!" Eli threw his arms out as he started to yell at me.

"I didn't plan it Eli but if you just let me explain-" He slammed his hands down on the dumpster and I jumped.

"Explain what? Please explain to me how making out with Fitz was an accident. That I really am crazy and I was just seeing things. That you tripped and he caught you from near death with his lips! EXPLAIN HOW YOU WERENT JUST MAKING OUT WITH THE ENEMY!" The vein in his neck was popping out and I backed away from him but refused to stand my ground.

"He's YOUR enemy Eli! Yours! Fitz has changed. You don't know him anymore. He's a good person and the only reason he was with us was because my dad wanted me to have an escort on my birthday. I didn't plan this. It just happened. It was just a kiss." I raised my voice but didn't yell at him as he raked his hands through his hair.

"Tell me it meant nothing then. Tell me that you didn't like it and that you were repulsed by it. Tell me that Fitz threw himself at you." Eli said and I shook my head.

"I…I can't tell you any of those things. I'm sorry. But it doesn't me-" He cut me off again with a laugh.

"It doesn't mean you love him? You just go around making out with guys now Clare? I must not know you at all anymore. Tell me are you going to sleep with him too because just because you are too stupid to see his saint act is bullshit doesn't mean he won't try to get in your pants. What are you going to do then huh? Just throw your morals away and open your legs-" I cut Eli off but not with words. I don't know what came over me but I brought my hand across his face, smacking him and cringing at the mere sound and sting of my palm hitting his skin. Eli and I had argued a few times but I never put my hands on him like that ever.

"I…I'm sorry, I didn't mean." I started to say and reached up to touch the red hand print but he pushed my hand away. He turned away from me and gripped his face in silence. I didn't know what to say to make up for hitting him but when he sniffled I realized I had brought him to tears and I felt like I might just die right then and there.

"Me….me and you are done. As anything. Friends or otherwise." He said in a scratchy voice as his throat started to choke up on him. I felt tears roll down my cheek and I stepped towards him.

"Eli, please. I'm sorry." I practically begged through tears. He looked at me and his face started to break.

"I didn't think it was possible for you to break my heart any more than that night…but it wouldn't be you if it wasn't above and beyond." He let out a choked sob and I gripped his hands.

"Don't do this we can talk about this." I tried everything but he took in a deep breath and pulled his hands out of my grip.

"No he was right. I need to let you go..." He turned away from me and started walking and as much as I to run after him but I was too heartbroken. His eyes, his words…everything hurt. I dropped to my knees harshly breaking the skin as I cried in the back alley. I don't know how long I sat out there but when I heard feet running towards me for the first time I didn't expect them to be Eli's.

"CLARE! ARE YOU OKAY!" Fitz fell to his knees and picked my chin up but I pulled away.

"What happened? Did he hurt you?" Fitz asked frantically and I shook my head.

"No…I hurt him." I whispered as Fitz started to help me up. He cupped my face and I just pulled away again.

"Where are my parents?" I asked hoping they weren't a few paces behind him.

"I told them I'd bring you home." Fitz said in a panic like it was a minor detail that didn't matter.

"Please…please just take me to the dot so I can clean myself up." I asked and he nodded before helping me inside. People stared as I walked back to the bathroom alone and looked at myself in the mirror. My makeup was all over my face from crying and I had blood and dirt on my dress from my scrapped knee. I started to wash the blood away and felt the sting but it was a relief to the pain I felt in my chest from seeing Eli's face. I'd completely ruined everything because of one stupid kiss with Fitz. I threw the paper towel in the trash and instantly remember the gift he had thrown away. I rushed back out of the bathroom and past Fitz to the trash cans down the street and pulled both the flowers and the wrapped box from the top and cling to them as Fitz caught up with me.

"What are you doing?" He asked out of breath.

"I just want to go home." I said not even looking at him. He sighed.

"Fine. I'll call a cab." Fitz was obviously frustrated with me as I held the things close to myself and waited for the cab. He rode home with me but I stopped him as he started getting out of the cab.

"Thank you for everything but…I just need to be alone right now." I said and he nodded. He went to kiss me and I turned my head making sure he would catch my cheek.

"Happy Birthday Clare." Fitz said before getting back in the cab. I walked inside and laid the things on my bed. I decided that I needed a shower to get the rest of the dirt and blood and by now tears off of my skin before I opened the gift that lie on my bed. I put on comfortable clothes before walking out and sitting on my bed to stare at the gift. I stared like if I were to touch it it might fall apart or something. Just the silly wrap job on it made me want to cry. You could tell her wrapped it himself. I pulled it closer and started to slowly pick at the paper seeing my hands were now shaking. When I got my first glance at it I took a heavy breath hoping it wasn't what I thought it would be but to my dismay it was and I instantly flashed back to that moment we had talked about the gift that lay before me.

_It was the first day of spring and Morty was parked in one of the many urban adventure locations with the back door open as Eli and Clare sat working on their English assignments. Eli had his headphones on and Clare had her headphones plugged into the little boom box Eli kept in the back for when he worked on Morty but suddenly Clare got out of Morty and stretched as she hummed to herself. Eli took in her beauty as she sways on her feet and the sunlight bounced off of her face giving it an angel like hue. He pulled his headphones off and listened to the song that played on the radio. Clare loved classical music but the song that played was so soft and beautiful even Eli felt like it was made just for her._

"_I love this song." Clare said with her eyes closed as she danced around like a ballerina._

"_It's beautiful…just like the girl dancing to it." Eli said smiling at her. She opened her eyes with a smile and continued to dance._

"_When I was little I wanted to be a ballerina. I wanted to dance around in a beautiful outfit to one of the most beautifully written musical pieces on stage in front of the whole world. I wanted the world to have one moment where they would watch me dance and make something beautiful out of something so ordinary." Clare looked at Eli and he was taken aback by her beauty as the wind pulled the hair away from her face and the flowery dress she wore spun around with her. _

"_Now that you are all grown up what do you want to be?" Eli asked curiously and Clare continued to sway._

"_I don't know. I want to be a lot of things. Maybe after I travel the world I'll figure out what exactly I want to be." She said dreamily._

"_Traveling the world? Since when are you traveling the world?" Eli asked with a laugh._

"_When I was 10, the minister at my church said this woman was dying of terminal cancer but all she dreamed of doing was to visit churches in the most beautiful parts of the world and take something home with her to die with pieces of God and the world she was going to miss." Clare explained walking closer to Eli._

"_What did she take home?" He asked sitting up._

"_Stained glass. Some of the most beautiful stained glass from churches all over the world. I'd like to do that too and make something out of it. Something beautiful so I can look at each day and remind myself of the beauty that the world has to offer and be thankful to be alive." Clare had rested her hands on the tops of Eli's knees making him smile as he placed his hands on her hips. _

"_When I see you, I see the beauty this world has to offer and I'm grateful to be alive enough to love you." He smiled before she leaned down and met his lips. _

"_You always know what to say to make me feel special." Clare smiled as she kept her face close to Eli's. _

"_And you always know just how to make my heart skip a beat." Eli tucked some of her hair behind her ear before she wrapped her arms around his neck._

"_I love you." She sighed and Eli pulled away just to smile at her._

"_You sure?" He asked jokingly before she pulled on his neck to get their faces even closer._

"_I'm positive." Clare kissed Eli once more before he pulled her into his lap and hugged her tightly._

"_Maybe someday I'll give you little pieces of the world to remind you just how beautiful you make mine." Eli held Clare tightly._

I opened my eyes to pull myself from the day dream and it still hurt the same even though I wasnt staring at his face. The box was dark brown and glossy but the top and sides were covered in pieces of stained glass. There was a note attached to the top.

_My Dearest Clare,_

_I hope when you look at this box you see the beauty in the world. After some searching online I found places that could ship the glass. I know it's not the same but maybe one day we could take that trip together and you could make me something cool with the glass. Inside is the list of all the churches where the glass is from but also when you look inside I want you to always remember that just inside this box is not only the beauty in my world, but my whole world in itself. _

_Happy Birthday Clare. _

_Always,  
E_

His words broke my heart but as I opened the box that familiar tune of "River Flows in You" by Yiruma starts to play and I lose it. I burst into tears as I stare at the open box playing the beautiful song that I once danced to and stared at the mirror in the lid of the box. _I want you to always remember that just inside this box is not only the beauty in my world, but my whole world in itself. _That's what he meant. I gripped the box tightly and listened to the song play as I cried myself to sleep on my birthday knowing that I may have just lost the greatest love of my life.


	10. Last Resort

(**ADAM'S P.O.V**)

Thing's had been going pretty well with keeping Fiona tame and Eli had been making a lot of progress with Clare but come Monday he was completely cold. I tried talking to him about how his birthday gift went over with Clare and he shut his locker and walked away. Same thing with his free block when he struck off to the roof for his new smoking habit that I was really starting to hate but by lunch time I managed to finally pin him down outside eating and reading a book.

"So you want to tell me why you keep avoiding me?" I asked waiting for him to look up from his book.

"Who said I was?" He said nonchalantly as if I were some random stranger. I huffed and he finally let out a sigh before closing his book and squinting his eyes at me.

"You know, you remind me of Cece when you huff." He said being a smartass but I wasn't amused.

"What the hell has got you in such a shitty mood? All I did was ask about your gift." I said and he pressed his lips in a line as he took a drink from his water bottle.

"I trashed it." He said simply.

"What? Why would you do that? You've been working on that thing for months. You spent like-" I was in shock that he actually tossed something that he spent so much hard work and money on. Glass import from all those churches cost him at least 1100 dollars and when Bullfrog found out he was livid.

"It was stupid and pointless so I trashed it. Case closed." He got up from the table and walked past me as I stood dumbfounded for a few moments. I knew where he was heading now. He usually disappeared for his lunch time cigarette around this time so I quickly snapped out of it and followed him into the school.

"Tell me what happened? Did she not like it? Did she think it was too much?" I started to question and Eli started digging into his pockets.

"I never gave it to her." He pulled the door to the roof access open and I followed him up.

"Why not? Eli I'm sure she would have loved it." I added and he stopped as we hit the roof.

"Well I'm sorry, watching her make out with Fitz didn't really inspire me to give her a gift. My apologies." He said with an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips making my eyes wide.

"Whoa…what?" I felt like I stepped into another life. Clare making out with Fitz? That's not possible. Clare didn't like Fitz like that and when did Clare start "making out" with anyone. I watched Eli sigh when taking the cigarette out.

"I went to give her the gift and found her making out with Fitz on the sidewalk." I didn't believe him. I was still in shock.

"Are you sure? Maybe he threw himself at her?" I questioned and he laughed.

"She had her arms around his neck and let's just say she didn't look like she hated it." Watching Eli's face I knew he was having the visual in his head as he cringed looking heartbroken.

"I'm beyond shocked right now. It's just…so hard to believe." I scratched my head as he put the cigarette back into his mouth and started to light it.

"Ha that was shocking but I think her hitting me in the face was what shocked me more." He let out a laugh as a smoke cloud came from the cigarette.

"What? Why did she hit you?" I asked confused.

"She saw me and ran after me trying to explain but no matter what she said…I saw her Adam. I saw the way she looked when she kissed him. I saw the buildup. She didn't fight it. She welcomed it…it was…anyway I started freaking out and then she started freaking out and I questioned her morals and bam. Smack to the face." He waved his hand in the air reenacting the moment and I looked at his face.

"This whole thing is blowing my fucking mind right now." I rubbed at my eyes as he inhaled from his cancer stick.

"It's better this way. I'm over her. It's easier to move on this way." I looked at him and could tell he was bullshitting me.

"I'm sorry man." I said and he finally made eye contact with me. I could tell the contact was an understanding before he spoke.

"Don't be…unless you start making out with Fitz in which case I'll beat your ass." He said and I made a vomit noise.

"Dude I just ate. Could you please refrain from making me want to vomit everywhere?" I said making him chuckle. We sat in silence for a few moments.

"So…what are you going to do about Clare?" I asked and he just stared blankly out in front of him.

"Nothing. I'm not talking to her. I don't want to see her. I just can't be around her anymore. I'm taking myself out of the equation." He said it like it was so easy but I knew it would be hard for him.

"Well I'm here for you man if you need anything." I put my fist out and he smirked with his cigarette in his mouth before bumping my fist with his. The first bell rang and I looked at the door.

"I guess I'm going to be on time. Try not to skip today. We'll figure something out with English okay?" I said adjusting my backpack over my shoulder. He simply nodded as I left him on the rooftop. I walked to English to see Clare's back already in her chair but as I got closer I could hear her talking to herself.

"It's going to be okay. Just take deep breaths." I put my hand on her shoulder and she jumped and looked up.

"Are you okay?" I asked and she nodded.

"Just…just having an off day. I'm okay." She smiled but I knew she was trying to hold it together. I sat down in my desk next to hers as the late bell rang and Ms. Dawes came in.

"Hello hello all. I have a few announcements before we start working on you new assignments. First, I was very impressed with your poems. They were lovely. Second, with Mr. Goldsworthy's departure I was hoping that you, Adam, could be both Jenny and Clare's editor?" I looked up from my desk at Ms. Dawes before glancing at a confused Clare then back to Ms. Dawes.

"Eli's just running late. He'll be here." I said as she picked up a piece of paper.

"He transferred out this morning. He has English second block now." Ms. Dawes said and I now realize why Eli hadn't said anything when I mentioned English. That sneaky bastard.

"It will certainly be sad to see his chair empty right after lunch." Ms. Dawes said with a sad smile but before I could process Clare broke down into tears and run from the room. The class and Ms. Dawes looked after her but I got up quickly making eye contact with Ms. Dawes as she gave me the go ahead to follow before bolting after her. I caught up with her as she went into the girl's rest room. I took a breath before entering to hear her sobbing in the handicap stall.

"It's just me." I announced seeing the bathroom was empty, thank God. I walked over to her and slid down next to her as she cried into her knees.

"I can't believe I was so stupid. I've lost him forever and there's nothing I can do about it." She sobbed and I put my arm around her.

"I'm not going to lie to you Clare…kissing Fitz…that was kind of a deal breaker. Even though you guys aren't together you know how he feels about Fitz and it was just stupid." I said knowing it wasn't very comforting but Clare wasn't like most girls. She didn't want to be lied to. Telling her it was all going to be okay and that Eli would talk to her again would be a lie because I honestly don't know if he ever will.

"I know it was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking but…but it wasn't…" She was struggling to speak and I rubbed her arm.

"It wasn't what?" I asked and she collected herself before looking at me.

"It wasn't Eli." She tucked her lip in to keep from crying and I pulled her closer to me so she could cry on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry things are so screwed up but maybe give him some time to get over it?" I said truly not knowing what to say but hated seeing Clare so upset.

"Or give him enough time to forget about me." She said wiping her face. I handed her some toilet paper and shook my head.

"No matter what happens between you guys he will never forget you. You hear me?" I put my hand on her knee and she looked at me with pained eyes.

"I'm sorry I ruined us." She said with teary eyes.

"Well Eli wasn't perfect either-" I started to say but she stopped me.

"No…us. The three of us. When I broke up with Eli everything just…fell apart." Clare said as a tear ran down her cheek. I gave her a weak smile.

"It's okay. Some of the best things in the world were once broken. It's about re-assembling them back to perfect that makes it a masterpiece. Without a struggle, where would we be?" I smiled and she hugged me tightly. Just as Clare and I were cleaning her up the intercom made a noise signaling that someone was about to an announcement.

"Will Adam Torres please report to the student council office. Adam Torres to the student council office." It was Holly J's voice and Clare and I both looked at each other confused.

"What's that about?" Clare asked confused.

"I had no clue. Hopefully Fiona's okay. Are you going to be okay?" I asked rubbing her arm. She gave me a weak smile.

"I hope so. Don't worry. Go find out if Fiona's okay." She hugged me and I rubbed her back one last time before walking out of the rest room. I walked down to the student council office thinking I'd see Fiona there but it was only Holly J and Sav who stood up as soon as I entered.

"Adam thanks for coming." Holly J said looking nervous.

"You sort of intercomed me. What's up?" I shut the door behind me and sat down.

"It's about Eli." Sav said and I sighed.

"He's just going through a rough time. If you've caught him smoking the-" Holly J cut me off.

"He's hurting himself!" She blurted and I looked at her confused.

"W-what? No. No I'd know." I'd been spending time with Eli. Hell I just talked to him a little while ago. There is no way I would miss that.

"He's cutting himself Adam. Holly J saw the scars on his arm." Sav said sadly as I shook my head.

"He also burned himself with a cigarette." Holly J shifting toward me. I jumped up from my seat and looked at them.

"You're wrong. He wouldn't. Eli wouldn't do that to himself. He's going to a therapist and is moving on." I raised my voice and Holly J looked up at me with pained eyes.

"I know this is hard but-" I cut her off.

"I WOULD KNOW OKAY? HE'S MY BEST FRIEND!" I shouted making Sav stand up.

"Adam, I know this is hard to hear but we've got to get him help before he does something stupid." Sav put his hand on my shoulder and I started to try and put pieces together in my head. The way Eli would cringe when I hit his arm playfully or how whenever it was really nice out he'd still wear long sleeves with his uniform.

"How could I have missed it? The signs were all there." I sat back down and stared down at my hands before Holly J put hers on top of mine.

"It's okay Adam. You have so much on your plate as far as Fi is concerned. I know it's hard. If I wouldn't have surprised him I don't think any of us would have ever found out but as his best friend you need to be the one to help him. We are going to help you help him but we needed to let you know first." She rubbed my hand with her thumb and I looked up at her before glancing at Sav.

"What do we do now?" I asked not knowing what the future of my best friend was and being completely terrified.

"I think we should call his mom and dad in and let them know what's going on before we take any serious action as far as talking to Simpson or his doctor." Holly J said and I nodded.

"I can call Cece and Bullfrog in." Sav volunteered and I looked over at Holly J.

"It's going to be okay Adam." She reassured me as I stood up.

"I'll find Eli." I said with a sigh getting a bad feeling in my stomach about today.

(**CLARE'S P.O.V**)

I sat in Media class completely spaced out thinking about Eli. Having Adam comfort me was a relief because I thought I would have lost him in all of this mess but he still managed to be by my side even though I hurt Eli. I knew it wasn't an easy task for him but I loved him for it. He was such a good friend.

"Earth to Clare." Alli snapped her fingers at me and I looked at her.

"Sorry, what's wrong?" I asked trying to give her my full attention. She frowned at me as she closed her Facerange page.

"I guess the good news as the Wesley and Connor aren't here so we don't have to work on our project." Alli smiled and I tried returning it.

"I wish you would stop letting this bother you. Maybe it's what needed to happen?" She suggested and I nodded slightly.

"But I didn't want it to happen like that." I tucked my hair behind my ear.

"Well how DO you feel about Fitz? You never really said but just because Eli hates him doesn't mean you should feel bad for having feelings for him." Alli pointed out and until now I really hadn't thought about my feelings for Fitz. He had changed and I could see he was a better person but my heart belonged to Eli.

"I don't really know. He's a great guy. Really sweet to me and my parents love him. But…" I stopped talking and Alli let out a dramatic sigh.

"But you love Eli. I know." She turned back to her computer and started typing when all the sudden the computers went black.

"Hey…what the-" Alli said just as the hatesite for Eli popped up on everyone's screen. I turned in my seat to look at my own screen as it seemed to be controlled by someone else.

"Kids, don't touch the mouse. We are being hacked." Ms. O said getting on her phone.

"No way…" Alli said making me look at her.

"What? What is it?" I asked shifting to look at her.

"They posted parts of Eli's journal on here." Alli's mouth hung open as she clicked on the glowing notebook labeled "The Mind of a Killer".

"I'm sure it's fake. Eli keeps his journal glued to his hip." I said shaky not trying to pay attention.

"Don't read it! It's private!" I said but she kept reading anyway.

"Clare…you need to read this." She looked over at me with stunned eyes and I started getting upset with her.

"NO! That's his personal private thoughts. I won't invade his privacy like that." I started to get up and she grabbed my hand.

"Clare, it's about you. Trust me, you want to read it." She looked almost scared but something in her eyes just told me to read it. As if it would change how I felt if I just read whatever she was looking at. I leaned down and started reading the screen in front of me.

"…_everything about her is fake. Her personality, her smile, even her stupid morals based on her weak faith that no doubt will no longer be there now that her family has gone to shit. It's pretty pathetic that she has based her whole life around her beliefs and when she needed them the most the up and left her. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that she left me then. Her God abandon her when she needed him most and she abandons me when I needed her most. I should have known. She's a silly little girl living in a fantasy world. I knew that the day I met her and against my better judgment I wanted to get lost in her world for a while. Maybe I just wanted to pass the time. Maybe deep down I knew she was a challenge and that's why I wanted to be with her…_" I stopped reading. I was so angry I could literally feel heat coming off of my face.

"Clare…" Alli said my name and I clenched my fists.

"That bastard…he…he used me." I felt like my eyes were going red as I leaned away from the computer.

"Calm down, Clare." Alli said reaching for me but I spun away from her storming out of the door hearing her yell for me. The bell rang and I knew exactly where Eli would be at this moment. It made me even more mad that he was right. I was pathetic. I knew his entire schedule. I rounded the corner and saw him standing at his locker. The hallway started to fill with students as I stormed towards him. He didn't even see me coming as I slammed the locker door shut knocking his book bag to the ground and startling him.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" I screamed at him. His eyes were wide with surprise as I shoved him.

"Wh-" He went to speak but I stopped him.

"HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS! I LOVED YOU! I ACCEPTED YOU AND YOU USED ME!" I screamed drawing everyone's attention as he stood completely unaware of what he had done. I stared at him before he tried to step closer to me.

"I don't know wha-" I didn't even let him speak. I balled my fist up and hit him as hard as I could in the mouth sending him back wards a few steps getting tangled in the straps of his bag and following to the ground. People around us made noises like "Oh!" and laughing as he looked up at me with a split lip.

"GOD! I can't believe I fell for someone like you. You're a manipulative, conniving, monster and I hate you!" I said pointing down at him as I watched his eyes stare in pain and confusion as blood fell from his lip.

"You were right, we're so done because right now I don't care if I ever see you again. Go to hell, Eli." I seethed at him before turning my back on him and starting to walk away. I could hear people making fun of him and I didn't even bother turning around even after I heard him scrambled to his feet and run for the front doors. I went into the girls room and tried to calm myself down. I washed the blood off my hand and looked at the broken, swollen skin that resided on my knuckles again after hitting Eli with so much force. I was ashamed I had become so violent but I blamed him. I hated him so much right now it brought me to tears and for the second time today I was crying my eyes out because of him. I spent the next hour and a half trying to pull myself together to finally leave the bathroom but when I did Adam stopped me.

"Where the hell have you been?" He asked a bit aggressively.

"Nowhere. I'm not really in the mood-" Adam cut me off.

"I heard what happened. How could you do that to him? How could you hurt him like that?" Adam threw his arms out and I glared.

"You didn't read what he wrote about me! He made a fool out of me in front of everyone!" I said with just as much force but Adam didn't budge.

"So you put him on display as a monster and beat the shit out of him! What the hell is the matter with you!" Adam accused.

"HE USED ME! HE USED ME AND MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT FOR LOVING HIM TO THE ENTIRE SCHOOL." I shouted at Adam and he rolled his eyes.

"You think he actually wrote that junk about you! How stupid could you be Clare? You KNOW he loved you more than ANYTHING!" Adam started to yell at me and I went to walk away from him but he grabbed my arm.

"Let me go!" I said and he stopped holding me so tight.

"What? You need proof? Here." Adam pulled Eli's journal out of the back of his pants.

"Where did you get that?" I asked as he flipped through the pages.

"It was with the rest of his stuff. Apparently he bolted from the school and his missing." Adam said bitterly as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I don't want to read that garbage again." I said turning my nose up at the book and he folded it back.

"It was edited. Eli didn't write that crap that was on that stupid site. He would never…" I looked over at Adam whose voice got caught in his throat as he took a deep breath.

"He's never going to stop loving you. No matter how badly you treat him or hurt him but right now I'm not going to sit here explain to you what you already know deep down. You can just read it." Adam thrusted the book at me before running back down the hallway. I didn't know what to believe. I knew that the book I held in my hands was Eli's based on the worn cover and the pages filled with lead that smeared onto my fingertips as I touched the pages. I walked out into the memorial in the class casing before sitting down to read what Adam had given me.

"…_everything about her is unreal. Her personality, her stunning smile, even her religious morals that may escape me from time to time because of my own lack of beliefs but for the first time I've met someone who's beliefs I can respect. She has such a passion about her faith even in times like these when her whole life is turned upside down. She grew up in a house filled with love and now her parents can barely sit through a meal together before tearing into one another. It breaks my heart for her. Even being an atheist I would never wish that Clare lose her faith in God because of the burdens of her life. If anything, I want her to grip onto it tighter because without those morals and beliefs I honestly don't think she could have survived the divorce. Clare is one of the strongest girls I have ever met and I wish I could hold onto something as tightly as she does. Oddly enough I think it's one of the reasons I love her so much. If she can find hope and comfort and a faithless boy like me then somewhere, someone has to be holding the cards….all I can do is thank them for bringing her into my life. She truly is why I get up every morning…"_

I pulled my eyes from the book and put my hand over my mouth. How could I be so stupid? I let that stupid site get into my head. I closed the book and ran out of the glass doors as I saw Mr. Simpson pass with both Cece and Bullfrog looking concerned next to him.

"What's going on?" I asked out of breath but Cece just started crying.

"Clare, have you seen Eli around?" Simpson asked me and I nodded.

"N-no. Is everything okay?" I asked as Bullfrog comforted Cece.

"He's missing. We can't find him anywhere." Bullfrog said as Simpson stepped closer.

"It was just brought to our attention that Eli's been cutting himself so please if you have any idea where he could be…" He trailed off and I felt my heart drop in my stomach.

"He's…hurting himself?" I tried not to let tears form and Simpson put his hand on my shoulder.

"Find Adam. He will explain. I'm going to take the Goldsworthy's to my office. Don't worry, we'll find him." Simpson patted me on the shoulder before turning back to Cece and Bullfrog. I felt horrible even looking them in the face after what I had done to their son. All these things were running through my head as I looked for Adam. Did Eli start cutting himself when we broke up? How could I have missed it after spending all that time with him? Was it my fault? I saw Adam getting on his bike out front and I ran for him.

"ADAM! ADAM WAIT!" I yelled and he stopped.

"Clare I don't have time-" I cut him off.

"Why didn't you tell me….in the hallway?" I asked trying not to get upset. He got off his bike and set it down before hugging me tight.

"Listen, we can talk about this later. I know what's in your head and you can't blame yourself just like I can't blame myself. We have to find him Clare. That's all I can process right now." He hugged me tight before letting me go and staring at me. I ran over to the bike rack and unchaining mine.

"Let's try the cemetery first." Adam said peddling off. I followed and tried to keep bad thoughts out of my head. I prayed that he would forgive me and be okay. We reached the cemetery and Adam stopped one of the men raking.

"Excuse me sir but have you seen a younger guy about her height with black hair?" Adam asked the man and he stopped raking.

"Elijah? Yeah he stopped in just about half an hour ago. Told me to take good care of his girl and goodbye. Real nice kid. Though he never tells me goodbye so it seemed a bit strange." The man went back to raking as Adam looked at me.

"We need to get to the house, now." Adam said peddling hard. I tried to keep up as best as I could and nearly wrecked when we got there. Adam ran up to the front door but it was locked.

"I'm going to check the windows." Adam ran to the side of the house while I searched for the spare I knew Cece hid for Bullfrog.

"CLARE!" I heard Adam yell and I came around the side of the house to see smoke coming from an upstairs window.

"TRY THE BACK DOOR!" I yelled going back around the front. I took one of the big rocks from Cece's garden and started to smash the doorknob as hard as I could until the door finally opened. I bolted up the stairs and saw the smoke wasn't coming from Eli's room but the bathroom. I tried to open it but it was also locked.

"OPEN THE DOOR ELI!" I threw my weight against it and finally dug my shoulder into it enough to get the door to open as steam hit me in the face taking my breath away. The shower was on full blast and there on the floor he laid. Broken. He was shirtless and covered in scabs as he laid motionless in his own blood that continued to pour from deep gashes on his wrists.

"OH GOD! OH GOD!" I slid next to him and picked his head up from the tiles wrapping my arms around him and pulling him into my lap.

"ELI! ELI! OH GOD PLEASE! ELI WAKE UP!" I sobbed. He groaned as I grabbed a wash cloth making sharp scissor fall to the floor next to us before tying it around one of the wounds.

"I know it hurts but please hold on. Don't let go, Eli. Do you hear me? I know you can hear me. Please don't leave me." I said with my lips right up to his ear rocking him back and forth. My hand grazed one of the scabs on his chest and I got an up close look at just what he had been doing to himself over the last few months. Adam ran to the door and his eyes went wide.

"CALL AN AMBULANCE!" I screamed and he ran away from the door to call. Eli started to mumble but still lay motionless in my arms. He kept saying something but I couldn't hear him.

"What are you trying to say? I can't understand you." I cried leaning down til my ear practically grazed his lips.

"Just…let…me…die." He sounded so hopeless and I watched a tear roll down his face as his eyes were merely slits.

"I-I'm sorry. I can't do that Eli. I love you. I'm so sorry. Please just hold on." I begged. I held him so tight I was afraid I was squeezing what life that was left in him out but I was afraid he would think I was letting him go if I didn't hold him that tight. I couldn't find another wash cloth for his other wrist so I used my shirt holding his wrist in the cloth as sirens came in the distance.


	11. Living Proof

**SO sorry for the long wait. You guys are awesome. Thank you for all the awesome reviews. I hope you enjoy the update. Hopefully no more month long waits.-J**

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Her words were almost as hurtful as the punch to the face but the moment she told me she hated me I felt like my heart exploded into a million pieces. I felt blood in my mouth and as I watched her walk away the sounds of kids heckling egged the tears that I couldn't stop. I scrambled to my feet as quickly as I could leaving my books and bag on the floor in front of my locker before running out of the school. My feet started to carry me without thinking as I tried to breathe through sobs that racked my whole body. I made my way to the cemetery and collapse just in front of Julia's grave from being so out of breath. I cried like a lost child. It was pathetic to just listen to myself. I lay in the grass trying to catch my breath and stop the tears for almost an hour before I managed to sit up and stop from sobbing. My chest would jump from fighting the urge to sob even more as I gazed at her name etched into the stone. There was nothing left here for me anymore. I felt so horrible that it actually pained my insides. I felt like my body was telling me that my heart wasn't beating anymore and I was just a body. I ran my fingers over her name and closed my eyes seeing her face smiling immediately. She was where I needed to be. I've never been afraid to die because something told me that someday I'd be with her again and if that means in death then my time here was done. I got to my feet and felt my legs a shake a bit.

"I'll see you soon Jules." I kissed my finger tips before placing it back on her tombstone. I turned away wiping stray tears away before heading out of the cemetery. I ran into the caretaker that took care of all the plots. I had talked to him every time I came to visit Julia.

"It's a little early for you isn't Elijah? Shouldn't you be in school?" He said standing his shovel up to lean on the handle.

"I needed to talk to her." I said trying not to look as wrecked as I'm sure I appeared.

"Are you okay? You're bleeding." He gestured to my mouth and I wiped it away.

"I'll be alright soon enough. Can you promise me something Tommy?" I addressed him by his name like he had told me to after a month of talking to him and calling him Sir.

"I can certainly try. What do you need kid?" He asked gazing at me. I looked over my shoulder at Julia's grave and back at him.

"Take care of her for me okay?" I asked and he took his baseball cap off.

"I always do son. Don't you worry." He gave me a reassuring smile and I nodded before stepping towards him and extending my hand.

"It's been a pleasure. Goodbye Tommy." He took my hand hesitantly and shook it.

"You sure you're alright?" He asked squinting his eye at me.

"Take care of yourself." I tried to smile but couldn't as I dropped his hand and shoved it in my pocket.

The walk home was a bit unnerving. I couldn't think. I knew if I started to think I would think of Clare and I'd start sobbing right there on the street. I kept my head straight and my eyes in the direction of home. I couldn't think about Bullfrog and Cece because I knew how devastated they were going to be when they found me. I felt selfish but it would get easier for them eventually. They would box up my stuff and it would hurt but they wouldn't have to worry about their "sick" son anymore. They could start fresh. Adopt even. Then there was Adam. He was probably the only true friend I ever had. He would grow to hate me for this but it was probably for the best. Adam was learning to love who he was and once he managed to do that he wouldn't need me anymore. He always put himself on the outside because of being different but once he accepted that he was different others would too. I reached the house and suddenly became really caught up in everything. It would be the last time I walked through my front door. I looked into the kitchen where Cece, Bullfrog and I would eat dinner. I ran my hand over the table and choked on a sob before walking into the living room where I would suffer through chick flicks with Cece and where I would play video games with Adam and Bullfrog. Suddenly it all seemed so hard to let go of but I knew I had to.

I started up the steps slowly take a deep breath as I reached the top. I looked at the family pictures that lined the wall and tried to block out the memories that tempted my mind as I walked into my room to retrieve my bag. I took a glance around and tried to picture how empty it would be after I'd been gone for a significant amount of time. Would everything in here end up on the curb like Julia's things? I pushed the thought from my head knowing that Cece would never be able to part with some of these things. I left the door to my room open as I walked into the bathroom. I turned the shower on hot and blasted it like I normally did but my routine seemed stupid now that this was it. This would be the last time for all of it. I shut and locked the door before unzipping the bag. I looked down into it and tried to swallow the lump in my throat but it seemed to be a permanent lump. I kicked my shoes and socks off near the toilet and dropped my hands to my belt buckle but saw in the mirror how badly my hands were shaking. I looked down at them and clenched them into fists tightly. I turned the sink on and splashed some water on my face and spit the little bit of blood from my mouth reminding me of why I was standing here in the first place. I pulled my shirt from over my head and pulled out the scissor from the bag getting lost in the sight of them. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I was covered in scabs and scars. I looked disgusting. I looked exactly like Clare said I did. A monster.

I started to sob again and my knees gave out sending me to the tiles as the steam became a bit too much for me to take. I crawled over and opened the window a bit but the steam was still pretty heavy as I laid on the floor curled up in the fetal position sobbing once more. I cried out loud as tears collected on the tiles. I shut my eyes and all I saw was images of Clare. My gut started to ache like someone was stabbing me repeatedly.

"Stop it….please. Get out of my head." I begged gripping at my hair.

"_GOD! I can't believe I fell for someone like you."_

"No…" I opened my eyes hoping the voice would go away.

"_You're a manipulative, conniving, monster and I hate you_."

"Please just stop." I crawled over to the scissors on the floor and leaned my back against the sink as I sat on the floor.

"_You were right, we're so done because right now I don't care if I ever see you again_."

I held my wrist out and banged my head against the cabinet of the sink trying to prep myself.

"_Go to hell, Eli." _

I opened my eyes feeling the burn of tears and steam as I took a deep breath and without looking I started to apply pressure cutting into my skin. I hissed but the pain wasn't bad enough. I applied more pressure and blood started to run down the side of my wrist as I started to drag the blade across my skin adding as much pressure as I could until I reached the other side of my wrist. I watched the blood gush for a moment before looking over at my bare wrist and switched hands. I wasn't sure how I was going to press into my skin but I managed to drag the blade against my wrist so hard that I actually saw tissue as blood squirted onto my pants. I tossed the scissors on the towel sitting on the sink and let my wrists lay motionless next to me as I started losing feeling in them. I leaned my head back and choked back a cry feeling my body start to get colder as it grew closer to death. I felt dizzy and insanely tired so I shifted to where I could lay down on the tiles. I watched a pool of crimson start to spread within eye sight of where I had my head and I started to let my eyes slip closed.

I thought I heard something. As if bass was being pumped into my head from an outside source but it got louder as I grew colder. I felt like I passed out for a moment because the next thing I knew the door flew open and in the fog I could see Julia's face but it disappeared as someone stepped through the fog and started moving me around. I couldn't open my eyes though. I could barely hear whoever was talking to me as Julia's face became clearer behind my eyes. Suddenly I felt something tighten around one of my wrists and my eyes opened into slits causing Julia's face to disappear.

"I know it hurts but please hold on. Don't let go, Eli. Do you hear me? I know you can hear me. Please don't leave me." I heard a familiar voice say as I tried to close my eyes to get Julia's face back. I felt like I was being rocked and it was breaking my concentration. All I wanted was to leave this Earth and be with her again. I tried to use what life I had left to beg whoever was trying to hold me here to let go but I wasn't even sure if they could hear me.

"Just…let…me…die." I begged and I thought I felt something wet hit my face.

"I-I'm sorry. I can't do that Eli. I love you. I'm so sorry. Please just hold on." I heard the person say and I thought I had figured out who it belonged to but that seemed almost impossible. I opened my eyes just wide enough to see her blurry face. How could the girl who just told me she hated me be here trying to keep me alive right now? My eyes started to grow heavy and as I let go someone started screaming but it all just slipped away.

_I was standing in an empty park that I remembered as a place Julia and I would meet when things with her parents got rough. I walked over to the wooden table that had our names carved into it and ran my fingers over the engraved letter. I felt weightless, problem free almost. I looked around to see everything seemed so much brighter here but there was no sight of her. I kept walking until I saw the cherry blossom tree that sat at the top of a hill where Julia and I would sit for hours and read. I started up the hill and could actually feel it winding me but as I got closer I caught sight of her and nearly lost my breath entirely. She looked up from whatever she was reading and her eyes were wide. _

"_Elijah?" She said in disbelief as I started running up the hill towards her. _

"_Julia!" She got to her feet quickly laughing as she ran down towards me and jumped into my arms. Her arms wrapped around me tightly and I realized this wasn't a dream. I could actually feel her, smell her beautiful scent and hear her laugh. _

"_It's really you. It seems like it's been forever." I said not wanting to pull out of the hug but I did so I could capture her lips. I caught her by surprise and she laughed into my lips as she gripped my hair. She pulled out of the kiss and gripped my face. _

"_Let me look at you!" She said laughing. She looked just the way I remembered her. She wore a long white dress with a black belt around the waist and her straight, raven hair hung down to her bicep beautifully. _

"_I can't believe it's really you." She said with a smile. I returned it and put my hands over hers as they rested on my face. _

"_I've missed you…SO much Jules." I watched her smile start to fade and she looked behind me. _

"_Wait…what are you doing here? You can only be here if…oh God what happened?" She asked frantically. I shook my head and took her hands into mine. _

"_Everything was a mess Jules. I tried to love again and I failed miserably. I just couldn't handle being there without you anymore." I explained and she looked at me in disbelief. _

"_Please tell me you didn't…Eli, please tell me you didn't kill yourself." She said in fear and I felt a bit ashamed. _

"_I love you Julia. I just wanted to be with you. No one's ever loved me the way you did and I just couldn't take being there without you. Living is so hard without you." She shook her head and I could tell she was upset._

"_You're wrong. You have tons of people who love you. How could you do this to them?" She asked._

"_You don't know what it's like. Everyone thinks I killed someone at my new school. It's like losing you all over again. Everyone hates me, my best friend has to visit me in secret to keep from upsetting his girlfriend, Cece and Bullfrog are constantly put out by me and the girl I fell for hates my guts. I wake up in pain, walk around in pain and try and sleep through the pain but it's the only constant I had. I just wanted it to go away." I pleaded to her and she started walking me down the hill towards the table for us to sit down._

"_I do know what it's like because I watch over you every day. I know things are hard but you are only making them harder for yourself. It's all in your head Eli. It's always been in your head. Cece and Bullfrog aren't put out by you. They love you. You are their only son. How devastated do you think they will be when they find out? Your friend Adam, he has been busting his ass to try and make things easy for you. I bet you didn't know that he and his girlfriend have been fighting nonstop for weeks now because he refused to sign some stupid petition." Julia's words were blowing my mind. I didn't believe in lot of things but was she really my guardian angel? How could she possibly know Adam? _

"_And Clare…she is so perfect for you Eli. How could you let one miscommunication ruin that?" I was shocked to hear Julia defend Clare. I pulled my hands from hers and she sighed._

"_She told me she hated me and to go to hell. You don't even know her Julia. How could you take her side over mine? Shouldn't you hate her?" I said getting a bit angry but she held her composure. _

"_How could I hate someone who makes you so happy? She is beautiful and smart and he makes you laugh like I've never even seen. She is perfect Eli but like everyone she makes mistakes. Just like you and just like me. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you." She reached for my hand and I frowned. _

"_It doesn't matter anyway. I'm where I want to be. Here with you." I smiled taking her hands into mine and she sighed._

"_You can't stay. You'll be leaving soon." She said sadly and I felt a mere panic set in._

"_No! I want to stay here…with you! I don't want to go." I said angrily. _

"_It's not your time Eli. No matter how much you want it to be. Death doesn't work like that. You have so much more to do." She touched my face and I felt like crying. I didn't want to leave her. _

"_But…so did you. W-hy can't I just stay with you?" I choked back some tears and she wiped them away._

"_It was my time Eli. I'm happy here and I want you to be happy. Someday you'll come back here and hopefully it will be to tell me all about the long life you lived." Julia kissed my cheek and looked into my eyes. _

"_Please don't make me leave. I love you. I don't want to be anywhere else." I begged her and she shook her head._

"_It's not up to me baby but I know you love me and I'll always love you too. But it's time to let go. Forgive yourself because I've forgiven you. It wasn't your fault, it was just my time to go. We'll see each other again but until then…love with all of your heart. She deserves all of you. Just like I had." Julia kissed my lips but when I closed my eyes I saw Clare's face. _

"_It's time…I won't say goodbye but see you later." She got up from the table and I jumped up quickly trying to grab her arm. _

"_No!"I reached for her but I suddenly felt like I was being sucked backwards and all I could see was Julia smiling at me before it faded to black._

I sucked in a deep breath and felt my chest fill with oxygen as I was harshly pulled from what seemed like the most peaceful place I'd ever been back to my bathroom in this cruel world.

"Eli...can you hear me?" An unfamiliar voice was shouting at me as they shined a light in my eyes, blinding me as I tried to take in my surroundings again.

"Oh thank God!" Another voice that I knew to be Adam's said through a thankful sob as the light moved from my eyes and I could see that the man yelling at me was a paramedic.

"We gave you a shot of adrenaline to get your heart started back up but you're going to be alright. You've lost a lot of blood but we are going to get you to the hospital. You're lucky to be alive, you're friend here saved your life." My eyes moved around frantically as I felt tight restraints on my wounds making them feel numb as they loaded me onto a stretcher.

"You're going to be alright Eli. I'm right here." Clare said as tears streamed down her face. I suddenly became enraged just by the sight of her. It was all her fault. Everything was her fault.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" I yelled startling everyone. Her eyes went wide as she stared at me in shock.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" My voice sounded hoarse as they picked the stretcher up and started to carry me.

"Eli...calm down." Adam said in disbelief as I glared at Clare painfully.

"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!" It was the last thing I screamed before they got to the stairs and I passed out. Everything went black again but this time there was no bright light. There was no feeling of the world lifting from my shoulders but most importantly, there was no Julia. Only darkness.

**[CLARE'S P.O.V]**

Eli's words were brutal and seemed like a knife to my heart but I knew I deserved it. They let me ride with him in the ambulance and held his bloody hand with my own as he lie unconscious from blood loss while Adam ran back to the school to get Cece and Bullfrog. I didn't want to leave his side. I was afraid that I would lose him again and I couldn't process the thought. I had his blood all over my purple shirt and on my khaki shirt but I didnt pay any attention to it as we pulled into the hospital. They let me go with him to a certain point and said that I had to wait outside in the waiting room until after they could get him to stabilize so all I could do was wait. I was staring down at the dried blood on my hands when I heard people shuffle in towards me. I looked up to see Bullfrog, Cece and Adam rushing in.

"What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?" Cece asked frantically. I turned towards her and felt a lump grow in my throat.

"I read something on the hatesite that I thought he wrote about me...I confronted him in the hallway and-" I started to get a little upset as Cece and Bullfrog stared at me wide eyed.

"Clare..." Adam said shaking his head but I had to tell them.

"I hit h-him. I told him how horrible he was and how much of a monster he had become. I...I told him I hated him and that he could go to hell." I felt tears welling up in my eyes right before something I never thought I'd ever experience. I swift hand flew across my cheek stinging harshly as it whipped my head to the side.

"Cecilia!" Bullfrog had pulled Cece away from me but it was too late. She had slapped me across the face and started crying.

"You knew how fragile he was! You knew how much he loves you and you told him THAT!" She said bitterly as Bullfrog tried to calm her down.

"I...I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen." I let the tears spill from my eyes burning the now apparent red mark on my cheek from her hand.

"YOU MIGHT HAVE WELL PUT THE KNIFE TO HIS WRISTS!" Cece's words made all composure I had crumble and I ran from the waiting room out into the hallway only to run into Sav and Holly J.

"Hey, hey! What's wrong? Is he okay?" Sav asked gripped my arms. Adam ran out after me and looked at them as I tried to get away but as soon as I got out of his grasp Alli caught me.

"It's okay, it's okay. I got her." Alli hugged me tight as I fell apart in her arms.

"I'm going to see if I can get anything out of the doctors on his status." I heard Holly J said.

"I'm going to call Simpson and let him know what's going on." Sav said shoving his hands in his pocket's awkwardly before walking in another direction. Adam stood there staring at me.

"I'm going to go clean her up. You should be in there with his parents." Alli told Adam snapping him out of it and making him nod. Alli picked me up and led me to the nearest restroom. She locked the door behind us and I just sat crying on the floor as she used wet towels to get the blood off my arms and hands. I cried pitifully like a child as I told her what happened and she just frowned at me as I balled my eyes out. We had spent almost two hours in the bathroom before we heard a knock. Alli got up and opened the door a crack.

"Drew?" She said confused. I couldn't hear what he was saying but she let him in closing the door behind him. I didn't bother to look up at him now that my eyes were red and swollen.

"Um...hey Clare. Adam called me and told me you might need a few things so I brought as many of Gracie's old things as I could find. I didn't know how much you needed but I hope this helps." Drew hesitantly sat the bag next to me and I turned my head to look at him sadly.

"Th-thank you Drew." I said in more of a whisper. He stepped forward and reached into the bag pulling out a white plastic bag which he started rolling in between his hands while Alli stood and watched him suspiciously.

"What's that?" She asked seeming annoyed by his presence but he held it up.

"Ice pack. I used to pack these in my locker when we first transferred. Lots of sticking up for Adam." Drew smiled at Alli and she nodded.

"That's sweet of you." Alli took the ice pack from him and he stood there awkwardly for a few moments.

"Well I guess I'll leave you to it then. There's a few of us out in the main waiting room when you ladies finish up in here." Drew gave another smile before he walked out of the bathroom. Alli locked the door and walked back over to me as I looked through the clothes he had brought.

"Since when is he a saint?" Alli said snidely. I looked up at her and she frowned.

"Sorry, let's get you dressed and back out there." Alli pulled me up and found a pair of black jogging pants and a white floral t-shirt to put on. They fit a little big on me but I pulled them on while holding the ice pack to my cheek which was now bruised and bright red. I splashed water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror, feeling the full weight of the situation that I now found myself in. I was in love with a boy who was emotionally unstable and I had knowingly pushed him to death's doorstep. Even taking breaths was heavy as I pushed off the sink and walked over out of the bathroom to see Alli standing there waiting.

"Let's go to the waiting room." She put her arm around me and I shook my head.

"I can't face his parents right now." I could feel my hands shaking and she nodded.

"They're in the family waiting room. We can sit out in the public waiting room." She pulled on my arm and I let her lead the way back out to the main waiting room to see people I didn't expect to see. Simpson was sitting with Connor and Wesley. He was talking to a man who appeared didn't appear to be a doctor but held Simpson's attention as if he were one. The moment he caught sight of me his eyes went wide.

"Clare! How are you holding up?" Simpson gave me an awkward hug as Connor and Wesley stood up.

"I…I'm alright. What are you all doing here?" I asked curiously not really making eye contact.

"They came for support Clare." I turned to a voice behind me and it was Holly J who I managed to walk right past. Drew and Anya had come around the corner with a tray of coffee and some snacks. I didn't really know what to say. I was stunned that they would actually care enough to come up and check on him. I knew he would be equally as shocked. Someone stepped toward me and I turned toward them.

"Clare Edwards? I wish we were meeting on better circumstances but I'm Elijah's doctor. I've heard a lot about you." He extended his hand and I took it but I knew he could feel mine shaking.

"I bet you know more than anyone that this is my fault." I took my hand back crossed my arms tightly over my chest.

"Actually I'd like to talk to you for a few moments. I think you don't understand just how much this isn't your fault." I gazed at him for a moment before he put his hand out toward a pair of chairs that were empty in the corner. Alli dropped my arm and went over to sit with everyone else while I sat down next to the doctor. I fidgeted with my hands and he chuckle.

"You both do the same things when you're nervous." He smiled and I took relief in knowing that he noticed a trait that Eli and I shared.

"I don't understand how this couldn't be my fault. I told him I hated him and I didn't want to ever see him again." I said in a low tone so others wouldn't hear. As if they already hadn't witnessed it.

"You are under the impression that Eli's problems stem from you and the break up but his mental instability go back much further than that. Elijah is an old patient of mine. He used to see me after the death of his first girlfriend, Julia." He explained and I watched him talk.

"Most of our problems always led back to Julia but I said those things to him. It was my fault. I should never have believed what I read." I shook my head and put my hand to my forehead.

"Would you mind explaining a little further so I understand?" He asked and I was hesitant but explained everything. From the reconnecting, the Fitz situation, the journal entry and me telling him off in the hallway. He sat and nodded the whole time while I spoke and I found it to be annoying. How Eli could sit in a hour and half session with someone who just nods baffles me.

"I'm sorry but I don't understand how me telling you all of this is going to help you figure me out." I said rudely making him laugh.

"Clare Edwards, you have no idea how incredibly well I already know you just based on what Elijah has told me or written about you." He scratched the side of his face and I rolled my eyes.

"Well don't you think that's a bit biased considering you think you know me from what my ex-boyfriend has told you?" I said bitterly and he stared at me.

"Clare Edwards, girl of strong faith and until recently a happy home. Your parents are now divorced and you feel trapped and alone because your older sister is away doing charity work. You are an excellent student, in advanced courses, which is how you and Eli first got the chance to become friends. You put your heart into everything you do and all the people that surround you, even when it causes grief with others. While you feel ridiculously normal, you stand out among other girls at your school for many reasons but mostly because you are so accepting of peers of all different struggles. You've questioned everything you based your life on because of the divorce of your parents and have struggled to hold onto your faith since the moment you realized just how unhappy they were with one another and watching Elijah go through what he goes through with the peers you were once so open with makes you question humanity in general." He spoke as if he were reading my biography. I was completely caught off guard and he could tell.

"You see Ms. Edwards, despite the breakup and the hardship, Elijah has never once spoken a negative word about you as a person. His journals are never filled with words to hurt you but words that hurt himself. He feels as though you are perfect and that is what will be your downfall." I felt tears brimming my eyes and he sighed.

"But…I'm not perfect. I never wanted him to think I was." I let a tear roll down my cheek and he took my hand.

"Until you help him understand that, he will never realize that you make mistakes like all the rest of us." I let my head drop as I sniffled.

"When they brought him back…he looked at me…and started yelling at me. Before the paramedics got there I was holding him in my arms praying and telling him to hang on but he kept whispering for me to let him die." I felt my tears become heavier and he patted my hand.

"Some who commit suicide and are brought back become bitter from being pulled from something that seemed simpler. Wherever he was in those moments without life may have made him feel better. It's not uncommon for those who are revived to harbor feelings of resentment and anger towards a loved one, especially the one who wouldn't let him go." He explained further and I suddenly felt bad. Should I have let him go?

"Wh-what do I do now?" I asked unsure. He started to stand up and I looked up at him.

"Give him a reason to want to live. Show him that it's not as awful as he thinks." He patted my shoulder once more before he started to walk away. I had so many more things I wanted to talk to him about but I realized why he was getting up when Adam, Drew and Sav came into the waiting room. Adam walked over and sat next to me immediately. I noticed the bandage on his arm and pointed to it.

"What happened to your arm?" I asked curiously.

"Apparently Eli and I have the same blood type. Looks like we're blood brother's now." He chuckled and bit my lip.

"How is he?" I asked hoping he knew something.

"They gave him a few blood transfusions and repaired the damaged veins and tissue in his wrists…they said if you wouldn't have tied up his wrists when you did he would have bleed out." Adam paused and I looked down at my hands that were once covered in his blood. I felt Adam's hand on my back.

"You saved his life Clare." Adam's words were only mildly.

"Doesn't really matter does it? I'm the reason why he did it in the first place." I sighed. Adam took one of my hands and I looked at him.

"It does matter. You can blame yourself all you want but it matters. We would be thinking about a funeral instead of a recovery if it weren't for you. You need to pull yourself together because when he comes out of it he's going to need you." Adam said firmly. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and he pulled me into a hug. We stayed like that for the longest time as hours went by. I watched as our classmates left and Adam shifted to lay down on one of the couches. Alli asked me if I was ready to leave but I couldn't. It was going on about 9:00 when Bullfrog and Cece walked by. They hadn't even see me in the corner and they looked exhausted but something told me that I needed to get up and check on him. I walked past the nurses' station into a room that was dark but the blinds were open so the moonlight could get in. There was only one light on above the bed as he lay quietly. I hadn't realized he was awake and staring out of the window until he noticed me standing in the doorway. I walked towards him and saw that his arms where bandaged and strapped to the bed.

"H-how are you feeling?" I asked softly as he held a blank expression. I stopped walking when he didn't respond.

"I heard Adam gave you blood. That's nice. Now you guys are really like brothers." I gave a faint smile and his blank expression turned dark.

"I know you hate me-" I started and he snorted.

"If I'm not mistaken you would be the one that hates me, thinks I'm a monster and wishes I would go to hell." He squinted his eyes and stuck his lip out sporting a gash in it where I had hit him.

"Eli, that was a complete misunderstanding-" I walked closer and his body moved violently but he remembered he was strapped down.

"DON'T!" He took a deep breath as I jumped at his raised tone.

"You believed some stupid bullshit website over me but it's not like it matters anyway…you've got Fitz now. So what you did was insult to injury." Eli's words made me step closer again shaking my head.

"I'm not with Fitz. I swear. I love you. Please, if you just give me a chance-" Eli shook his head.

"I don't believe a word you say anymore and…I don't love you. You broke my heart repeatedly just because I couldn't handle how much I loved you but now…I just can't even look at you. I was happy where I was. I was with Julia. SHE loves me. Flaws and all. You turned your back on me twice. I was content with settling into a death with her and you ripped me away from her because of your selfish guilt that you justify as bullshit love. Well it's not love and I don't believe that you did anything but keep me away from Julia." I watched painfully as a tear fell from Eli's eyes as he explained without blinking. I choked back my own tears as my heart was breaking into splinters of what it already was.

"I n-never meant to hurt you, Eli." I managed to get out before he sighed.

"Doesn't matter does it? It all still hurts the same." He pressed his lips into a firm line as I stood there feeling more alone then I ever had.

"Wh-what does this mean?" I looked up at him unsure and he continued to gaze at me before looking down at his bandaged wrists.

"Whatever we had was killed in that hallway but as far as you are concerned…I don't want see you again." Eli's words broke me as I caught my breath and wiped my face reminding myself of the bruise that was there.

"Fine. I can understand that…but whether you like it or not I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I won't apologize for saving your life. Call me selfish, hate me, whatever you want but If I had the chance to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing." I said through tears as he held my gaze. I just wanted him to embrace me and hug me and tell me he loved me too but he just held that stone gaze.

"I think you should leave now." He said simply, crushing those dreams as he turned back to look out the window. I took a deep breath before turning to walk out of the room. I glanced back at him but he wasn't looking at me. He continued to gaze sadly as though he were thinking about something or someone which only made me feel worse. I ran into a nurse on the way out and she stopped me.

"I think Mrs. Goldsworthy is staying in the room tonight sweetheart so you can go home and get some rest." She smiled and I rubbed at my eyes.

"Oh no I'll probably just sit out in the waiting room. I don't want to leave just yet…" I said with a hint of a smile and she must have noticed.

"Well I don't think he has any other family members coming except his parents and they said they want to stay in the room with him so why don't I set you up in the family waiting room? It's private and no one is using it. You look like you need some sleep or some alone time." She rubbed my back much like Alli was doing earlier today and I nodded.

"That would be great. Thank you." I followed her to the room and it was far enough away from his room that Cece and Bullfrog wouldn't see me but it had his vitals on a screen that way I could make sure he was okay in the night. The nurse returned with blankets and a pillow and handed it to me.

"If you need anything just use that phone and dials 9. Ask for Kelly, that's me." She smiled pointing to her name tag and I extended my hand.

"Thank you for everything Kelly. I'm Clare." I said realizing how exhausted I actually sounded.

"It's nice to meet you Clare. I'm sorry for meeting under such horrible circumstances." She said shaking my hand. I frowned a bit before sitting down on the long couch.

"Everything will work out. Just have faith…and if you need some help the chapel is on the second floor." She smiled and I could tell she had caught a glimpse of my cross around my neck. I put my hand over it and shook my head.

"Thank you." I said kindly as she pulled the door shut behind her. I lie back on the couch and set the pillow behind my head as I watched Eli's vitals on the screen. I wasn't expecting any sort of change but I felt comforted in knowing that he was stable and his heart was beating. I watched his vitals for hours with my mind wandering from his words to seeing him like I did to why my parents were so busy hating one another to even notice that I hadn't come home. I had let sleep take over me as I watched the little heart on the screen blink with the numbers next to it praying that I would make it through this.

**[ELI'S P.O.V]**

I had been stuck in this hospital bed for a week now and I don't think I had ever been as miserable as I was right now. When I came back from what seemed like a fantasy world I was so angry at Clare. Just hours before she was telling me she hated me and she had the nerve to ruin my escape and that same day tell me she loved me. Everyone thought I was the crazy one but if I had to put money on it I would say Clare was the one that lost her marbles. I hadn't seen or heard from her since that night. Adam and a few others visited but were smart enough to not ask about her and I never brought her up. However when my dreams started to get intense she would always show up and smile at me. I didn't know why and I wanted to yell at her and tell her to get out of my dreams but I couldn't. She would take my hand and something inside of me felt…safe. Julia's words kept ringing in my head but I didn't want to believe them. I don't like the idea of any part of me needing Clare because to me it just seemed empty. Like I was setting myself up for pain and I was tired of her having that advantage on me. My therapy sessions kept up and I found I was getting assessed at least 3 times a day which was slowly driving me mad but I knew it was part of the whole post suicide attempt deal. My therapist keeps trying to get me to accept that Clare isn't perfect but the thought of her in school, laughing at lunch, cuddled up next to Fitz and not having her parents look at her like she was on the verge of tears kept me angry at her. Here I was sitting in this stupid bed completely miserable and she was out living her life happily. The sudden burst of anger made me jump waking me up to the darkness of my room like it had many nights like when I was afraid or upset and for a moment I thought I saw her sitting next to the bed holding my hand but the pain medicine was quick to take me over again and I'd pass back out.

Many nights were like that but I kept reminding myself that like most things, it was all in my head. After a few more days they took me off suicide watch and untied my arms. I felt like a caged animal being tied to the bed but was relieved when they took them off. I actually got a good look at the damage I had done. It was gross and stitched up but looked pretty thrashed. They explained how, of course Clare saved my life but also that Adam, Cece and Bullfrog donated blood to help in the saving. Adam had been very mad at me at first but eventually he broke down and started bringing me comics and actually talking to me. It was good to talk to people that weren't doctors or my parents. It was the alone time that I enjoyed most though. Only the nurses would come in and out but they never bothered me. Brief exchanges but nothing too spectacle.

Nurse Kelly walked in like she had every morning bringing in an extra blanket and pillow and put it in the closet that sat next to the bathroom.

"Good morning Eli. How did you sleep?" She asked brightly as I closed the book in my hands.

"Same as always. How is your morning?" I asked making small talk like always.

"Just making my rounds." She smiled brightly at me as she shut the closet.

"You know I see you bring the same blanket and pillow in here every day but you know I never use them. What are they for? Are you napping on the job?" I asked jokingly making her laugh.

"Oh no they're for Cla…" Her eyes went wide and she stopped talking.

"Who are they for?" I asked sternly as she seemed to get nervous. It didn't take long for my withering stare to break her.

"If I tell you then you have to promise not to tell your mother. She will kill me if she finds out." She walked up to my bedside and I cocked an eyebrow at her waiting for her to explain.

"Clare Edwards has been here since you've checked in. She needed a place to sleep and since your parents always take shifts in sleeping in here I figured she could take the family waiting room. She hasn't been in the way or anything." Kelly explained and I let out a clenched breath.

"She hasn't left at all? Not even to go home?" I asked in disbelief.

"No we let her use the nurse's locker room and your friend Adam has brought her some clothes and her friend Alli has brought all of her homework. The last I checked she was making you study cards for a French exam." She smiled and I glared.

"She doesn't even take French." I spat nastily. She stopped talking and bit her lip.

"Where is she now?" I asked sitting up all the way.

"The chapel on the second floor." Kelly said timidly. I threw my legs over the bed and looked at her.

"Take me to her." I was not in the mood for arguing.

"You know you can't-" I cut her off.

"I could just tell the staff how you've let someone who isn't related whatsoever take up house in my family waiting room if you prefer?" I threatened making her shuffle around and help me into a wheelchair. The trip was silent as she pushed me down to the chapel. Kelly parked the wheelchair outside of the doors and said she would wait for me as she frowned. I was surprised to see Clare sitting in the very back as I entered the doors. It was dark and quiet with no one else in any of the other dark wooden pews. I walked over and sat down next to her but she didn't look up. She held a rosary in her hands and kept her hand down as she mumbled to herself softly.

"You think that actually helps?" I startled her because she looked up at me surprised as I kept my eyes to the front.

"Sometimes." She said softly.

"You think God gives two shits about a crazy suicidal atheist who kills people?" I asked blinking and turning my head to look at her. Her eyes just stared into mine sadly.

"No one's perfect. God accepts all his children for their differences. You don't have to believe in him for me to pray for you." Clare said calmly.

"I don't want your prayers or your pity or your love. I want you to stop pretending that I'm going to wake up one of these days and be in love with you again." I said harshly and instead of tears she laughed.

"You think that's what keeps me here?" She asked and I made a face at her.

"Other than guilt I honestly don't know why else you would be here." I said and she shook her head.

"It's funny you think you not loving me would keep me away." Clare bit her lip slightly and I started getting agitated.

"Why's that funny?" I asked impatiently and she looked at me.

"Because even when we were together I knew you loved her more…yet there I was, everyday telling you how much I loved you. It never stopped me before, why would it stop me now?" She asked and didn't know what to say. I suddenly got angry that she had won any attempt to get under my skin.

"You have some nerve. I tried everything to prove I loved you more than I loved Julia but nothing was ever enough for you. If anything you only proved that she loved me more than you ever did." I stood up and gripped the pew in front of us.

"You know what? I think you're just scared that I might actually love you more than Julia and that thought alone makes you hate me." Clare stood up in front of me and I clenched my teeth.

"You don't have to be here anymore. So just leave already. You're only hurting yourself." I said bitterly before turning away from her. I heard her feet come after me a little.

"That's it! You just don't want to admit that I'm right." She said in a matter of factly manner making me look back at her.

"No because Julia was never afraid to love me. She loved me with everything she had. You're so damn afraid of everything we never even had a chance. You just wanted a reason to piss off your parents and I was a pawn. Looks like that didn't pan out for you did it?" I said harshly watching her confidence fade.

"You know that's not true and a complete low blow…" Clare crossed her arms over her chest as I walked over to the door and looked at her.

"Go home. There's nothing here for you." I glared before pushing the door open to see Kelly looking at me hopeful but I just sat down in the chair ready to go back up to my room. She pushed in silence and didn't say much as I got back into the bed and got reconnected to all my machines. I didn't ask Kelly if Clare had returned or not. I figured she finally took the hint and didn't bother ratting her out to Cece when she showed up. Clare's words still bugged me. She actually thought she loved me more than Julia. What a stupid thought. I started going over all the memories of Julia and I in my head as I started to fall asleep.

_To my surprise I was back in the same bright place I was before and for a moment I thought I had died in my sleep. I walked up to the picnic table where I had talked to Julia and felt more alone than before. I sat down and looked up at the hilltop to see she wasn't there either. If this was death then I'd say it's a lot more peaceful but way more lonely then what I thought it would be. I heard a rustle behind me and Julia approached me. I smiled widely standing up but was met with a strong punch to the arm that I could feel 100%. _

"_OW! What the hell was that for?" I asked rubbing my arm which became sore instantly. _

"_Do you ever listen to anything I say or does it just not get past that hair of yours?" Julia said angrily and pulled on my hair next to my ears. _

"_Ow will you stop that!" I put my hands up and rubbed the side of my head. She continued to frown. _

"_You weren't given a second chance at life to go around sulking and taking it for granted, Elijah." She said raising her voice again._

"_I didn't want to go back! I didn't even have a choice." I argued just as loud._

"_God you are so stubborn. Why can't you just listen to me for once? You are hurting Clare for no reason but to make yourself better." Julia said catching me off guard._

"_Why do you care about Clare? She's the one bad mouthing you, saying she loves me more than you! You should be on MY side!" I said throwing my arms out. This felt all too similar to the way we used to argue._

"_THERE IS NO TEAMS ELI! How can I pick a side when no one wins?" She said firmly. I shook my head and turned away from her._

"_You don't understand." I mumbled and she grabbed my arm. _

"_What? That you're scared? Of course I know what that feels like. Being in love with you was like being caught in a tornado. I never knew what to expect and I held on for dear life but was it scary? Hell yes it was and I loved every moment of it." Julia pulled me closer to her and I couldn't meet her eyes. _

"_Is it true…does she love me more than you did?" I asked feeling pained just asking. She pulled me to sit down at the table next to her and lifted my chin._

"_I loved you as much as a 16 year old girl could love a boy but I wasn't strong enough to love you and love myself at the same time. That's why I needed to go. You made the mistake of putting Clare on the same pedestal you once put me on but no matter who you put there we will all fall from grace at some point." I closed my eyes and let her words sink in._

"_No one is perfect. You're living proof of that." She giggled and it made my heart ache as I looked at her. _

"_How do you expect me to love Clare when I hate myself?" I asked sadly. She rested a hand on my cheek and I felt warm._

"_You do whatever it is you have to do in order to make it right with yourself, Eli but that girl is your future. She loves you more than anything and you need each other. Take steps in learning to forgive yourself so you can love Clare the way she deserves to be loved." Julia kissed my cheek and I nodded. _

"_Leaving you is always the hardest part." I whispered knowing that this was merely a dream and I'd soon awake and she'd be gone once more. _

"_I'm always around. Just talk to me and I'll be there. I'm in the wind." She smiled at me and I managed to smile back. _

"_I love you Julia." I said feeling a bit bittersweet. _

"_I know. Now stop being afraid to love and live your life." She returned as I felt like I was starting to fall. _

I woke with a jump and saw that it was now dark outside. The room was dimly lit and Cece was nowhere in sight. I saw she wrote on the dry erase board that she was going to get coffee downstairs and that she would be back soon so I let my surroundings comfort me. I always managed to wake with a dull ache in my chest whenever Julia was present in my dreams but I really tried to think about what she said. I had to smile a little to myself when I noticed trees across the street moving with a breeze that was outside. I looked up at the machines attached to my arm and hand as it monitored my vitals. I remembered the nurses explaining that if Bullfrog and Cece wanted to sleep in the family waiting room that there was a screen that would show them my vitals in case of emergency but Cece refused to leave my bedside.

I started to wonder if maybe I had finally pushed Clare enough to give up on me and leave but there was no way I was going to be able to get up. This would be a test. I was only willing to test fate one last time before I gave up on things all together and oddly enough this is the only way I felt would prove anything. I took off the heart monitor and listened as the monitor started going off as the level dropped instantly. I waited, a little nervous and not knowing what to expect as moments passed and not even a nurse came in. Just when I let out a heavy sigh someone pushed through the door breathlessly. No matter how mad or bitter I was, the sight of Clare standing in the doorway looking confused and concerned made me feel the same warmth as Julia's touch did in my dreams.

"Wh-what's going on?" She asked not sure she should even ask. I tilted my head to the side and cocked an eyebrow at her.

"You just don't know when to quit huh?" I held up the monitor and she eyed me strangely before catching her breath.

"No despite what you think I can take a hint but at the end of the day I'm still going to do whatever I want." She said crossing her arms over her chest. I bit my lip. I wasn't ready to smile just yet. I sighed before looking back to her and squinting my eye at her for a moment.

"I wouldn't expect anything less." I said holding her eye contact. Her blue eyes felt like they were setting me on fire as she started to look away.

"Wait…I don't understand. So you're okay with me being here now?" She asked looked utterly baffled.

"Let's just say I had an eye opening dream and realized that maybe I've been wrong about a few things." I said hesitantly and she took a cautious step forwards.

"Which things would that be?" She asked curiously.

"How much you love me…and how much I love you." I said looking at her and watching a shock cover her face. She took more steps and looked like she was going to hug me but I put my hand up.

"BUT…I'm screwed up Clare. We can't change what's happened but I can change my life for the better. I've got to learn to love myself before I can even consider loving you the way you deserved to be loved…I'm going to need your help." I admitted and she smiled lightly before walking all the way up to the bed and hooking the monitor back up.

"I'm here…and I'm not going anywhere." She rested her hand on top of mine and I let out a heavy breath before nodding my head. The road to recovery was going to be long and I had absolutely no idea where to start.


	12. Grand Optimist

_**AN: So this is the longest wait ever but most of you know why I've taken so long so I will just say that I hope you enjoy the update and please leave feedback so I know you guys havent given up on me. Thanks again.**_

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**[Eli's POV]**

I'd finally healed enough to check out of the hospital after two weeks only to be told I needed to serve another in a psychiatric hospital. I wasn't pleased with the thought but I knew I had to figure things out. I was now sporting gauze wrist bandages on both arms but covered them with thick bracelets which only served to irritate the stitches but it was what I had to deal. Clare had kept her word and hadn't left the hospital once. Cece hadn't taken that very well but I told her that I couldn't handle anymore drama right now. She's been able to keep her withering stares to a minimum but she doesn't think it's a good idea at all for me to spend time with Clare. Part of me agrees. It's comforting to have her there but at the same time I'm terrified that she will run for it. She was riding with us over to the hospital and I kept ringing my hands out in my lap because of how nervous I was as we approached.

"It's going to be okay. You'll be out in a few weeks and then we will start on catching you up with school work." Clare's sudden break in silence made me look at her quickly before looking back down at my shaky hands. She placed her small hand on the tops of mine and squeezed.

"I'm here." She smiled at me and I gave her a weak one in return. I couldn't help but think of how long she would be saying that once word got out that I was going to the loony bin.

We pulled up to the building and Clare took my hand as we walked in. I tried to cover the bandages immediately when the bracelets slipped up a bit. The place looked clean, white walls and white tiled floors with wooden furniture as soon as you walked through the sliding glass doors. There was something that looked like a dunk tank next to the entrance with smoky glass about half way up and what looked like airport bins stacked inside. I tried not to linger by it as we approached the front. There was a larger woman sitting at the front desk with short brown hair and a cheery smile which I felt was ironic.

"Welcome to CAMH, you must be the Goldsworthy's? We've been expecting you." She smiled brightly before standing.

"I'm Kimberly but you can call me Nurse Kim. I take it you're Elijah?" She clapped her hands together and looked at me. I glanced at my parents and shook my head.

"Just Eli is fine." I said softly feeling Clare squeeze my hand again. She glanced at Clare.

"Well Eli we have a few protocols here and I'm going to have to ask you to step into the safe chamber and remove your clothes and jewelry." I tensed immediately.

"Wh-what? No I don't want to do that." I started to pull back and Clare was still attached to my hand as I felt Bullfrog's hand on my back stopping me.

"Is there a reason why he has to do that?" Cece asked seeing how much I was ready to protest.

"It's for safety ma'am. We will give you your things back when you check out but we can't check you in for treatment if you are armed or have anything that could potentially be used as a weapon." Kim explained and I shook my head and looked up at my Dad.

"No…Bullfrog no please." I begged and he looked at me sadly before pulling me away from Clare's grip and walking me over to the box.

"You've got to son. Just take a deep breath." I wanted to be angry with him but I was trying to keep from spiraling into a panic attack as two bigger guys followed me into the box. They instructed me to take my jacket off and I hesitated but the moment they moved closer to assist me I took it off and handed it to them. I kicked my shoes off and they even wanted my socks so I gave them those too before they asked for my jeans. I looked over at my parents and they nodded. I felt my hands shaking horribly as I unbuttoned them and pulled them down before picking them up and handing them to one of the guys. I knew what they wanted next and I was terrified to take it off.

"Shirt." He said simply and I froze once more.

"C-can I please leave this on?" I whispered hoping only they could hear me. The fogged glass of the box only came up to my waist and I knew the moment I took the shirt off I would be like a freak on display.

"No sir you must take it off. You can do it or we can." I knew he meant business but he watched as my hands shook at the bottom of my shirt. I pulled it over my head slowly and tried hard not to blink and let tears escape as handed it to them. I couldn't meet my parents gaze but the first one I caught when I looked up was Clare's. She looked…horrified. There I stood with deep gashes, scabs and scars all over my chest and arms with faded bruises from my tormenters. I stood shaking before looking over at Nurse Kim with utter hatred.

"Satisfied?" I seethed through clenched teeth. She gave me a sadden smile and patted her own wrists.

"The bracelets too." I couldn't believe her. I was already standing like a freak in a cage and now she wanted to make it worse? I ripped them off and threw them before holding my bandaged wrists up.

"Did you want the bandages too!" I shouted making her sigh and signal to the men that stood near me. I hadn't realized that one of them was holding a syringe until her started moving closer.

"Whoa what are you doing?" Bullfrog asked suddenly and I was hoping he would save me as I backed into one of the big guys only to be grabbed and held tightly.

"Dad! DAD! GET OFF OF ME!" I shouted as I was stuck in the arm with the needle and felt a burning liquid rush through my veins. I watched Cece and Bullfrog argue with the nurse and Clare continued to gaze at me in fear as I went limp in the man's arms and fell asleep.

**[Clare's POV]**

Watching Eli go limp as they put new clothes onto his damaged body broke my heart. He was so scared and I knew as they removed his necklace and rings that the moment he woke up he would know and panic. The nurse explained that such methods are used to start patients fresh. When he wakes up he would have to face his problems alone and that's when his treatments would start. He wasn't allowed to have any visitors but Cece and Bullfrog would get calls from his doctors only however things had become so tense between them and I, I wasn't quite sure how to approach them to ask. The car ride back was silent and they dropped me off at my house without a word. The moment I shut the front door my mom looked at me pitifully as I walked over to her and cried into her arms.

"He was so scared mom and I couldn't do anything to help." I sobbed as she rubbed my back and held me close.

"There's nothing you can do sweetheart. Eli has to do this on his own." She reminded me and I nodded wiping at my face. Watching him fight so hard not to cry in front of me made my chest lurch because I could tell the moment his dimples tensed that he was fighting it.

"You need to focus on you right now and when Eli comes home see where it goes from there. He's strong Clare. Just give him this time to himself to get better." I sighed heavily into my mom as she brushed my hair off my face and I nodded.

I called Alli and asked her if she would come over and take my mind off of things but even her ranting and raving about the current drama in her life couldn't get Eli off my mind.

"Clare…if you are going to be spaced out like this until he gets out then we are going to have to throw ourselves into something." Alli sighed and I looked over at her.

"What do you mean?" I asked uninterested and Alli's face lit up.

"I've got it! Let's plan a party!" Alli said with way too much excitement.

"I'm not really in the mood to plan a party Alli." I said huffing and she thought for a moment and then jumped again.

"How about we plan something special for Eli's coming home. Sort of like a welcome home party?" Alli squealed.

"Eli isn't much for parties, plus that could be a little awkward considering of where he's coming home from." I said stating the obvious.

"Come on Clare. You can't sit here and pine for Eli until he comes home. Plus maybe a little gathering will bring some normalcy to his life for his big return." I knew Alli was trying every angle to convince me to make this work and I shook my head knowing she wouldn't stop until I caved.

"Fine but nothing too big and it can't be all about him. I know he doesn't like to be the center of attention." I said and she squealed once more before jumping up and down.

"This is going to be so much fun. You'll have to help! I'm thinking something casual at Above The Dot." Alli opened up her notebook and started brainstorming ideas. I had to laugh at her enthusiasm but for just one moment I thought about how nice it would be to hold Eli's hand at that party.

**[Eli's POV]**

I woke up with a jump and didn't know where I was at first. I was in a bed and wearing clothes that weren't mine and I realized my rings were gone. I felt for my chain and it too was gone. That's when my anxiety started to kick in but it was quickly stunned by a voice.

"They'll give them back when you leave." There was a girl sitting in the bed on the other side of the small room reading a Stephen King novel while it rest on her knees.

"Where am I?" I asked rubbing at my head. The girl tilted her head to the side and furrowed her eyebrows.

"What did they snatch and grab you or something?" She questioned and I rolled my eyes.

"I know where I am but WHERE am I?" I asked again as I started to feel my body ache.

"Well depending on what you're in for this is your new home." She shut her book and smiled.

"W-who are you?" I asked taking in her appearance. She had long, dark brown hair with electric blue streaks throughout it and dark eye makeup that made her gray eyes stand out.

"I'm your roommate but don't worry I won't like slit your throat in the night or pull out your hair." She joked grinning widely but something about her demeanor made me keep my guard up.

"Good to know." I rubbed the back of my neck and winced in pain.

"It's the drugs they stuck you with. They are supposed to paralyze you long enough for them to de-threat you. Your muscles will ache for a few hours but you'll be fine after that." She explained and I looked at her.

"De-threat? Who could I possibly hurt with my rings and necklace?" I asked sarcastically.

"There was a girl a year ago who killed herself by swallowing costume jewelry the side of a half dollar. Needless to say they aren't taking chances anymore. We're lucky to have rubber bands." She snapped the thin rubber band that she had on her wrist.

"Why the hell would anyone swallow costume jewelry?" I asked not really aware of what I was actually asking.

"Asks the boy who slit his wrists? Someone's of to a great start of calling the kettle black." She stood up and I snorted.

"Don't judge me, you don't even know me." I said harshly and she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Well you don't know any of us so don't be so quick to judge. Her name was Kelly by the way and she was in here because she killed her best friend in a drinking and driving accident. The guilt made her hate herself and sometimes when you're in here you are just that desperate." She explained and I suddenly felt remorseful.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm not so great with the whole social scene." I said daring a glance but she just smiled.

"I can tell...I'm Andi. Suicidal basket case." She extended her hand and I took it.

"Eli. Screwed up on every level." I shook her hand and stood up.

"Well I guess it's obvious what you're in for." She held up my hand and the bandaged still remain intact.

"Yeah...I guess it is." I dropped my head and she looped her arm into mine.

"Don't be so down on yourself. We all have our own little issues. I'll give you the grand tour." Andi drug me out of the room and I could feel my muscles loosen as I walked with her. I started to get familiar with the building and what all the rooms were used for just before entering the common room. It was filled with mostly girls with the exception of one other male who appeared to be passed out in a chair.

"Okay so these people will be in our group sessions. That over there is Brittany, she is our resident bulimic. I'm pretty sure the entire world could tell her that 95 pounds is a twig but all she sees is elephant." The girl she pointed sat on the couch picking at her finger nails but the bones in her arms looked as though they barely had skin on them.

"Anna is the aggressive pyro. She was beat up by her dad most of her life but what finally set her over the edge was when she caught her boyfriend cheating on her with her best friend and set his house on fire. Turns out it would have been just arson if they weren't still in it when it burned down." She gave me wide eyes and I nodded. I would try and avoid any exchanges with Anna.

"That over there is Amber. She's the self-harmer. Her family verbally abused her until she was 10 and then left her on the streets so she's got some pretty bad abandonment issues." I looked at the girl's strange attire as she wore a beanie much like Adam's and mittens that were velcroed at the wrist.

"What's with the hat and gloves?" I whispered and she turned her head so that her cheek rested against mine in order to whisper back.

"She's a hair puller and scratcher so they keep her hands covered to keep her from doing it and the hat is to cover the open wounds on her scalp from pulling the chunks of hair out." She pulled back and I nodded as we continued.

"Kate is the quiet one. She was molested by her family until she was 12 then put in the foster care system where she just so happened to get placed with like the Manson family of foster parents. We literally spend 3 hours in silence when it's her turn in group. It's actually quite relaxing I think." Andi patted Kate on the shoulder as we passed by a girl who was staring out of the window, rocking back and forth in her chair and talking to herself.

"That's Monica. She had a real shitty run of it. Brother was killed in high school, parents got divorced, and kids teased her mercilessly. I think she's the only one who's tried to kill herself 6 times and hasn't succeeded yet." I looked at Andi shocked.

"6 times? Wow." I was surprised. I knew what it felt like to want to die and to even take measures in trying to kill myself but I don't know if I could go through that failure 6 times.

"Yeah she became pretty close with Kelly and they had their own secret language but now that she's gone none of us understand what the hell she's saying half the time." Andi pulled me along as we made our way back down the big hallway to our room.

"So…what are you here for?" I asked breaking the silence.

"I haven't decided whether I want to share just yet. Let me get to know you first and we'll see." She smirked at me and I returned it.

"Okay, thanks for the tour." I said as she opened the door to our room. When she didn't follow me in I turned around quickly.

"Where are you going?" I asked sounding slightly desperate.

"You didn't actually think I was your room mate did you? No, I was just looking for a quiet place to read and my roommate smells like socks and cabbage. You actually are roommate free. Lucky you." She smiled but I felt a since of anxiety creeping up on me at the thought of being in that room alone the whole night. She put her hand on my arm snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Relax, they will come by in about an hour to distribute the sleeping aid. It'll knock you right out." She patted my shoulder and I nodded as she started down the hallway.

"W-will I see you later?" I asked curiously making her turn back around but continue to back down the hallway.

"In your dreams Eli, in your dreams." She winked at me before spinning back around and rounding the corner. I walked back to my bed and sat down. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was really starting to get the best of me. It felt like time was passing as slowly as the sun went down through the barred windows behind my bed. I started to wonder what Adam was doing and if Clare was okay. I wondered if she would still look at me the same after my stay here or if making something work between us was just pointless. The thought of living without her in my life pained me but I knew that if I didn't go through this and get better than I would never be able to accept being friends with her let alone lovers. Finally someone tapped on the door and shook me from my thoughts.

"Eli Goldsworthy? It's medicine time." A girl that looked in her early twenties stood pushing a cart full of Dixie cups and I got up to take them. She reached under the cart and held out a blanket.

"A friend of yours wanted you to have this…just in case you need something extra." She nodded for me to take it and I took the bulky blanket knowing full well it was already warm enough without it. I tossed the pills back and she checked my mouth before shutting my door and locking it. I looked at the blanket she had given me and saw a piece of paper stuck between it. I unfolded the blanket and found the familiar Stephen King book under the piece of paper. It read:

_Eli,  
Just in case you need a security blanket, give this a read. I find it puts even the craziest of thoughts to bed. Sweet Dreams ;) –A_

I flipped the book over and saw that it was The Shinning. I laughed for the first time since I've been here and propped the blanket behind my head as I lay back on the bed. I cracked the book open and started to read as I felt my eyes grow heavy.

**[Clare's POV]**

Getting through the first few days has been rough but Adam was getting status reports from Bullfrog that he was handling the transition well. He had started group therapy and passed a psych evaluation enough to receive certain privileges like writing utensils which I knew was great because writing was a definite escape for Eli. He would be able to handle anything if he could put his thoughts on paper. Alli and I had gotten permission to have a little get together at the Above The Dot and I was relieved when people were buzzing about that rather than Eli being committed. There were a few kids who tried to vandalism his locker again but Sav managed to put a stop to it pretty quickly along with putting Godly fear in them about the price of bullying. I had gotten one person from each of Eli's classes to let me copy the notes in order for him to be able to catch up when he returned so doing that and my own work on top of planning this party was really helping to keep my mind off of things. I was now sitting in the library with books and papers scattered all over one study table that was big enough for at least four people but I was hogging the whole thing. I was just now finishing Eli's history study guide when someone set a cup of coffee in front of me.

"You look like you need a pick me up." I looked up and Fitz stood there smiling down at me.

"T-thanks. I'm pretty sure there's a no food rule in here though." I said with a sigh of exhaustion. He sat down in front of me and folded his arms in front of him.

"Considering you're the only one in here after 4:00, I think it's safe." He confirmed that I was alone but I had suspected that when I didn't hear any movement throughout the library. He picked up one of the sheets and I snatched it back out of instinct.

"Sorry…just wanted to see what you were working so hard on." Fitz put his hands up and I rubbed the bridge of my nose.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just stressed. My head is all over the place these days." I picked up the coffee and sipped it.

"Well let me help. I'm not the smartest guy but I can try." Fitz offered and I bit my lip.

"It's…it's not my work that I'm working on." I said looking at him hesitantly. He looked down at the sheets and sighed disappointed.

"Eli's." He said simply.

"I don't want him to fall too far behind. When he gets back-" Fitz cut me off.

"Are you sure that's even a good idea? Him coming back here? I mean look at all the crap that's happened since he came back from the first attempt." Fitz said and I sat up straight in my chair.

"He's getting real help this time. He's getting better." I defended and he looked at me sadly.

"Clare…maybe Eli isn't the guy you thought he was." Fitz said making me hit the table with my hands.

"Look if you are here to judge like everyone else then you can just leave. I can do this on my own." I picked up my pencil as he stared at me for a few moments. He let out a sigh before picking up one of the closed books and grabbed the sheet off the top of it.

"That's my homework." I said letting him know and he looked at me before putting one of his hands on top of mine.

"Look Clare, I get what you're doing and you know I'd never judge you. I'm here to help but not him. I care about you so I'll do what I can to help you and you can do what you think is right in order to help him." Fitz's words gave me comfort and I smiled before putting my hand over his.

"Thank you Fitz…for caring so much about me." I said making him smile.

"Let's get to work. I barely passed Grade 10 so you will have to double check all of this anyway." Fitz joked and I giggled before going back to Eli's work.

**[Eli's POV]**

I had passed the tests from my private therapy sessions which meant I was suitable for group therapy and certain amenities but the one thing on my mind was where Andi had gone. I hadn't seen or heard from her since my first day and I couldn't ask the nurse handing out the meds because they changed every night. I had showered and headed back to my room to change into my now bright attire which consisted of gray sweat pants and a gray t-shirt with a matching hospital wrist band making me look officially like a psycho. I had left my clean clothes in my room again on purpose. It seemed like every time I took my clothes into the shower someone would take them so I decided to just get dressed back in my room. When I opened the door Andi had turned around quickly looking surprised.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked confused as she stomped her foot.

"Well I was trying to enjoy a smoke but you startled me so I dropped it out the window." She said annoyed before putting the plastic plant back in the window frame.

"So why do you come in here to smoke?" I asked walking over to my bed and pulling my robe tighter around me.

"This used to be my room on my first stay here. There's a small hole in the glass." She lifted the pot and showed me before sitting it back down and plopping down on the vacant bed I once found her in.

"Where have you been the last few days? I haven't seen you anywhere?" I asked picking up my boxers and turning away from her to pull them on with my robe still on.

"Aw were you looking for me?" She teased and I turned back to her with a glare making her laugh.

"I got in trouble for smoking so I was on room lockdown but I'm out now. What did I miss?" She laid back and propped herself on her elbows as I looked down at my clothes ready to put them on.

"I got my clearance to have writing materials. I start group therapy tomorrow." I said grabbing the back of my neck.

"That's good. Something told me you were an artist and who doesn't love talking about their issues in a group setting?" She joked still staring at me. I nodded and she sat up.

"Does my presence here affect you from putting your clothes on? I mean something tells me you aren't 600 pounds overweight or rocking a really embarrassing tramp stamp so-" I cleared my throat to cut her off.

"I-I have scars." I said not making eye contact. She snorted and stood up.

"We all have scars. Here check some of mine out." She lifted the left side of her shirt and a long scar was on her side.

"I had my appendix removed." She joked and I shook my head.

"I'm serious." I looked at her as I put my arms around myself feeling really insecure. She stared at me making my anxiety start to flare up before she reached the bottom of her shirt and pulled it over her head. She had a long sleeved white shirt underneath of the gray one I also had to wear and she pulled that one over her head next leaving her in just a black bra.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I looked away and she stepped closed to me.

"I'm showing you my scars." She said confidently. I slowly looked back at her and tried not to stare at her chest but the moment she turned her arms out you could see a long scar that ran down both the inside of her arms.

"How…how did you get them?" I asked as she looked down at them herself.

"I reached my BP and wanted the quickest way out so I took two of my father's collector knives puncture the skin and drug them down. I lost over 75% of my blood and was dead for 10 minutes before they brought me back." She explained and I looked at her eyes.

"BP?" I asked confused.

"Breaking point. You'll find out what your BP is in tomorrow's therapy. Apparently it's the one thing or person that is responsible other than you for why you are…the way you are." She smiled sarcastically. I looked back at the bed and pulled my pants on before hesitantly taking my robe off and turning back to her. I was expecting her eyes to go as wide as saucers and tell me what a freak I was but she didn't. She didn't even flinch.

"Something tells me you already know who your BP is." She said moving her hand to go to my chest but I backed away. She put her hands up instantly and stepped back.

"Sorry. Too soon." She said as my anxiety started to win and I began shaking.

"Calm down Eli. Look I'm turning away now so put your shirt on." She turned around and I pulled my shirt over my head before starting to do my breathing exercises. Andi turned back to me and she now had pulled her shirts back on as she watched me try to fight through a panic attack.

"Okay this is my fault so let me fix it." She said stepped closer but I put my shaky hands up.

"N-no just…I'll be okay." I said trying to breathe.

"Just…shut up." She didn't hesitate as she closed the space between us and gripped either side of my face before kissing me full on the mouth. My eyes were open and looking at her. I felt her tongue run along the inside of my lower lip before she pulled away from me. I kept my eyes on her stunned as to what had just happened. My lips were tingly and I could taste the residue from her cigarette.

"See…no more shakes." She said with a smile as I kept my eyes on her.

"That was your big cure? Coping a feel?" I asked sounding almost disgusted and she laughed.

"You wish. It's the nicotine. You have nerve endings in your gums so the moment the nicotine sank in your nerves were calmed. Anxiety is chilled and you won't get cancer." She informed making look at her strangely before letting out a laugh.

"Has anyone ever told you that you are-" I started but she cut me off.

"Eccentric?" She guessed only make me laugh again.

"Something like that." I shook my head at her before glancing at my hands to see that they really weren't shaking anymore.

"Oh and I'll have you know that I wouldn't cop a feel on you…you aren't really my type." She said as she walked over to the door as I put my hand to my hurt in mock pain.

"How will I go on?" I joked as she opened the door.

"One day at a time." She smiled.

"Hey Andi- Thanks." I added making her look back and nodding.

"You know, someday you will have to learn to accept your scars Eli. They are a part of you and in order to accept yourself you've got to accept your scars too." Andi's words were sincere as she shut the door behind her. I picked up the notebook and pencil I was given and did something I hadn't done in, what seemed like forever.

I started writing.

**[Clare's POV]**

I waited alone at the lunch table as Adam appeared to be running late. I hadn't really been spending much time with him outside of having lunch together because of how busy I was with everything. I checked my phone just as he plopped down in front of me, startling me and smiled out of breath.

"Sorry I just got off the phone with Bullfrog. He's a chatty one." Adam joked as he started in on his lunch.

"Well! How is he? Is he doing okay? Does he hate it there?" I started bombarding Adam with questions and he put his hands up.

"Clare, get a hold of yourself." He said trying to get me to calm down.

"Sorry, I'm just worried about him." I said biting the inside of my cheek. Adam looked at me oddly before sipping his juice.

"Maybe you are worrying too much. He's doing fine. He made it through the first week just fine. They said his anxiety is even doing really well. Sleep is a struggle but he's never been much of a sleeper anyway so that's nothing new." Adam took a bite of his pizza and I felt relieved.

"That's great news. It's such a relief." I felt a weight lift off my chest as Adam chewed.

"Yeah they said it's actually his day for group therapy so they will talk about his PB or BP or something. Something about the bad people in his life or some psychobabble." Adam's words creeped into my thoughts and I looked at him.

"The bad people in his life? What could those letters mean, like Bad People?" I asked trying not to sound frantic again.

"I'm pretty sure it was like Breaking Point or something. They are going to talk about who else is responsible for him being in there I guess." I felt like crying all of the sudden and I put my face in my hands to try and collect myself.

"Clare…are you…crying?" Adam asked and I lifted my head.

"I'll be fine." I sobbed. Adam looked around at the people now staring at me.

"Come on." Adam got up and pulled me outside to the courtyard so I could get some fresh air.

"Clare what is with you? It's like you are an emotional wreck these days." Adam said looking at me. I sat down at one of the picnic tables and let out a heavy breath.

"He's going to hate me when he gets out of there. They will convince him that I'm the problem and he will never want to see me again." I said as tears streamed down my face. Adam looked at me bewildered.

"What? Are you serious? Clare, Eli loves you but he's got to do this on his own. Think of all the other people that pushed him over the edge with the bullying and the Declan thing-" Adam tried to comfort me but I shook my head.

"He wrecked his car because of me. He slit his wrist because of me…because I was horrible to him. I'm the reason Eli is where he is and there's no getting around that…I ruined the boy I love." I looked down at my hands and Adam knelt down in front of me taking my hands.

"Listen to me, the things that happened between you two- yeah they were messed up and you guys have had an unconventional relationship since day one but Clare, when you got Eli he was already broken. That wasn't your fault. You need to stop all of this obsessing and breathe because in another week he will be back and you can't expect him to be around you if you yourself are a mess." Adam squeezed my hands and I looked at him.

"But what if…what if he's better off without me?" I asked honestly and Adam smiled.

"Clare Edwards, you are the sweetest, most genuinely kind hearted and intelligent person I've ever met but you can be awfully stupid sometimes." Adam smiled and I chuckled.

"Thanks Adam. I just need to remember to breathe. You'll remind me more often won't you?" I asked jokingly as he stood up.

"Hey, I'm around to nag for a reason." Adam pulled my up to my feet and hugged me. I wiped my tears away and took a long, deep breath before pulling myself together. I was glad that Adam was still one of my best friends. I'd go crazy without him.

**[Eli's POV]**

I sat awkwardly in a chair in the middle of a circle of the people I once met with Andi while she sat off to my left trying not to laugh at me. It wasn't my first day in group but it was my first time being put on the spot. I looked down at my hands as I felt about 8 sets of eyes on me practically boring holes into my skin.

"Eli we could sit here all day in silence but it won't help you get better." Doctor Lisa said. She was younger but she seemed to apparently know just what to say to make you feel less alone or so I thought from the sessions before mine.

"Seriously, we will sit here all day and stare at you so please…spit it out." Andi spoke up and I looked at her. She gave me a reassuring nod and I sighed.

"I'm not sure where I'm supposed to start." I spoke up and looked over at Dr. Lisa.

"Let's start with why you're here." I immediately looked down at my bandages and started to pick at them.

"Well things have been rough for me at school and I've been trying to move on and my gir- I mean my ex-girlfriend and I have been trying to work on a friendship but I caught her making out with my biggest enemy and I sort of lost it. We had a brief exchange but I had decided ignoring her was the best way to go when my best friend said I should just work through it. But one thing led to another and someone posted a mock journal entry on my hate site-" Andi's feet hit the floor and I looked up at her as she stopped me.

"Whoa whoa whoa, hate site? Why do you have a hate site?" She asked.

"I killed the school golden boy by accident and people hate me now." I explained and she looked at me strangely.

"H-how did you accidentally kill him?" Amber asked in disbelief.

"I was trying to forget about my ex-girlfriend so I was going to crash my hearse but I ended up killing someone who is really well known in the process." I said and she rolled her eyes.

"So far all I hear is that you've tried to kill yourself twice because of your ex-girlfriend. Could you be any more of a cliché emo kid?" Anna spat and I whipped my head towards her.

"Yeah well no one fucking asked you." I seethed and she sat up straight ready to fire back.

"Shut up Anna. Let him tell his story, damn." Andi spoke up and I looked over at her as she glared at Anna. Anna backed down and I Andi nodded for me to continue.

"Clare was the first girl I let in after I lost Julia. Julia was the first girl I ever loved. She was my first everything. First love, first sexual experience…and first death. She…she was hit by a car and was killed…I still feel like it was my fault because I ran her off but everyone tells me it wasn't. If I hadn't said some of those things that night…I don't know. I just feel like the root of my craziness is because I lost her." I explained and Dr. Lisa wrote on her notepad.

"Did Clare know about Julia when you started dating?" She asked.

"Yeah I pulled away at first but she pressed me to know why I was pulling away so eventually I had to tell her. But she stuck around. I will never understand why though. The closer Julia's death anniversary got, the more I started to pull Clare in. I didn't want to let her out of my site. There was a school bully who had it out for me and almost stabbed me at a school dance who suddenly found God and decided that Clare was his God given angel but all I could think was that he wanted to take the one girl I loved more than anything away from me…so I started freaking out." I started biting the inside of my cheek and Dr. Lisa flipped the page of her notepad.

"What led up to the morning you decided to end it for the second time?" She asked and I couldn't really look up from my bandages.

"I had been seeing a therapist since the accident and they require me to keep a journal and someone wrote up a mock version of something I wrote and bashed Clare. So she came up to me…h-hit me and started telling me how much of a horrible person I was and how I should just go to hell and leave her alone." I stayed quiet for a moment.

"How did that make you feel?" She asked and I shook my head. It was a stupid question but I could feel all the raw emotions just remembering looking up at the anger on her face as she told me off.

"Like I had no reason to be here torturing myself anymore. I had lost Julia, killed someone, lost the trust of my parents and friends, was tormented daily and the last person in the world I just wanted to love me hated me just breathing the same air as her. I wanted to do her the service and just get out of her everyone's way." I trailed off towards the end and tucked some of my hair behind my ear.

"You know what this means don't you?" Andi's voice made me look up and I shrugged.

"Clare is your BP. She is the reason you are here…the reason you hate yourself." I shook my head violently.

"No, Clare's a good person. She just couldn't handle my craziness." I defended and Dr. Lisa sighed.

"Why do you think you're crazy Eli?" She asked me and I laughed.

"Look at me. I'm a fucking mess. What kind of sane person cuts into their wrists or crashes a car on purpose? What kind of person uses sharpened scissors on their body to escape mental and emotional pain by turning to physical pain?" I questioned and she frowned at me sadly.

"Someone who hates themselves." I looked up at her and bit my lip. It stayed quiet for a few moments before Kate started screaming startling me but apparently everyone else was used to it. Dr. Lisa got up and tried to talk her down but when she couldn't she had to dismiss us.

"Good work Eli. You are making great progress." She shouted over Kate's screaming as I walked out of the room and back towards my room. I felt someone loop their arm into mine and I smile slightly when I saw it was Andi.

"You didn't think you were off the hook that quickly did you?" Andi walked next to me and I shrugged.

"I guess you think I'm pretty pathetic huh." I said and she laughed.

"Hardly but I want you to keep in mind, admitting Clare is your BP doesn't mean she's a horrible person. It just means she's your weakness and that can be normal consider you love her and it can also be extremely bad BECAUSE you are in love with her." Andi explained.

"All I want is to be with her again but…" I stopped as we got to my door and Andi leaned against it.

"But you're scared one of these days you'll snap her neck." I looked at her wide eyed.

"What? No! That's not it-" She laughed and stopped me.

"Not like that you dunce. Of Mice And Men syndrome. You're afraid that one day you will hold onto her so tightly she will end up being the one who gets hurt." She explained and I let out a breath.

"Yeah, something like that. I know I still love her I just don't trust myself loving her as much as I love her, you know?" I said and Andi smiled.

"Yeah I know but you have a little over a week to sort it out." I opened the door and looked at her.

"Will you...will you help me?" I asked and she smirked.

"I suppose I could. What are friends for?" She winked at me as she pushed past to walk into my room. I couldn't help but chuckle as I turned back to her and shut the door behind me.

**[Clare's POV]**

The last few days I spent working on school work with Fitz, planning this party with Alli and getting constant updates from Adam about how Eli was doing. They were mostly vague but they kept me going between all the other hectic things I found myself doing to get ready for his return home. I had spent all night studying for a science test with Fitz and came out of my class with a huge smile on my face as I flashed my big red A at him. He hugged me tightly and picked me up.

"I knew you could do it!" He said into my hair as I laughed.

"Not without your help. You are seriously a lifesaver Fitz. I couldn't have done it without you helping to de-stress and de-clutter my brain." I kissed his cheek and he blushed.

"You know I'm always here for you Clare. Anything you need." Fitz looked down at me and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me but Alli cleared her throat.

"Don't let me interrupt." She said with a smile as she crossed her arms over her chest. Fitz gave her a small smile before looking back at me.

"I guess I should go. I'll see you tonight though to set up for this weekend?" Fitz started to back down the hallway and I smiled.

"7. Above The Dot. See you there." I said and he laughed as he walked away. I felt Alli staring at me and I looked at her.

"Don't give me that look. Come on, we need to meet Adam for lunch." I grabbed her arm and she laughed.

"So you and Fitz…" she started and I shook my head.

"No such thing. He just helped me get through this last week and half without Eli. That's it." I said and Alli sighed.

"You know, you don't have to be with Eli right? You don't like owe him anything." I looked at her.

"I…I know that. I love Eli though. I don't love Fitz. He's just a good friend." I explained and Alli just kept staring.

"But you've never really given Fitz a chance. What if your super obsession with Eli is keeping you from experiencing what every teenage girl is entitled to in high school?" She asked and I sneered as we walked into the lunchroom.

"And what's that?" I asked sitting down.

"Dating. Not everyone needs to fall head over heels in love and marry that guy. Live a little Clare. Kissing more than one boy is fine. Who's to say Eli's not kissing a bunch of cr-" Alli stopped what she was saying as I gave her a look and she looked embarrassed. Just before I could lay into her Adam plopped down next to me.

"Hey guys. I can't talk long but Eli is doing great. Cece said he managed to make a breakthrough in group and even learned a few new techniques for when his anxiety gets out of control." Adam said with a huge smile. I was so happy to hear that.

"That's great. I'm glad he's doing so well. I can't wait to see him Friday." I said bouncing in my seat.

"Friday? I thought that party thing wasn't until Saturday?" Adam said scrunching his eyebrows together.

"Well…it is. I just thought I would go see him when he gets home." I said and Adam made a face at me.

"I don't know. I think you should let him get settled in. Let him spend some time on his own with Cece and Bullfrog before bombarding him." Adam said acting as though he knew something I didn't.

"I didn't want to bombard him. I just wanted to see him. What aren't you telling me?" I asked and Adam looked anywhere except at me.

"He's going to be having some company when he comes home… he made a friend and they get out the same day so he will probably spending his time with them." Adam said and I laughed.

"Well I'm not completely embarrassing Adam. I think I could hang out with him and his friend." I said nonchalantly.

"Her name is Andi." Adam said quickly and Alli's eyes went wide as I tried to comprehend.

"Wait, hold the phone. Eli met a girl in the loony bin and is bringing her home to meet mom and dad?" Alli said and Adam gave her a nasty look.

"That's my best friend you're talking about!" Adam stood up and I looked up at him.

"Adam please…tell me about this girl." I asked and he looked annoyed but Alli stayed quiet.

"All I know is that her name is Andi and that Cece said Eli spoke very highly of her. She…she's been helping him deal and figure out how to deal with his BP." Adam didn't meet my eyes again and I gulped.

"What is it?" I asked watching his eyes flicker to mine for a moment.

"It doesn't matter-" He tried to shake it off but I stopped him.

"Adam…what is it?" I asked once more watching him sigh and sit back down at the table putting his arms on it.

"You. You are his breaking point, Clare. But he's dealing with it the best way he can." I felt my heart quake in my chest as I nodded. Adam got up and moved around to sit next to me.

"He's getting better Clare. That doesn't mean he's going to forget about all the good that you brought into his life." Adam put his hand on my back and I tried to hold it together. I took a deep breath when my phone went off.

"I-uh I have to take this." I jumped up quickly and walked out of the lunchroom running right into someone's chest.

"Hey…Clare? Hey what's wrong?" It was Fitz. He looked at me concerned as I refuse to let my feelings crash down on me.

"I'm okay. I'll be fine. I just need a minute." Fitz escorted me to a bench and kept me close to his side as we sat down. He rubbed my arm and cooed into my hair as I took deep breaths to fight the pain in my chest. I finally managed to keep myself calm enough to look at him and he looked genuinely concerned.

"Are you okay?" He asked tucking some of my hair behind my ear. He was so sweet to me all the time but it's like I could never give him a chance.

"I'm fine. I just needed a minute to pull myself together." I ran my hand through my hair and Fitz looked at me sadly in silence.

"The funny thing is, I think I'm actually losing my mind waiting for him to come home." I knew Fitz knew who I was talking about as he sighed.

"You're smarter than that. You just have a lot of emotions riding on one moment and it's stressing you out." Fitz said catching my attention.

"One moment? What do you mean?" I asked and he shifted his body a little.

"You are trying to make everything perfect for his return but you are tearing yourself apart trying to prepare yourself for the one moment you see him face to face again. If you can't just be you and be enough then maybe…" Fitz trailed off and I kept staring.

"Maybe what?" I asked and he looked at me.

"Maybe you should move on? You are killing yourself to be perfect for someone who is unpredictable. What if all of this is for nothing?" Fitz proposed and I let out a defeated breath.

"I have to keep believing that it's for something or…or it's going to break my heart all over again. I know things are…weird with us and I'm sorry but I'm in love with Eli. If someday things don't work out then maybe we could test the waters but I can't promise you anything. Do you understand that?" I put my hand on top of his and he nodded.

"I just want you to be happy Clare." I could tell his jaw was tensed but he remained calm. I gave his hand a squeeze before giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you Fitz. I can always count on you." I smiled at him and he smiled back but quickly stole a kiss on the lips before pulling away.

"I'm sorry! Sorry! Please don't be mad." He said quickly and I laughed.

"It's okay. A little kiss between friends is encouragement. No big deal." I said with a smile before giving him a hug.

"You're the best." I said into his neck as he held me tightly.

**[ELI'S POV]**

I sat in the middle of the group once more. I had been doing therapy all week and group sessions and today was my last day. I was now wearing my normal clothes, rings, chain and all. I was not only happy to be going home but happy to get my life off the ground. Andi had gotten out a day early so I was itching to finish my last session and get home so we could meet up for the first time outside of the white walls. I honestly don't think I could have made it through these past two weeks without her.

"Well Eli this is it. Do you think you are ready?" Dr. Lisa asked me with a smile and I returned it.

"I really feel like I am." She looked relieved to hear it as she took in my demeanor.

"I think if you keep up your regular therapy sessions and your journals and be sure to practice your techniques, you will do wonderfully. I'm very pleased with your progress Eli. I hope you keep waking up every day and doing what we practiced." She made a few notes and I laughed.

"I am. I wake up every morning and tell myself that I'm not crazy and that my scars are a part of me." I said confidently looking at my now unbandaged wrists. They were scabbed up now but I was wearing my bracelets over them so I wouldn't keep touching them. I was snapped from my thoughts when someone knocked on the door.

"Mr. and Mrs. Goldsworthy are here. It's time to go, Eli." Kim popped her head in and I stood up and felt my legs shaking a bit. I hadn't seen Cece and Bullfrog since check in and I hoped they didn't look as terrified as they did when they last looked at me.

"Thank you, for everything." I turned around and shook Dr. Lisa's hand and she smiled.

"You are very welcome. Just remember what you've learned and try and take the next few steps of your recovery slowly. Believe in yourself and your support system." I nodded at her as we walked out of the door. We walked past the common room where the girls sat. I gave a wave but they were all completely out of it anyway. I hoped that someday they would be able to leave this place and feel okay in their own skin. I rounded the corner and the moment I saw them I felt lightness in my chest. They were talking to one another and they looked nervous but as I got closer Cece turned her head and looked at me. They froze as I walked closer.

"Hi Mom…Dad." I gave a nervous smile and Cece looked like she was trying not to cry.

"Babyboy, you look…" She started stepping closer.

"Content? Peaceful? Maybe even a little happy?" I suggested and she let out a laugh as she closed the space between us and wrapped me up in a hug. It knocked the breath out of me as she squeezed me. I could feel my shirt start to dampen from her tears and Bullfrog put his hand on her shoulder pulling her back a bit.

"We missed you kid." Bullfrog put a hand on the back of my neck and I nodded.

"I missed you guys too and I'm ready to come home." Cece smiled at me and Bullfrog did the same.

"We are so proud of you Elijah. It's so nice to see you smile again." Cece gripped the sides of my face.

"I love you guys. I'm sorry to have put you through all the things I have. I promise it's going to be different. I'm ready to move forward." I said confidently. Bullfrog put his arm around my shoulders and Cece took my hand as I took one last glance at Kim at the desk who smiled widely at me before we walked out of the facility.

"I can't wait to go home and sleep in my own bed." I said as the sun hit my face.

"Actually we were hoping to take you to get something to eat. Maybe Little Miss Steaks?" Bullfrog suggested.

"Oh we don't have to go out. It's okay." I said and Cece tucked her arm into mine.

"Well it's not just for you. We'd like to get to know your friend. It was actually her suggestion." Cece said looking away from me. I followed her eyes and saw Andi in dark skinny jeans, a vintage Rolling Stones shirt and her hair pulled up in a high ponytail.

"Hey." I said with a laugh. She leaned off of the car and smiled.

"Hey to you." She seemed more relaxed in her own clothes outside of the hospital.

"I see you are already buttering my parents up." I teased and she laughed.

"What can I say? The Goldsworthy's have a soft spot for corky girls like me." She shrugged and Bullfrog laughed.

"Andi was telling us how you were pacing like a puppy to get out of here." He joked and I gave her a playful glare.

"Andi likes to talk but I think a burger and conversation would be great." I said as we all got into Bullfrog's car and headed to Little Miss Steaks. I didn't think we would be spending so much time there or that I'd even be up to be anywhere except home but Cece and Bullfrog really took to Andi. It wasn't surprising because Andi was a bit of an outcast like the rest of us but she seemed to really get along with Cece which would result in Cece giving me the wiggly eyebrows and dropping hints. When we had finished dinner I told Cece and Bullfrog that we would walk back to the house so we could get some time away from them.

"So your parents are probably the only reason I'd ever consider dating you." She said out of the blue making me laugh out loud.

"I don't know if I should be offended or grossed out but I'm glad you liked them. They seem to like you a lot too." I said sticking my hands in my pockets.

"Yeah your mom practically gave me an open invitation to jump your bones." She said and I looked at her to see if she was serious and I immediately sighed knowing it was true.

"So I take it your parents are the biggest Clare fans huh?" She laughed.

"Not so much these days. They said she has been getting her updates through Adam but after I that night and Cece smacking her things have been really tense. I'm surprised they didn't adopt you on the spot." I joked.

"Well then we couldn't hook up because we'd be siblings you creep." She nudged my arm lightening the mood. Silence fell between us as we walked.

"So what are you going to do about seeing her?" Andi spoke up finally and I glanced at her before looking down at my feet.

"I don't even know at this point. I mean I know where we left things I have to talk to her and tell her how I feel but the setting boundaries part and telling her about my mission for recovery…it's just nerve wrecking to even think about." I kicked some rocks as we walked and Andi put her arm into mine.

"You know you have to tell her or else she will think you are still hung up on Julia. It's part of your treatment. It probably wouldn't hurt to spend some time alone so you know you can do it." Andi said and I nodded.

"Well how long are you going to stick around for? I know you said you wanted to head back to the states to stay with your brother but I'd still like to hang out." I turned toward her as we rounded the sidewalk of my street.

"You can show me around tomorrow, maybe get some coffee or something." Andi suggested and I was quick to nod my head.

"I know the perfect place." I said thinking of The Dot.

"Somebody liiiiikes me." Andi teased me and I shook my head.

"Shut up." I chased her up the sidewalk and she laughed as I grabbed her from behind and picked her up. We laughed for a moment before Andi cleared her throat and tapped my arm from around her waist. I stopped and looked at her as we stood in front of my house.

"Looks like you've got company." I looked where Andi's eyes were and there she was in a blue and green flowered shirt with her denim jacket and a white skirt. Her eyes were focused on my arms around Andi's waist and I pulled them away immediately.

"Clare…what are you-" I started to ask and her eyes snapped up to mine.

"I uh…I wanted to welcome you home." She said timidly glancing over at Andi.

"I'm Cl-" She started to introduce herself and Andi cut her off.

"I know who you are. I've heard a lot about you. You are just how I pictured you." Andi smiled and I studied Clare's face.

"Clare this is my friend Andi. She helped me get through those two weeks of treatment." I said looking from Andi to Clare and back.

"Well I wish I could say I've heard more about you but I guess you just didn't come up in conversation." Clare said giving her best fake smile.

"I supposed not. I have to take off. It was nice meeting you." Andi put up her hand to Clare and she smiled again but it faded when Andi squeezed my hand before leaving. I watched her walk away and turn back to Clare who had her arms crossed over her chest. Her face lightened as it was now just me and her.

"How long have you been here?" I asked her.

"Well I've been by a few times but Bullfrog's car wasn't here so I figured you guys were spending time together so I left and came back…twice." She confessed nervously.

"You should have just called Cece." I said stepping a little closer.

"She still hates me so I didn't want to interfere…you look really good Eli." She smiled at me and I felt a blush creeping over my cheeks.

"Thanks." I said with a smile. She got closer to me and I started to feel a bit of a panic.

"I missed you so much." She wrapped her arms around me and I froze. It was a great feeling but this was against everything I just talked to Andi about.

"Cl-Clare…" She pulled away quickly and scrunched her face up.

"Sorry I forgot about your…scars." She whispered the last bit and I made a face at her. One of the things I'm still working on is to learn to be okay with my scars not to whisper them in conversation.

"Look, I really would love to catch up with you but I'm exhausted. Cece and Bullfrog took Andi and I out for dinner and we walked back so all I want to do is sleep in my own bed." I ran my hand through my hair and Clare looked sad.

"Oh…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I'll just leave you alone." Clare started to walk past me and I grabbed her hand making her turn around.

"Hey, it really is good to see you. We'll talk, I promise. I'm just tired." I didn't want her to think she wasn't important or that I didn't care because I did. It was just a lot to take in. Seeing her always took my breath away and I'm already out of it so it was more than enough to process from just getting out.

"Okay, tomorrow." Clare said with a sigh. I smiled at her and squeezed her hand before dropping it and walking into my house for the first time in what seemed like forever. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

"Home sweet home." I said allowed as I started to trek up the steps to my room.

[Clare's POV]

I thought seeing Eli would make my heart feel so much lighter but I hadn't planned on seeing him like that with some random girl. I felt hurt and betrayed but the moment she was out of sight it felt right. Being there with him felt right but he had been too tired to spend time with me. I didn't expect him to blow me off the next day when he said we could spend time together but all he kept saying was "Tomorrow" Tomorrow was 3 days ago and I was starting to push the pain away and get angry. I was walking through the mall with Alli trying to pay attention to whatever she was saying as we shopped for outfits for tomorrow's big bash at the Above The Dot but all I could think about was Eli.

"You clearly aren't listening to me anymore." Alli laughed and I looked at her ashamed.

"Sorry." I said not really sounding sorry.

"I thought you were supposed to be hanging out with Eli tonight?" Alli asked as she sorted through dresses on a rack.

"He had another appointment today. It's the third time he's given me a rain check and the party is tomorrow. I haven't even had time to tell him about-" Alli grabbed my arm and pulled me behind a large rack of dresses almost knocking me down.

"What the heck Alli?" I rubbed my arm and she put peeked over the rack.

"That must be some appointment." Alli glared at me and I looked at her confused until I glanced over the rack. Eli was sitting on a bench in the food court with Andi laughing and talking.

"But he said...what the hell?" I said angrily.

"So that's Andi. She looks like the female version of Eli. I mean they do know there is such a thing as bright colors right?" Alli commented and I stared at them as he laughed so freely with her. I pulled my knees to my chest and leaned against the rack.

"Maybe he's moved on. Look at the way he smiles with her, It's been forever since I've made him laugh like that." I said sadly and Alli squatted down in front of me.

"Clare, stop this. You know Eli will always have feelings for you. Look at all the guy's done for you." Alli said and I shook my head.

"You mean try to kill himself twice? Yeah I'm a great person to be in love with." I degraded and Alli put her hand on my arm.

"Clare, look at me." I looked up at Alli.

"You've got to stop beating yourself up for that. Eli is older and made those decisions on his own. You weren't driving the car or holding the blade. You've got to stop thinking you were." Alli rubbed my arm and I bit my lip.

"Look at them Alli. He's moved on…and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe she's better for him. They seem to get along really well and have a lot in common." I pointed out and Alli smiled weakly.

"Just because they are two screwed up people doesn't make them soul mates." Alli's words didn't really make me feel better until she took my hands into hers.

"From the few moments that I've thoroughly creeped them I can tell you one thing that sets you apart from Andi." She said confidently.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked curiously.

"The way he looks at her is in no way how he looks at you. I've seen Eli walk the crowded hallways and stare at you like you are the only one in the entire world he sees. You don't look at just any girl like that. You look at the girl you're in love with like she is your world." I peeked through the clothes and watched him for a few moments before looking back at Alli.

"Do you think we've stalked enough for one day?" Alli said with a smile and I returned it.

"I guess. We have a dress to find anyway." Alli pulled me to my feet and we snuck away from Eli and Andi as quickly as we could before we were noticed.

**[Eli's POV] **

I had a therapist appointment at which Andi picked me up afterwards and hung out with me. It was nice to spend the day talking about random things. I found that talking and spending time with Andi made me feel less anxious or on edge. It was a nice feeling. Just as I lay down on my bed my phone started to ring. I looked at the screen and became a bit nervous seeing Clare's name flash across it.

"Hey." I answered.

"Hey, how was your therapy session?" She asked.

"It was good. Finished up early and hung out with Andi. How was your day?" I asked.

"It was…it was good. Alli and I went dress shopping." She said hesitantly.

"School event coming up?" I asked curiously.

"No actually that's why I was calling. You see, I've been busy while you were away. Alli and I sort of planned a little get together in your honor. Nothing too fancy, friends and such at the Above The Dot." I was confused.

"You planned me a party? Since when do I do the party scene?" I asked realizing how rude that sounded.

"Well since when is going to the mall your thing?" Clare's comment made me sigh. She must have seen Andi and me today.

"I didn't lie to you Clare. I had therapy and Andi picked me up afterwards." I explained and she clicked her tongue to her teeth.

"Whatever. Look I worked really hard on something special just for you and it would mean a lot if you could at least stop by. Since you have been so busy lately it would be nice to actually sit down and talk to you." Clare started bitter but finished sincere and I sighed.

"I'm sorry. I will try to come by after dinner with Andi." I said and there was a moment of silence.

"So you're taking her on dates now?" Clare said venomously and I sat up.

"What if I am?" I asked and she snorted.

"Well you just met her Eli. Is that even safe? You barely know her." Clare pointed out and I laughed.

"I have plenty of time to get to know her." I said and Clare sighed.

"Should you really be going on dates right now?" Clare asked and I was tired of arguing with her.

"Why not? I'm single right? I might as well." I realized it was a little harsh and I heard Clare take a breath.

"Look, I'm sorry. That was harsh. I will come by tomorrow. Thank you for planning something for me. It means a lot." I said honestly.

"Have fun on your date tomorrow, Eli. Goodnight." Clare sounded upset before she hung up the phone and I felt like crap. I sat my phone on the nightstand and lay back in my bed. I knew it would be hard to sleep but I tried anyway.

Andi could tell I was distant as we sat in the living room of my house watching TV. Cece and Bullfrog had cooked out with us and then left us alone so we could hang out but in Cece's lingo that means do things most mother's wouldn't want her kid doing. I caught a pillow to the face as I checked my phone once again. Everyone was tweeting about being at the party and Adam had said he really wanted to see me.

"Hey precious if you got a hotter date then me then just say the word and I'll get out of your hair." She teased and I put my phone away.

"It's nothing…It's just…Clare planned some sort of home coming thing for me at the club above The Dot." I said and she smiled.

"Then what the hell are we doing sitting on the couch you loser?" She questioned but my silence gave it away.

"Uh oh…what did you do?" She asked making me put the pillow over my face.

"She doesn't like all the time I'm spending with you and thinks we're dating. I apologize for being harsh with her but I could tell I really upset her by reminding her that I was single and could date whoever I want." I said into the pillow.

"Well look at it this way, how do you feel when you see her with that Fitz guy?" I took the pillow off my face and looked at her.

"Point taken." I glared at her and she scooted closer to me.

"You know that you want Clare. She's all you talk about but for one night why don't you just try being happy and appreciating the fact that she went to all the trouble to plan you something. Maybe this is exactly what you need to test the waters with her? Set the boundaries." Andi said and I glanced at my phone again.

"Will you go with me? I don't want to blow you off and to be honest I think I would have more fun if I had at least you and Adam for support." I asked and she smiled.

"Well who am I to pass up a good party?" She stood up and extended her hand.

"Shall we?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I laughed at her before taking her hand and getting up. We drove to The Dot and I was nervous as we trekked up the steps. Andi had looped her arm into mine and told me to calm down as we pushed through the doors. The room was surprisingly full and people greeted me happily as I proceeded in.

"Hey Eli! Glad to see you're doing better!" Connor said and I nodded at him.

"Um thanks man. I appreciate it." I said before looking around the room.

"Adam is over there and Clare is at the bar with Alli." He pointed and I thanked him before catching Adam's eye.

"HEY!" He yelled before meeting me halfway and engulfing me in a huge hug. It was the first time we had seen each other in almost 3 weeks and it was really good to see my best friend again.

"Man you look less like shit! It's great to see you of humanly coloring and less like Edward Cullen." Adam teased and I punched his arm.

"Sorry I'm late. Andi is slow." Andi hit my arm and Adam looked her up and down.

"Well I've heard a lot about you but not about how cute you were." Andi laughed and took Adam's arm instead of mine.

"Aw I just found my new date." She said hugging Adam's arm. I looked over and spotted Clare talking to Alli.

"She planned this whole thing you know. Everything you see here is for you and because of her." Adam said as I continued to watch her.

"I guess I should thank her then huh?" I said looking over at him before walking over to her. Alli saw me first and said something to make her look at me. She looked surprised but smiled.

"Hey, I didn't think you would show up." She said and I glanced at Alli who took the hint and walked away.

"You did all this for me? Why?" I asked cocking my eyebrow.

"Because…while I've missed you these past few weeks the one thing I've missed more than anything is your smile and that's been gone a lot longer." Clare said looking down at her hands before back up at me. I stepped closer to her and put my hand on top of hers as it rest on the bar.

"Thank you, for everything." I smiled before leaning in and kissing her cheek lightly. She smiled instantly but I watched it drop suddenly and I looked at her confused until I felt someone walk up next to me.

"Andi…what a surprise to see you here." She said moving her hand from under mine and into her lap.

"Well I'm constantly surprising people. It's nice to see you again. You did a kick ass job on this party." Andi said and Clare got up from her stool.

"Yeah thanks. Can you excuse me for a minute? Alli is having boy issues." Clare smiled before giving me a pointed look and walking away. The moment she was out of eye sight Andi hit my arm.

"What the hell? No kissing. Boundaries you moron. You came here to have fun for yourself. Stop rushing things." Andi said and I shook my head out.

"I know sorry. Fun. I can do that." I smiled at her and she laughed.

"Oh God this is going to be a hell of a night I can just feel it." She put her face in her hands and I pushed her towards Adam's direction to start enjoying the party.

**[Clare's POV]**

I watched Eli talk to Andi all night. All the work I put into this party and he was spending it with _her_. I spent most of the night watching him intently as he actually smiled and talked with her as others danced around and played pool. I had stepped out to get a breath of fresh air when I heard the music change and people start to cheer. I walked back inside to see Andi dancing around in the center of the room and Eli sitting in a chair at the table where they were once sitting and laughing now as he shook his head at Andi while she tried to coax him out to the dance floor.

"CLARE! This is SO much fun! Eli's girlfriend is crazy...but in a good way!" Wesley said as he danced around awkwardly before joining the group of people on the dance floor. Andi finally managed to get Eli out of the chair and pulled on the sides of his vest to get him to move around a little. I felt tears testing my eyes but I was so angry as he actually danced around with her. He had some nerve dancing with her right in front of me. All the dances he ruined for me and he was dancing and laughing with his new...whatever she was. I watched in anger the entire song and when it went off she kissed his cheek before walking back over to the table to grab her jacket. I took this as my opportunity and approached him.

"Hey! Are you having fun?" I asked trying to hide my emotions and he clearly I had no clue.

"Yeah it's been great. I'm actually about to head out. Andi and I are going to try and catch the midnight showing of Halloween." Eli smiled at me as he turned his back.

"So...that's...it? You're just going to leave?" I said making him turn around and give me a strange look.

"Um...that was the plan. I'll see you tomorrow." Eli was now joined by Andi and she smiled at me.

"Great party Clare. Thanks for having me." She said zipping her coat.

"Yeah well you weren't invited anyway." I said rudely making Eli's eyes wide.

"Wow, it's definitely time to go now." Eli put his arm behind Andi's back and started across the room and I just lost it.

"AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH...AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED YOU JUST GO OFF AND REPLACE ME!" I screamed making the entire room go quiet. He stopped dead in his tracks and I watched Andi look over at him.

"YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME! YOU SAID WE COULD TRY AND WORK THINGS OUT AND YOU GO OFF AND MEET SOMEONE LIKE...LIKE HER AND FORGET ALL ABOUT ME." My words got Eli to spin around and Andi tried to hold him back as he clenched his jaw.

"You have NO right to bad mouth her. She's my friend!" He said trying not to yell and I laughed.

"Weeks I waited to hear from you, to see you, talk to you, ANYTHING! But since the moment you got back you've spent every waking moment with her. It's like I never even matter to you at all." I felt tears coming again but fought them as he tried to steady his breathing.

"Look Clare, you and I will talk about this later but right now...you're making a scene." Eli said in a clam manner and I was baffled. Here I was freaking out and he had the nerve to say I was making a scene. He turned to walk away and I picked up the tray of glass on the nearest table and threw them on the ground making everyone gasp and him turn back around.

"MAKING A SCENE! YOU ALMOST GET YOURSELF STABBED, CRASH YOUR CAR AND TRY TO KILL YOURSELF AND I'M MAKING A SCENE! DID YOU FORGET ALL OF THAT WHILE YOU WERE SO BUSY FORGETTING ABOUT ME?" I screamed at the top of my lungs clenching my shaking hands but Eli was quick to jerk his arm from Andi and step closer to me.

"I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGET CLARE!" He put his wrists out in front of me when he shouted.

"I have these scars until the day that I die to remind me of all of those things...including you." Eli seethed and gulped hard. My jaw dropped and I was speechless. I knew I was the reason why Eli tried to kill himself but he had never said it to my face until this very moment. Andi walked up behind Eli and pulled on his arm.

"Are you happy now?" He added before following Andi out. I stood there with everyone looking at me until finally I felt someone put a hand on my back.

"Come on Clare." It was Alli. She led me out just as I started to fall apart. A heart that breaks as much as mine does can't possibly still be beating.


	13. If You Can't Hang

**[Eli's POV]**

I sat in the front seat of Andi's car and could feel her eyes boring holes into me as I finished my muffin. After the outburst with Clare, I had decided that I wanted nothing to do with her. I told my parents and my therapist that I didn't want to make things right with her because she would only bring me down and while some of them, mostly Cece felt it was for the best, everyone else thought it was a bad idea.

"You know you can stare all you want but the chances of me looking any differently are pretty slim." I said without looking at her.

"You really think pretending the girl doesn't exist will make things better for you?" Andi sighed and I finally looked at her.

"Did you miss the way she verbally crucified me in front of half the student body? She practically advertised that I was crazy and questioned my feelings for her." I said reminding her of this weekend's events.

"Yeah I know I was there Eli but I mean she doesn't know what's going on with you now. You haven't explained it to her and having me around as a crutch isn't going to make her feel any more needed." Andi said and I glared.

"Do we always have to talk about her? Can't you just drop me off like a normal kiss and ride driver and complain about having to pick me up later?" I said making her roll her eyes.

"You are seriously the world's biggest pain in my ass. Have a good day schnookums." She said playfully as I opened the door and climbed out of her car.

"I'll see you at 4:30. Try not to be a total dick." She called from the window as I started toward the building. I waved at her.

"Hey Goldsworthy!" She yelled again and I looked over my shoulder at her.

"What?" I called back as she leaned over the passenger seat to look at me.

"You are certainly working them khaki pants." She said making me laugh as I turned my body around to face her as I walked backwards.

"Stop checking out my ass you horn dog." I yelled making her laugh before she pulled away. The moment her car pulled away my smile fell flat as I saw Clare was standing on the other side of the car with her arms crossed looking pretty upset. I glanced at her knowing in an instant she had heard the entire exchange Andi and I just had before turning back around and heading inside. I heard people whispering but I didn't let it bother me as I kept walking to the office. The moment Simpson saw me he came out of his office.

"Eli, how are you feeling?" He asked looking me over and I smiled.

"I'm feeling pretty good sir. I'm ready to tackle all the things I missed and finish this year out." I said with a reassured breath.

"Well that's really good. Lucky for you Ms. Edwards made sure to keep on top of your assignments. You shouldn't have a problem at all getting back in the swing of things." He said patting me on the shoulder.

"I'm not sure what you mean?" I wasn't aware Clare was doing anything with my assignments until he reached behind the desk and pulled out a huge folder full of stapled papers and notebook paper neatly placed inside of it.

"Clare kept up with all your assignments and took notes for you. It's amazing how she even had time to keep up with her own Grade 10 work but I guess I shouldn't be too surprised with how advanced she is." He handed me the folder and I skimmed through it looking at the detailed notes she had on certain papers and formulas written out that I don't think even the teachers could have made me comprehend but just on a glance I understood.

"Yeah...she's something else." I said still looking down at the work. I watched Clare and Alli pass in the hallway and I ran out there to catch up with her but Alli was quick to put a hand up at me.

"Can I help you?" She asked with a twisted face.

"I actually need to talk to Clare." I said looking at her and Alli let out a snort but Clare put her hand on her arm pulling her back.

"What do you want?" She asked and I held the folder up.

"You really didn't have to do all of this." I said and she smiled weakly.

"Yeah well I didn't have to plan some stupid party just to have you bring a date either but look how that turned out." She said bitterly.

"Look I don't want to do this with you-" She was quick to cut me off.

"You just want to rub it in my face that I'm a complete idiot? I did all these things for no reason and all I have to show for it is the egg on my face. What's wrong? Andi too cool for school?" Clare's words made me feel slightly guilty but the moment she took a shot at Andi I chuckled.

"Actually she is beyond the drama. Probably explains why I actually like hanging out with her. Thanks for the notes." I held up the papers at her and started back down the hallway as the bell rang.

The day continued this way with Clare running into me constantly making little comments filled with bitter resentment. Adam was even a little surprised but he kept his mouth shut.

"You know she was actually a total wreck while you were away. Maybe if you just talked to her and explain how treatment went and that you and Andi are just friends she will stop with all these drive-by insults." Adam proposed as we sat down at lunch. He had told me Fiona flew back to New York for a week so he was actually sitting with him at lunch this week.

"I shouldn't have to tell Clare every single detail for her to not treat me like shit. I haven't done anything wrong yet. Why should I apologize?" I said as I started to eat my lunch. Adam sighed and I looked over at him.

"You can't ignore her forever." Adam added and I rolled my eyes.

"Now you sound like Andi." I laughed.

"Well she's a smart girl. Maybe you should listen to her." Adam said picking at his food.

"She's taken shots at me all day and you want me to just go up and make a peace treaty with her?" I stopped eating and turned towards him.

"Would that be so bad? I mean how bad could the insults be? This is Clare we are talking about here." Adam said and I chuckled.

"She has made mention of me actually looking like an emo cross dresser. That was my favorite." I said making Adam laugh.

"That's what happens when you break out the eyeliner again. You know it secretly drives her crazy." Adam hit my shoulder and I laughed as I took a drink of my juice.

"Well I see you've chosen a side Adam. Thanks for being such a great friend." Clare walked up to the table and Adam sighed.

"Clare, I'm friends with the both of you." Adam said and I shook my head.

"What? You've got something to say?" She looked at me and I looked at her.

"Nothing you'd want to hear." I started getting up from the table and she crossed her arms over her chest. Something she had come accustom to doing since I've been back. It was kind of cute yet annoying at the same time.

"Oh really? Why? Something only Andi would appreciate?" She said snidely as I dumped my lunch and turned back to her.

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound right now?" I mimicked her arms over my chest and it only seemed to make her angrier as she stepped closer to me.

"Do you have any idea how much of a complete ass you are?" She answered my question with a question and I shook my head.

"You know, I can't help but wonder if you were always like this since I've known you." I cocked my eyebrow and I felt the cafeteria watching us.

"Please enlighten me on what I'm like." She said nonchalantly as I shrugged.

"This much of a complete bitch." I was blunt as I watched her eyes go wide. I stared into the fire that was now her eyes before she raised her hand quickly causing my reflexes to take control. I knew the intent of her hand as it had collided with my cheek before but before it could burn my skin once more I quickly stopped the blow by gripping her wrist and causing the bystanders to gasp.

"DON'T...make that mistake again." I seethed still holding her wrist in my hand as she looked at me wide eyed in shock.

"No one has the right to put their hands on me." I started to remember what we had practiced in treatment and felt my hands shaking. Her demeanor started to soften.

"Eli, I'm sorr-" I was suddenly pushed making me drop the grip I had on Clare's hand.

"Dude, get the hell off of her!" I turned around to see it was Fitz who had shoved me and was now holding Clare. She continued to look at me baffled and I glanced at him.

"What did they teach you to man handle women in the crazy house?" Fitz yelled at me and I glared.

"I wasn't hurting her." I seethed.

"Fitz I'm-" Clare tried to speak and Fitz spoke over her.

"Sure you didn't. Why don't you just get out of here? There are over 100 people in here that know what they saw." Fitz's words made me glance around at the eyes on me and grabbed my bag from the floor before storming out of the cafeteria. I heard Adam call after me but I didn't stop. This is not how I wanted to start my first day back.

**[Clare's POV]**

Fitz looked me over and I put my hands up at him.

"Fitz I'm fine!" I said showing him my arms and wrists. He looked relieved.

"He really is crazy if he thinks he can put his hands on a girl like that." Fitz said rubbing my back.

"I was about to smack him. It bad judgment on my part and he didn't hurt me. I think I actually triggered something from his treatments. He said something about no one having the right to put their hands on him." The thought of his eyes made me feel guilt in the pit of my stomach for having made him snap out of it like that. I don't know why my first instinct was to strike him. That's not who I am. I watched Adam pass me as he walked out of his classroom.

"Look I have to talk to Adam. I'll see you later." I patted Fitz's chest before running after Adam.

"Adam! Please wait!" I called and he finally stopped.

"Do you have any idea what people are calling him now? All it took was one stupid exchange with you and now people think he hurts women." Adam said loudly and I stepped back.

"That wasn't my intention..." I said looking away from him.

"No just to hurt him right? What happened to the girl that was so excited to see him and to work on the both of you together? Now all you are obsessed with is making him feel pain again." Adam threw his hands out and I tightened my jaw.

"He hurt me first! I sat here like a train wreck praying that we could work things out once he got back and he practically shoved his new girlfriend in my face! I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT ADAM!" I yelled back. I had every right to be mad at Eli.

"So did he! Before he crashed Morty he looked like an obsessive stalker but his was out of love, just like yours was. Now it's like you want to..." Adam trailed off and I felt the words as if he had said them.

"I want him to what?" I mumbled already hurt.

"It's like you want him to try again." I could tell it hurt Adam to even say the words and I put my hand on my stomach.

"Look, just give him a break okay? He has a lot he needs to tell you about why he's been putting distance between the two of you but you have to give him enough time to come to you with it." Adam explained as the bell rang again.

"I didn't mean to raise my hand at him Adam. I swear." I said and he sighed.

"Yeah you really need to work on that pent up aggression of yours. Maybe masturbate more." I looked at Adam who now had a smile on his face and I hit his arm.

"See! Get on that!" He pointed at me as he rubbed his arm. I returned the smile as we went our separate ways but I couldn't think of anything but apologizing to Eli after school. I was supposed to meet Fitz for coffee but I knew Eli would be doing makeup work in the library after school so I wanted to make a stop there before I did anything else. I watched the minutes tick by slowly for the final bell and it was practically a gunshot as I jumped up and ran to my locker where I knew Fitz would be waiting.

"Hey! You ready to go?" He smiled at me.

"Actually can I rain check? I have to talk to Eli. Make things right." I watched Fitz tense immediately.

"That's not a good idea. I'll come with you." He said sticking his chest out.

"No that would only make things worse. I need to do this on my own." I said opening my locker.

"Clare, he's dangerous. I'm not comfortable with letting you just go off and talk with this nut." Fitz was acting strange and I smiled.

"I promise I'll be fine. I can text you after." I touched his chest and he shook his head.

"What about me? We had plans. You just cancel them now that he's back?" Fitz's demeanor changed and I closed my locker slowly.

"I'm sorry Fitz. I said I would reschedule. Please just...calm down." I looked at him and he started to back up.

"Fine. I guess call me when you're done with Eli." Fitz's words sounded so sad but cold at the same time as he walked away. I knew if I said anything else he would really be upset so I left it at that. I needed to handle one problem at a time and the first was Eli.

**[Eli's POV]**

I tried to study in the library but it was apparently closed today so I decided I would see if the computer lab was open. To my amazement it was and I walked in setting up at one of the computers near the door. I laid all of my work out on the table and put my headphones on as I started to look through the notes Clare had taken. They were very structured and I found that helped when trying to pick up new methods or important facts in the lessons. I hadn't heard the door to the lab open but I heard the hustling of bodies causing me to turn my attention around.

"Look who we have here. The women beater." Owen and his goons stood there and I sighed taking my headphones off.

"Come on Owen. Not today okay? I'm trying to catch up on some of my work." I pointed to it and he laughed.

"Well I really don't give a shit about your studying habits but a friend told me something pretty funny today and thought I'd pay you a visit." Owen smirked at me and I knew it wasn't going to end well.

"Lucky me." I said closing my books and turning my chair to face them.

"Fitz told me you think no one has the right to put their hands on you but you seem to put your hands on his girlfriend and that's not okay with...well anyone." Owen said sternly and I felt a boiling in my stomach at the thought of Clare being Fitz's girlfriend.

"I didn't hurt her." I said through clenched teeth.

"Doesn't matter. We're here to remind you of just where you stand in this school." Owen nodded his head towards me and I scrambled to get out of the chair before they could get to me but they caught me at the door picking me up and holding me above their heads.

"PUT ME DOWN YOU FUCKERS!" I said knowing exactly where I'd end up but thankful I didn't have the bulky cast weighing me down this time.

"Don't fight it." Owen laughed as they kicked the doors open and I smelled the chlorine immediately. I took one desperate hit and managed to catch Owen in the eyebrow from the height he had me in the air and he dropped my arm making the rest of them drop me. I hit the ground with a thud and Owen put his hand to his eyebrow.

"You little freak." He gritted his teeth leaning down to punch me in the mouth. I tasted the copper from my blood and knew my lip was slightly busted. He kicked me in the stomach making me lose all signs of oxygen before his friends shoved me into the pool. My lungs felt like they might burst from not being able to take a breath properly. I kicked off the bottom of the pool and swam to the top of the water inhaling the biggest breath I could before coughing. I pulled myself up on the edge and saw they had fled. I was getting really tired of this and it needed to end. I frustratingly pulled myself out of the water and gripped my ribs as I walked back into the hallway. I could hear the water in my shoes squishing and the excess water creating a trail behind me as I rounded the corner.

"Eli? Oh my God." I looked up to see the last person I wanted to see holding my backpack.

"Adam said you were going to be in the library but I found your stuff in the computer lab. What happened to you?" She asked as I snatched my bag from her hands.

"YOU! You're what happened to me. I'm now the resident woman beater thanks to you." I said with such an angered and bitter tone that yelling wasn't necessary.

"I didn't mean-" I turned away and cut her off as I started walking away.

"Yeah you never mean to. You just do whatever you can to continuously make living on this Earth within a hundred yards of you practically unbearable." I kept walking and she followed me out the front doors.

"That's not fair! I didn't mean to have people think that or hurt you like this!" She said making me spin around.

"No you just thought that because you are bitter and pissed off that I had to be miserable too. Well I'm done playing your stupid games Clare. I'm done." I looked at her one last time before seeing Andi in the parking lot and walking to her car. I didn't look back at Clare as I got into the car but Andi was quick to question me.

"I don't want to talk about it. Just take me home." She looked at my lip and then at Clare before putting the car in drive and driving away. I locked myself in my room and decided to turn to the one thing that I was allowed to do now that I couldn't hurt myself anymore. I started writing.

The next morning Adam and I sat on the picnic tables out front and worked on some of my work as I told him about the events that happened the day before.

"I can't believe they threw you in the pool again. At least you got a good shot on Owen though." Adam said and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah right. I look like I've been punch in the face but he barely has a mark on his sandbag of a head I'm sure." I didn't look up until Adam hit my arm.

"What happened to you mouth emo boy? Talk too much?" Owen asked with a smirk and to no avail he had no mark from where I had hit him.

"No some giant ape got mad because I must have hurt his ego." I said smirking but Owen didn't take to my charm as he pushed all of my books onto the ground.

"Back off Owen!" Adam said standing up only to be shoved back down. I stood up and looked at Owen.

"What? What are you going to do?" Owen asked getting in my face.

"Don't touch him." I said through gritted teeth. Owen laughed as I glared at him.

"I'll leave your little girlfriend alone but I can't promise the same for Fitz." Owen backed up and I laughed.

"Best of luck to him. She's a handful. I noticed Clare approaching out of the corner of my eye on Fitz's arm.

"You act like you don't care but he will be banging Virgin Mary out in no time." Owen put his finger into my chest and I pushed him back suddenly making people gasp.

"Don't touch me." I said and Owen had found my weakness.

"Ohhh game on." He started to push on my shoulder and I kept swatting at him. He took great pleasure in teasing me until I finally just stepped back.

"Eli, he's not worth it." Adam spoke up and I shook my head as I leaned down to pick up my work.

"Shut up freak. This is actually getting fun." Owen shoved me to the ground with his foot and I heard feet moving towards me.

"Cut it out Owen!" Clare's voice spoke up and I glanced back annoyed but just in time to watch him shove Clare into Adam.

"Stay out of this." Owen didn't see it coming as I sprang to my feet and balled my fist before hitting him as hard as my arm would allow sending him back into the trash cans. This time it was his lip that was split. He tasted it and looked like a bull as he charged me and knocked me to the ground. I knew if he was to get the upper hand It would be over for me so I quickly flipped to where I was on top of him throwing punches as he kept trying to knock me off of his stomach. Owen flipped me off of him and yanked my arm behind my back pinning my face down in the dirt.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!" He yelled but I felt the pain release as school security pulled Owen off of me. I wasted no time in getting to my feet and charging at him. I hit him one good time in the eye making everyone make another noise before Sav and Drew gripped my arms.

"Calm down Eli!" Adam said as I glared daggers at Owen.

"To my office Mr. Mulligan." Mr. Simpson said and Owen pointed at me.

"We are far from done." He seethed as he was escorted to the office.

"Go to the nurse Eli." Mr. Simpson looked at me and I nodded grabbing my bag.

"Eli, you're bleeding." Clare went to touch my face and I jerked away.

"It's called a bleeding heart Clare. You should know what that's like by now." I wiped the blood from my nose and started to walk inside but not before turning around and looked back at her.

"And stop acting like you care. Move on, it's pathetic." I shouted back making everyone look at her and a blush fell on her cheeks as I pushed the glass doors. At this point, I didn't care if Clare liked me or hated me. I was done taking these punches. I refused to roll over anymore. I was ready to fight back.


	14. The End Of Broken Hearts

**[Clare's POV]**

Everyone had been whispering about what had happened with Eli and Owen's fight but the looks they gave me made me want to scream. He had gone out of his way to embarrass me when all I was trying to do was see if he was alright. I didn't know what to do at this point. Fitz had become really protective of me and walked me to and from all of my classes which was nice I guess but there were moments where this overwhelming feeling of just utter sadness engulfed me and all I wanted to do was be alone. I went to great lengths to avoid seeing Eli in the hallways at all just so I wouldn't work myself up but on the rare occasion I would see him testing in an empty classroom or studying in the computer lab. I took shelter in the library but someone always managed to find me. I had decided today that I just didn't want to deal with anymore of feeling on edge so I skipped my afternoon classes. Fitz had been blowing my phone up but around 2:00 there was a knock at my front door. I prayed it wasn't him but when I opened it to see Alli looking peeved I wish I wouldn't have opened the door.

"Thanks for ditching me today." She walked into my house uninvited and I sighed shutting the door.

"I wasn't really in the mood to be at school anymore." I started back up the stairs and Alli followed.

"Clare you have to shake this. It's killing me to see you so unhappy." Alli said sitting on my bed in front of me. I shrugged staying silent.

"It's time to move on Clare. You are so much better than this." She grabbed my hand and I looked down at it.

"How am I supposed to just move on? I love him Alli. Whether I want to or not I love Eli and I hate that I can't just be done like he is. It's like he gave me all this hope just to crush me." I said shaking my head and Alli titled her head sideways.

"Maybe he did that on purpose." I looked up at her.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well maybe he wanted you to be hurt like he was. Maybe he never really planned on getting back together but more just to give you the hope and crush you like he thinks you did to him." I thought about what Alli was saying and I couldn't believe it.

"Eli wouldn't do that." I said not believing I was actually defending him at this point.

"Clare, Eli is messed up. He would definitely do something like that. The boy has issues and hurting you would be like icing on the cake." I couldn't help but think what Alli was saying might just be the truth and that brought the bitter rage back out as I jumped up from the bed.

"THAT BASTARD! How could he- I was there for him! I apologized! How could he just play with me like that!" I paced in my room and Alli frowned.

"Screw him. It's time we forget Eli and move on to bigger and better." Alli said leaning back on the bed.

"You're right. Eli can keep his stupid games and drama. I'm done. It's time I find someone who can actually show me a good time." I said sounding way more devious then I had intended.

"Perfect because Drew is having a house party tomorrow night and I think it would be the perfect event to rid your life of this depressing crap and start actually LIVING." She said and I looked at her.

"Another party? Really? Did we learn nothing from the last party?" I said crossing my arms over my chest.

"This will be different. There will be drinks, dancing and no Eli." She smirked at me and I laughed.

"You know I don't drink Alli." I said making her scrunch her face.

"Never hurts to try it. Come on Clarebear! Let loose! Fitz will be there and it will be fun. I promise!" Alli begged and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not so sure about the whole Fitz thing anymore. He's become so protective it's kind of driving me crazy." I said pointedly.

"Then we will avoid him. No big deal but it will be an amazingly fun girls night out with laughs guaranteed. Drunk Drew is hilarious and we can scout for a new boy toy." Alli started shoving me playfully and I laughed.

"Fine but you have to help me get ready and make sure you don't get too drunk. I don't want to end up doing anything stupid and further humiliating myself." I said and she put her hand up.

"Scouts honor! This is going to be SO much fun." Alli was always way too excited about parties. I think I was deserving of one night without drama. No Eli. No Fitz, just me.

**[Adam's POV]**

Drew had ambushed me in the hallway saying that instead of pizza and video games tomorrow night he was having a party. I immediately said no deal since all Mom has to do is smell someone else's soap and we would both be grounded for life but it would appear I didn't have a choice in the matter considering the buzz surrounding the party. I couldn't escape all the pats on the back about seeing me tomorrow and I just gave a quick nod and ran for the hills. This party was going to be way bigger then I think Drew even imagined but with Fiona away in New York I knew I had to turn to the one person to have my back. I looked in all of his usual spots and found Eli sitting at one of the computers in the lab with black rimmed glasses on reading something. I took a deep breath before walking in and sitting down next to him.

"Well that didn't take long at all." Eli said with a laugh but keeping his eyes on the screen.

"What do you mean?" I asked tossing my bag on the floor.

"I take it you are here to ask me to keep you company at the extravaganza at Casa Torres tomorrow." Eli smirked.

"How did you know?" I asked curiously as he turned the screen.

"Because it's all over Facerange and I know how much you just love crowds especially ones that your mom would kill you over." Eli joked and I just sighed.

"So this means you are taking pity on me right?" I asked making him laughed harder.

"Yeah right. Do I really seem like I want to go to a party of my peers?" Eli cocked an eyebrow and I frowned.

"I know it's not your thing but I'll be a mess if I have to be the only sane and sober person there." I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I also knew how stubborn Eli was.

"Adam, just tell Drew to call it off." Eli said like it was so easy.

"If the thing has reached Facerange do you honestly think he'll call it off? Please Eli, you don't even have to stay that long. All I ask is for like an hour or two so I know I can manage." I pleaded and he sighed but before he could say anything Fitz walked into the lab and looked at us.

"What did you do to Clare this time?" Fitz accused and Eli merely took his glasses off.

"Well hello Fitz, my day is grand until about 2 seconds ago. Rough day?" Eli said keeping a calm demeanor.

"Cut the crap Goldsworthy. Clare skipped her last class and won't answer her phone so she is obviously upset. What did you do?" Fitz kept up his intense questioning and Eli shook his head.

"Considering I haven't seen or heard from Clare since Monday I would say that I haven't done anything. Perhaps you should be asking yourself what YOU did since you are her bodyguard." Eli stared Fitz down and I watched as they sized each other up.

"That's right so stay away from her." Fitz pointed at Eli and Eli chuckled.

"If you didn't notice Fitz I have been but if I were you I'd be more worried about who she sees when she closes her eyes to kiss you." Eli's taunting made Fitz step closer to Eli and Eli didn't even flinch.

"Okay guys that's enough. Fitz, Alli texted me earlier saying Clare was at home. Try calling Alli." I didn't want Eli getting another detention or having Clare yap on about Eli attacking Fitz so I stepped in.

"Stay away from Clare." Fitz pointed at Eli and Eli smirked.

"Will do." Eli responded as they shared one more glare as Fitz left the room. Eli shook his head.

"That girl will be the death of me." He sighed before turning his attention back to the screen in front of him.

"Look, please just come hang out for a while. There won't be any drama. Just me freaking out. You said we would hang out more once you got back, didn't you?" I used his words against him and he glared.

"You would take the cheap shot." He said unamused.

"Fine, but I won't stay more than an hour." Eli said making me feel relieved.

"Thanks man. I owe you one." I smiled before putting my hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah yeah." He brushed me off as I skipped out of the lab. This party might not be too horrible if I have my best friend there to help me through. That night as Mom and Dad were saying their goodbyes to Drew and I, Mom mad sure to specifically say no parties and while Drew gave her his signature sweet talk I stood there knowing full well by the end of the weekend I would be grounded for life.

**[Clare's POV]**

Yesterday after skipping class and talking with Alli, Fitz had called her and asked about me. I knew I needed to talk to him but I really didn't want to have to deal with the outcome. I had to actually turn my phone off so he would stop calling and Alli and I skipped school in order to spend the day getting our outfits together. I wasn't so sure about the outfit she had put together for me considering skin tight and lace were both involved but after she did my makeup and hair I looked in the mirror at a whole new me. The red dress was mid-thigh and I felt the neck was just a tad bit lower then I would be comfortable with but Alli said I could wear a jacket over it which put me at ease as I slipped on heels as low as Alli would allow.

"Damn Clare I think I've created a monster." Alli joked looking at me as I looked at myself in the mirror. I blushed and adjusted in the dress.

"You don't think this is too much?" I asked pulling the front of the dress up to cover as much of my chest as I could which was proving to be a failure.

"Not at all. You are single and on the prowl, Clare. Enjoy it." Alli swatted my hands away from my chest and I sighed. Thank God my mom was out tonight or else she would never let me leave the house looking like this. Someone knocked on the front door and I walked down the steps as carefully as I could to answer and was surprised to see Fitz standing there. His eyes went wide the moment he saw me and I felt incredibly awkward as I put my arms over my chest.

"H-hey Fitz." I said knowing I was probably just as red as my dress.

"Hey yourself. You look…wow." His eyes were covering every inch of my frame and I started to regret my outfit.

"What are you doing here?" I asked clearing my throat and causing him to look at my face.

"I was going to see if you wanted to ride with me to the party." He reached for my hand and I pulled away awkwardly.

"Actually Alli and I are going to ride with Sav. I didn't even know you were going." I said sounding a bit more disappointed then I intended causing him to frown.

"Did I do something wrong?" He asked and I instantly felt bad.

"No it's just…I just want to be alone for a while. It's got nothing to do with you." I explained and he squinted his eyes.

"You want to be alone but you're going to a house party? That makes total sense." He said sarcastically.

"No I mean I just don't want to date anyone right now. I want to enjoy being single for once." I said making him step back from the door. I watched his face turn from disappointed to just hurt.

"Fitz-" He cut me off.

"I get it Clare. I'll just…see you later." He turned his back and I sighed watching him get into his car and pull away.

"That went…well?" Alli's voice startled me from behind and I shut the door.

"Maybe we should skip the party? I don't want any Fitz drama." I said sitting down on the couch and Alli practically flew down the steps and plopped down next to me.

"NO! Come on Clare! We are already dressed and ready to go. I can be on your arm the whole night and there is no way I will let Fitz bother you. I may be small but I can annoy the best of them. Plus all you need is one drink and you'll forget all about Fitz." Alli was frantically trying to get me to reconsider and at this point I didn't want to let someone else down.

"Fine but let's try not to be there all night okay? I would actually like to relax a little bit after this hellish week." I got up and Alli squealed wrapping her arms around me. Alli finished getting ready and Sav honked once he was out front. He lectured us in the car ride there about the way we were dressed and told us both to keep our jackets on which made me laugh knowing Alli's jacket would be lucky to leave the truck. We pulled up to the Torres residence and it already looked like things were getting crazy. Music shook the windows and cars were parked down the block. Sav walked ahead of us but I took a moment to scoop for Fitz's car. Alli had her arm looped into mine as we walked into the house and it was lit up with people yelling and talking. There was clearly beer games going on in the kitchen and dancing in the living room.

"Wow this is kind of-" I looked around.

"AWESOME!" Alli said having thrown her jacket off before we even walked into the house. A random guy walked by and eyed me before smiling and continuing to pass making Alli looked at me and bump my hip with her own.

"Look at you getting your eye flirt on with a perfect stranger." Alli teased and I knew I was blushing.

"Alli will you please." I said rubbing at my neck. I looked up and saw Adam in the corner watching people dance. I was just about to wave to catch his attention but I saw that gray and black stripped shirt with a black vest approaching him with a red cup in hand and knew I was in for it. Eli never goes to parties. Why would he come to one just because Adam asked him to? I felt an ache in my chest as I watched them laugh with one another making me long for the three of us to go back in time to when we could all laugh together. Adam looked over at me and I felt a panic.

"Hey Clare." I jumped when I heard Fitz behind me. He looked so sullen. I looked back over to Adam and he must have said something to Eli who was now looking at me and Fitz.

"Don't worry I'll leave you alone." Fitz went to move around me and I put my hand on his chest stopping him. Eli shifted a bit as he still looked at me from over the top of his cup as he took another drink. Alli had a cup in her hand and I quickly snatched it taking Fitz by the hand and dragging him away from the door.

"Um Clare…where are you going?" Alli asked and Fitz just held onto my hand as I dragged him.

"I'm going to have a good time." I said as I gulped down the bitter taste of beer for the first time. I looked at Bianca and Drew who were taking shots and making out so I slipped in to grab a shot.

"Saint Clare? Taking shots? I MUST be wasted." Bianca laughed as Drew sucked on her neck.

"Leave off Bianca." Fitz said and I looked at him.

"I don't drink but you'll make sure I don't do anything stupid right?" I whispered in Fitz's ear and he smiled.

"I'll take care of you Clare. I promise." He kissed my cheek as I turned back to Bianca who was holding out the next shot. I took it from her and she clinked glasses with me before I threw the liquid back as quickly as I could but that didn't stop the burn. It was like acid in my throat and I cough as I sat the glass back down.

"WOOO! GO SAINT CLARE!" Drew yelled. I laughed and glanced around to see Eli texting on his phone. He didn't even look up as I laughed just a bit too loud. Bianca hit my arm and I noticed she was handing me another drink. Fitz snaked his arm around my back and I looked at him. That's when I saw Eli look at me. He looked eyes with me as Fitz ran his hand on my side and I held his eye contact before grabbing Fitz's neck and bringing his lips to mine. The taste of beer was exchanged from our lips and by the time I pulled away my heart was racing.

"This is going to be a good night." He said breathlessly. I blushed and glanced over his shoulder to see Eli clenching his jaw and looking away from where I stood. I smiled feeling accomplished that I had gotten a rise out of him.

**[Eli's POV] **

"You now she's just doing that to get a rise out of you." Adam said in my ear as I tried to watch Clare play a drinking game with a bunch of people including Fitz and Bianca.

"She's going to regret this in the morning." I said back looking at my phone. I had texted Andi and told her what was going on but she was meeting with her brother so I knew there was really nothing she could do. I tried to avoid watching her or at least try not to get caught by her because I knew she was playing me. Pushing my buttons to see how much I could take but what she had failed to learn because of her stubborn attitude was that I wasn't that guy anymore. I was done with playing games the moment I checked into that hospital. I walked into another room and ran into someone.

"Sorry." I looked up and saw it was Alli. I rolled my eyes and tried to keep walking but she stopped me.

"This is your fault you know, her acting this way." I turned around and looked at her puzzled.

"I didn't dress her up in skimpy outfits and throw her into a booze ridden party." I said pointing in Clare's direction but at this point she was starting to stagger.

"Why couldn't you have just told her you didn't want to be with her? You led her to believe you still loved her and then humiliated her in front of everyone." Alli said pushing on my chest. I wasn't having her push me around anymore.

"BECAUSE I DO LOVE HER!" I shouted over the music and she stood there stunned as I raked my hands through my hair.

"I…I needed to be able to trust myself alone before I could be with her." I explained and Alli's eyes were wide.

"I had no idea." She said baffled. I shook my head and grabbed my leather jacket from the rack behind her.

"That's right. You don't but that didn't stop you from filling her head with how selfish and manipulating I am did it?" I said and she frowned. I threw my jacket on and walked to the front door catching a glimpse of Clare in the living room grinding her body against Fitz as his hands roamed her body as if they were alone. I clenched my jaw so hard I thought I might be cracking my teeth. He started sucking on her neck and she looked up at my misty eyed and did something that made my heart feel pinched. She smirked.

**[Clare's POV]**

I had asked Fitz to keep track of my drinks so I wouldn't overdo it but when I had started to get a bit overheated I asked him how many I had had and he didn't know. Music seemed louder as I walked away from the kitchen to look for Alli but Fitz followed closely behind me pulling me towards the living room where people were dancing. He pressed his body against mine and I felt my heart speed up. I turned around and place my back against his chest. I barely felt his hands against my skin but I knew they were there.

"You look so sexy tonight Clare. I can't stop touching you." He whispered into my ear and I looked up to see Eli standing at the door with his jacket on.

"Well then touch me." I said without thinking. Fitz's lips attached themselves to my neck and I smirked watching Eli shake his head and exit the house. My head started to spin a little but it got worse the moment a hand spun me away from Fitz. It was Alli.

"Okay, it's time to go." She said trying to pull me away but I resisted.

"No! I'm having fun. Leave me alone." I got free of Alli and she looked at me strangely.

"Clare you are making a mistake. We need to leave." She said and I laughed.

"If you want to go then go. I've got a date." I pointed at Fitz and he approached.

"I thought you wanted to be alone. You don't want Fitz, Clare." Alli pulled me closer so Fitz wouldn't hear but I pushed away.

"Tonight I don't want to be alone and Fitz is going to make sure I'm not." I pulled on his shirt and he wrapped his arms around me. Alli looked at me annoyed.

"As your best friend I'm making the decision and we are leaving." Alli grabbed my wrist hard and I didn't like that. I pulled away from her and shoved her into some people.

"You know what! I'm not letting some backwoods whore tell me what to do." I shouted and Alli looked at me with disgust written on her face as people started to watch us.

"You know why you're alone Clare? Because you are a selfish brat who uses people and then throws them away when you are tired of them. No wonder Eli wants nothing to do with you. I may be a backwoods whore but at least I'm not a manipulative bitch." Alli's words hit me deep and I jumped towards her grabbing a hold of her hair. She gripped my hands and scratched my hands as we started fighting in the middle of the Torres house. I felt arms pulling me away from her and when I finally let go of her hair and fell back against Fitz's chest, I saw that Adam had a hold of Alli.

"I HATE YOU!" I screamed at her as Fitz dragged me away. I finally stopped fighting him when he had gotten me outside. The moment the cool night air hit me I felt like I was awake.

"Just breathe Clare." Fitz rubbed my arms and I put my hand on the side of the house to steady myself.

"I'm so dizzy." I said gripping my head. Fitz pressed his body against me pinning me to the house.

"Let me steady you out." He smirked at me before capturing my lips so I could speak. His lips became aggressive and I kept trying to talk but he wouldn't let me. I felt his hands grip my hips tighter and it started to hurt.

"Fitz…you are being too rough." I finally got free from his lips as he went for my neck. His hands let go of my hips and moved to my breast squeezing painfully.

"Just relax." He said against my skin and I felt my chest starting to panic.

"Fitz stop! You are hurting me." I cried but was met with the sound of him ripping the lace on the front of the dress exposing my bra. I shoved him hard making him step back a few steps confused as I tried to run in the heels but met the pavement quickly as I tripped myself up. I felt the scrape of my knee on the pavement and cried as arms wrapped around my waist picking me up.

"NO! LET GO!" I screamed as Fitz pulled me back into the darkness on the side of the house and started to fumble with his belt.

"It's going to be okay, Clare. Just trust me." Fitz licked my ear and I felt tears running down my cheeks as his one free hand that wasn't holding my wrists above my head ran up my thigh under my dress.

"HELP!" I screamed but Fitz removed his hand from my thigh and covered my mouth. I was breathing heavy at the thought that had set in. I was about to be raped by someone I trusted. The alcohol and those thoughts alone were making me feel like I wanted to throw up until suddenly Fitz was pulled away from my body violently and I hit the ground unaware what was going on as I tried to crawl away from him as quickly as I could. I heard him saying something to someone else but once I got into Adam's backyard I coward in the darkness next to the grill and pulled my legs to my chest praying to God that he wouldn't find me.

**[Eli's POV]**

I had walked outside to clear my head and felt for the box I kept in my jacket. It contained 4 cigarettes. Andi said that if I had to calm myself and she wasn't around to have one but if I ran out that I needed to call her or my parents. I lit it up and took a pull off of it feeling it numb my throat instantly and bring me down a peg. I wasn't going to be derailed over something so childish. I walked down the block when my phone started ringing.

"Hey I got your text. Is everything okay or is Clare dry humping on the dance floor?" Andi asked making me chuckle.

"Actually she saved that show for me as I was walking out. I'm having one of my emergency cigarettes but I'm calming down." I said and she sighed with relief.

"You know she would stop all this crap if you just sat her down and talked to her. I mean this has to stop Eli or else you are going to spiral." Andi said sounding just as tired of the games as I felt.

"Honestly Andi I don't even know how I would go about doing that. Things have become so stressful it's hard to even be in the same room with her without being on guard that she will freak out on me." I explained taking another long pull of the nicotine.

"Hey I guess you can consider it even then." She laughed. I remember telling her how intense and scary I was toward the end of our relationship and how Clare had to always tell me to calm down so I guess she had a point. I thought I heard someone scream but I looked around and saw nothing.

"So are you going to be okay or do I need to come there half naked and even the score?" Andi suggested making me laugh.

"Let's save that for later. Thanks for calling though. I think I'm going to check back in with Adam and then head home. You know parties aren't really my thing." I said finishing up my cigarette.

"Just text me when you get home so I know you haven't go off into emo land." Andi teased and I shook my head.

"Yes ma'am. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I said my goodbyes before re-entering the house to look for Adam. I thankfully didn't see Clare and Fitz anywhere as I went upstairs to Adam's room to find him and Alli. Alli looked disheveled and was crying.

"What the hell happened?" I asked.

"Clare attacked her then ran out with Fitz." Adam explained as Alli wiped her face.

"Where did she go and how wasted is she?" I asked rubbing at my eyes.

"She is really wasted." Adam said and Alli looked at me.

"He's going to hurt her. She isn't safe with him. He knows that the only reason she doesn't want to be with him is because of you and if he tries to take advantage of her it could get ugly." Alli said sniffling. I shook my head as I turned around to leave the room but Adam stopped me.

"Dude, what are you going to do?" Adam asked gripping my arm.

"All of this shit that is going on between Clare and I has to stop. Messing around with Fitz to get to me is one thing but I'm not going to let her get hurt like that. It's time this whole thing ended anyway." I said with a sigh. I looked over his shoulder to Alli.

"Pushing her away had nothing to do with Andi or her. It was about making sure I was strong enough to love her. I never wanted it to hurt her." I said and she shook her head.

"I'm sorry Eli." Alli said in barely a whisper. I nodded and left the room going down the steps and looking through the house. I asked around and Drew had said to check outside. I stepped out into the cool air once more and looked around but only found a piece of a bracelet Clare was wearing. Where the hell could they have gone?

"HELP!" I heard her cry and my heart sank. I dropped the broken piece and ran towards where I heard the scream. I almost ran right past them as Fitz had pulled her into the darkness of the side of the house. I watched his hands pull her dress up exposing her underwear and I lost it as I grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked him away. Clare hit the ground as I jumped on Fitz.

"You've got to get her drunk in order to get her to even want to have your slimy hands all over her you bastard." I hit him in the cheek and he put his hands up to protect his face.

"This doesn't involve you freak!" He yelled flipping me off of him.

"The hell it doesn't." I scrambled to grab him by the front of his shirt.

"She hates you! You think you can weasel your way back in but you cant. She's mine." Fitz spat but I jacked him up against the bricks.

"The fact that she screamed help didn't give you the slightest clue you son of a bitch? She doesn't want you. She will never want you like she wants me, do you understand that?" I said coldly and I watched Fitz's eyes grow dark. I recognized the darkness from Vegas Night. THIS was the Fitz I knew. He shoved me off of him and we stood there staring at one another.

"This isn't over." He pointed at me and I glared.

"If you ever touch her again I will kill you myself…that's a promise." I held his harden glare as he ran towards the street. I looked back where I thought Clare was but she had disappeared. I started to panic as I ran around the house looking for her but I heard a whimper near the grill and moved the cover to see her shaking with her knees pulled to her chest and her arms wrapped tightly around them. She sounded like she was saying something and as I kneeled down I heard she was praying. It was heartbreaking to see her like this as I reached a hand out to touch her hand but she screamed and started thrashing hitting me right in the mouth.

"Clare! Clare it's just me! HEY!" I fought past her hands and gripped her face.

"NO STOP PLEASE!" She cried squeezing her eyes shut tightly.

"Clare, open your eyes. It's Eli. Look at me." I said calmly feeling her shaking in my hands. She slowly opened her eyes and I looked at her concerned watching as her face crumbled and she threw her arms around my neck. She sobbed into my shoulder and I wrapped one arm around her as I tried to steady myself with the other so I didn't fall into her. Her grip never slacked but I knew we couldn't sit back here all night. I finally pulled away from her and looked her over. She tried to cover herself up but it looked like Fitz had torn her dress enough to where her bra was completely showing and the side of it was torn as well. I saw her knee was scraped and bleeding as well.

"Let me get you out of here." I said and she gripped my hands quickly.

"I can't go home like this!" She started to panic and I shook my head.

"It's okay I won't take you home. Just calm down okay?" I said as I pulled my jacket off and put it around her. She slid her arms into the sleeves and I zipped it up before putting my arm under knees.

"Wh-what are you doing?" She asked unsure.

"Trust me." I said simply and she took a moment before letting me pick her up and hold her to my chest as I carried her bridal style out to Cece's car which I had borrowed to get here. I put her in the passenger seat and grabbed a blanket from the back to cover her up with before shutting the door and running around the car.

"Where are you taking me?" Clare asked as I started the car.

"To the hospital." She flipped over in the seat and looked at me.

"Eli no! I can't go to the hospital. They'll think I was…" She stopped and started crying again and I gripped the steering wheel tightly watching my knuckles turn white.

"Did he…did he…" I couldn't get the words out and she looked at my hands.

"Eli, calm down. He didn't…you saved me." I felt her hand on top of mine and I jumped from the contact. She pulled away and I looked at her. I had no idea where else to take her other than home with me. I started up the car and she sat up straight.

"Would you feel safe at my house?" I asked looking over at her and she nodded before relaxing into the seat. I remembered telling Cece and Bullfrog I was staying over at Adam's so they wouldn't worry about me and I knew they would be out for the night so bringing Clare home wouldn't be a problem. She shook her head and I started towards my house. She continued to cry the whole way and it was painful to listen to but as I parked the car she let me help her out of the car and into the house.

"Where are your parents?" She asked as I locked up the door.

"They went out for the night. You don't have to worry about them." I tossed my keys on the table and took my jacket off to look back at her just as she came slamming into me kissing me feverishly. Her arms wrapped around my neck tightly as I was backed into the wall and I couldn't get my lips to pull away because of how fast she was moving hers along mine. I reached back and pulled her arms away from my neck and pulled my face away.

"Clare…" She opened her eyes and looked at me with a mortified look.

"Oh God." She backed away quickly and started getting upset.

"It's okay-" She shook her head at me and put her hand over her mouth. She took off up the stairs and the moment I heard her run into the bathroom to empty her stomach into the toilet and I sighed. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed some cold water and aspirin from the cabinet before walking upstairs. I had grabbed some of my clothes for her to change into and walked into the bathroom where she was shaking and crying as she spit into the toilet. I wet a washcloth and handed it to her.

"I brought you some of my clothes. I didn't think you would really want anything Cece sleeps in." I said putting the clothes on the floor next to her before sitting on the side of the tub. She looked over at me as I clasped my hands together in front of me and stared back at her. Suddenly her whimpers turned into full blown sobs catching me off guard. I didn't really know what to do.

"Clare, it's going to be okay. You are just emotional because of the alcohol. Tomorrow will be better, I promise." I rubbed her back and she shook her head.

"Y-you don't get it." She said trying to catch her breath. I truly didn't understand why she was sobbing other then what happened tonight but she wasn't this bad in the car. She leaned her head against the counter as she wiped her mouth with the rag and looked at me threw her blood shot eyes.

"It-it's like you've forgotten…just a month ago you died in my arms right here." She glanced to the floor and I honestly had forgotten that she hadn't been back to the house since that day.

"Ev-everything is f-falling apart. I j-just wanted you to be o-okay. I f-feel like I've lost you all over again." She pulled her knees up to her chest and I got down on the floor in front of her.

"I'm right here Clare. I haven't gone anywhere." I put my hand on her arm and she looked up.

"That's not true. Look at everything that's happened since then. You can barely look at me anymore. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? You used to look at me like I was the only person in the world and now all I feel when you look at me is shame and disgust." Clare said. I felt a sharp pain in my chest when she spoke.

"I feel like everything I do hurts you, Clare. What do you want me to do?" I pleaded and she held her lips in a tight line but that didn't stop them from trembling.

"I just want you to love me again. I know how desperate and pathetic that sounds but that's all I want. Knowing that you hate me and trying to pretend that I hate you in return is eating me up inside. It's killing me slowly as if I'm being paid back for all I've put you through but I'm not strong anymore. I can't keep doing this." Clare sat up and wiped her tears away before looking me dead in the face.

"I love you Eli. I'm still very much in love with you and I'm sorry if that's an inconvenience to you now but I'm done pretending. There is nothing going on with Fitz. There never was. I'm a horrible person and deserve what happened tonight because I used him. I used him to get a rise out of you because having you look at me with disgust was better than having you forget I even existed. I don't want to ruin your new life or make you feel obligated to do anything just to make me feel better but you have to know that I don't hate you and I don't want anyone but you. If I have to move on then all I ask is that you give me time to do that." Clare choked on her breath and I felt myself frown. I reached up and touched her cheek and she leaned into my hand.

"What have I done to you? The Clare Edwards I know and love would never justify being taken advantage of like that." She pouted pulling my hand away from her face.

"I guess that girl died with you when you loved me, right here." She ran her hand on the floor and it gave me chills. Andi's words played in my head.

"This is all my fault. If I would have just told you-" Clare stopped me.

"Told me what? That you found someone who you actually have things in common with? That you've moved on without me? That I'm a pathetic waste-" I cut Clare off when I grabbed either side of her face.

"Stop. Please. Hearing you say all of that…bullshit makes me feel horrible. You're right. I have found someone who I have things in common with and I've moved on without you but not in the way you think." I said watching her face fall as I spoke just to look at me curiously.

"When I went into treatment they told me the one thing in my life that caused me to do the things I did was you and I refused to accept that because that would mean I would have to cut you out of my life." I felt my voice break in my throat and she fought from crying.

"You have so much hostility towards Andi but the truth is…she helped me get through those days. When everyone was telling me to let you go she was telling me that there was no way I could do that." Clare kept her eyes on me as I looked at me shaking hands.

"I had to get better for me Clare. I needed to know that I could be okay on my own before I could commit to you. I never stopped loving you. I probably never will. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't. I'm sorry I was so distant and didn't explain to you what I was trying to do. I'm sorry I was mean and spazzed on you at that party you planned for me. I'm sorry I embarrassed you at school, for constantly embarrassing you. I'm sorry I let this happen to you. I'm just…sorry." I looked at her as a tear ran down my cheek. She remained silent for a few moments as we just sat there.

"So I was horrible to you because you were trying to finish your treatment on your own?" Clare hid her face in her hands and I reached out to pull them away.

"It's okay." I said but she shook her head violently.

"No it's not! How can two people who claim to love each other so much continue to hurt one another so horribly? It's not right Eli. We're not right." She started to sob again and I pulled her into my chest and she held onto my shirt. I didn't know what to say to make her feel any better. I had to come to this realization locked up in a place with no one. I knew it was hard and it needed to be said but I hated seeing Clare so broken. When her breath slowed I knew she had finally passed out. I pull my clothes overtop of her own and reached up the back to unzip the tattered dress. I didn't want her to be upset that she was exposed more then she already was tonight. I cleaned up the scrap on her knee and bandaged it before wiping her face with the wash cloth and throwing it in the sink. I picked her up again and carried her into my room. I was afraid if I set her up on the couch Cece would freak out or she would leave without telling me. I made sure there was a trash can next to the bed in case she got sick again but she barely moved once I laid her down. For the first time since I've been home she actually looked…peaceful. I pushed some of her hair away from her face before leaning down towards her ear.

"I know things have been rough and I know you are going to be really upset in the morning but I just want you to know that no matter what I will always love you. We may not be right but we are a beautiful mess. Sleep well, Clare." I whispered before kissing her forehead lightly. I left aspirin and water next to the bed before settling back into the chair next to the bed. I watched her sleep for the longest time. It was only a matter of time before these moments of peace would be shaken by the abrupt reality that faced them in the morning.


	15. Tonight, Not Again

**Sorry I forget to keep posting the updates. I hope all of you are doing well. Life is good and HECTIC so please excuse my lack of communications. I hope at least a few of you are still reading this. I'll try to get the last few in before the year is over. Much love.**

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**[Clare's POV]**

I woke with a start trying to take in my surroundings only to feel more panicked then before realizing I was in Eli's bed. My head was pounding, my throat was dry and my eyes hurt as I looked down at my clothes to see they were also Eli's. I heard rummaging in the closet and looked over to see Eli pulling on dark jeans. His hair was wet and his back was to me as he looked for a shirt to wear.

"Oh God." I covered my mouth feeling a disgust wash over me and a sharp pain in my knee. It must have caught Eli's attention because he quickly found a shirt to pull on before approaching the bed.

"Hey, how are you-" I cut him off.

"Please tell me we didn't have sex last night." I begged making Eli's eyes go wide.

"Oh no no we didn't. I promise." Eli sat down in the chair next to his bed.

"How did I end up in your clothes? Wait no, how did I end up here?" I started to freak out a bit and I gripped my head. He passed me two pain killers and a glass of water.

"Take these. It will help your head." He held them out and I took them.

"What exactly do you remember from last night?" Eli asked squinting his eyes. I thought back and felt the scrape on my knee and everything was very fresh in my mind.

"I'm hoping what I remember was a horrible nightmare and didn't actually happen." I pulled the blankets back up on my bare legs feeling rather exposed.

"Well the only thing I can reassure you of is that you didn't have sex last night." Eli said sadly and I felt my stomach churning.

"B-but Fitz…he attacked me?" I asked and he nodded.

"You and I…we actually…we talked in the bathroom?" I asked and he nodded once more.

"Oh God, kill me now." I covered my face with my hands and Eli scooted forward to sit on the bed in front of me.

"It's not that bad Clare." He said trying to make me feel better.

"Yeah right. I will never live this down at school. You were right about Fitz which only makes me feel more like an idiot and you…I pretty much exposed all these weaknesses to you while blubbering on your bathroom floor." I felt like I wanted to cry but it's like my eyes were all out.

"I'm sorry being in love with me is a weakness." Eli said looking down at his hands before getting up from the bed. I felt bad for letting my mouth go before I could process. He walked over to his computer chair and pulled an outfit off of it.

"You can wear these if you want. The dress you had on was on its last thread." Eli sat the outfit down on the bed in front of me.

"I'll grab you some coffee while you change." Eli left the room quickly and I didn't have time to thank him. I sighed as I pulled myself out of the bed and looked at the clothes. It was a black sundress with pink and purple flowers all over it, thin straps and black buttons up the front with black leggings to match and black flats that were a little bigger then my actual feet but they were better than nothing. I looked at myself in a mirror he had on the back of his closet and smoothed out the dress. He knocked before coming in with a mug of coffee.

"I couldn't remember if you like 2 sugars or three so I brought an extra packet up." Eli sat the coffee down without looking at me but when he did he looked stunned. I suddenly felt self-conscious.

"Does it look okay?" I asked unsure of myself.

"Y-yeah you look great. I'm glad everything fits." He smiled slightly as I walked over to the bed to sit down next to him. I took the coffee and sipped it. There was an awkward silence between us and I glanced at the chair next to the bed noticed a wrinkled blanket in it.

"Did you sleep in the chair all night?" I asked and he rubbed at the back of his neck.

"I had tried leaving you in here but you woke up crying so I just stayed in the chair." He blushed slightly and I smiled.

"Thank you for…everything. After being so horrible to you I really don't deserve it." I said catching his full attention immediately.

"I think we both made a lot of mistakes. Don't worry about it, please." He said seriously and I gazed at him for a moment.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked almost too nervous to form the words. He shrugged and glanced at the clock.

"Honestly, I don't really know. I still have a few more things I have to do as far as recovering." He said rubbing at his eyes.

"I want to be there for you." I said suddenly making him look at me.

"Whatever it takes, I want to be here for you." I sat the coffee down and turned to him completely waiting for his response.

"Some of it I have to do on my own." He said with a frown but I put my hand on his knee that had been bouncing up and down nervously and it stopped the moment my hand came to rest upon it.

"That's okay. I just want to support you. All I ever wanted was for you to be okay, Eli." I said honestly earning a soft smile.

"You have no idea how much of a weight it takes off my chest now that I know you don't hate me and don't think I hate you." He chuckled putting his hand on top of mine.

"I'm glad I'm no longer a burden. I like seeing you smile. I've missed it." I said making him blush.

"So where did you want me to take you? Home? Alli's?" He asked making me feel slightly nervous as if he were trying to get rid of me.

"Well I'm sure Alli hates me right now so I'll put that off for a while." I said with a sigh.

"She was just really worried about you. I'm sure she'll forgive you." Eli stood up and looked for his shoes. He seemed to be rushing around and I watched him closely.

"I'm sorry did you just want me to call someone to come get me? You seem like you are in a rush to get away from me." I said tucking one of my curls behind my ear.

"No it's just…I've got to be somewhere." He said glancing over at me. I finished the coffee and stood up.

"I won't keep you then. I'll just walk to Alli's." Eli finally stopped and looked at me but before I could get out of his bedroom door he put his hand on my arm.

"No it's not like that." He sighed and I stopped to wait for him to explain. He sat back down on his bed and I joined him.

"A part of my therapy is making amends with the people in my life that I've harbored hard feelings for or have hurt. Forgiving those who have hurt me and visa versa. I'm supposed to make a trip today to Pickering that I'm really nervous about." I looked down at his hands and they were shaking.

"Who lives in Pickering?" I asked and he closed his eyes to take a deep breath.

"Julia's dad and step mom." He looked up at me and I could actually see the fear in his eyes.

"I'll go with you." I volunteered and Eli shook his head.

"No I have to do this alone." He said squeezing his fists closed so they would stop shaking.

"I can wait in the car. You shouldn't be going up there to do it alone anyway." I reached out and took his hand and he looked down at it.

"You really want to be a part of this? I mean it could be messy. I haven't seen her parents in a long time and we were never really on good terms. You really don't have-" I lifted his chin with my finger and he stopped talking.

"You aren't getting rid of me that easily. I'm here Eli and I'm not going anywhere." I said softly making him smile.

"Then I guess we better get on the road." Eli let out a heavy breath and I grabbed my purse and headed downstairs. The house was quiet so I knew his parents werent home. I saw he had a bag of things on the kitchen table and I grabbed them before I put my jacket on over the dress and stood by the door. I watched him descend the steps and he laughed under his breath pulling his own jacket on and as I turned to open the door he tugged on my hand holding it gently.

"You are probably the only girl in the world who can still look beautiful in the midst of a hangover." He smirked at me and I felt myself melt a little on the inside as I blushed on the outside.

"Thank you. I think it has something to do with the incredible boy who took care of me but who's to say?" I gave him my own little smirk as he held my hand to the car. He opened the door for me and before long we were on our way. The weather was actually nice out and Eli made sure not to play the music too loud as we drove but I think he kept it loud enough to fill an silence between us. I thought of things we could talk about and when something finally hit me I let out a shriek causing him to jump.

"OH! I almost forgot to tell you!" I exclaimed as he gripped his chest.

"What? That you enjoy giving people heart attacks?" He joked with a laugh and I shook my head.

"I've been talking a driver's ed class. I'm actually really good." I said confidently.

"That's awesome. I'd help you with your test but I'm pretty sure we both know my driving lessons would be pretty stupid considering what I did to Morty." Eli's comment caught my attention. No matter what he always brought up his flaws like he didn't want to forget the mistakes he's made in his life. I noticed he did that often and I was hoping somehow through his continued outpatient therapy he could overcome it. I tried to think of something else to change the subject.

"So tell me about Andi. I can tell you two got really close and I'm sure she is really something special if you kept a friendship going." I said and he smiled.

"She is one of the most unique, genuine and completely looney people I've ever met. She really doesn't care what people think and she speaks her mind. I like that about her." Eli glanced over at me and I nodded curtly to be polite.

"You know she has practically been beating me into explaining to you what the deal was with me. She says...she says the love that we have never goes away. Bad shit happens but apparently it makes us stronger, makes our love for one another stronger. As cliché as that sounds." He added nervously and I leaned over and rested my chin on his shoulder so I could whisper in his ear.

"I think as cliché as it is, it couldn't be any truer." I pulled away from his shoulder and he glanced over at me once more before I lightly kissed his shoulder with a smile.

**[Eli's POV]**

Clare talked to me the entire drive. I still couldn't believe she had wanted to come with me but the closer we got the more nervous I became. All these horrible scenarios were running through my head and I couldn't shake them. What if I snapped and couldn't handle being back there again? What if her parents told Clare what kind of horrible monster I am? What if I chase her away before we could even get started on becoming closer? I tried desperately to kick the thoughts myself but Clare must have seen my nerves taking over as she reached over and took my free hand that was resting on the gear shift. She gave it a slight squeeze and I took a breath. We finally pulled up to the house and I felt a panic set in.

"Is this it?" Clare looked at the brick house with maroon shutters as I nodded.

"I feel like my heart is beating so fast you can hear it." Clare put her hand on my chest and frowned.

"I can't hear it but I can certainly feel it. Just take a deep breath Eli. It will be okay. I'm right here." She reassured me and I wasn't really comforted by that thought.

"Well I guess my plan of running screaming from the house is botched huh?" I looked over and she smiled putting her hand on my cheek.

"I've seen you run before. It's not a pretty sight." I laughed at Clare's joke and she laughed with me.

"Thank you. I needed that." I said feeling some of my nerves relax. I opened the car door and straightened out my clothes looking back at Clare through the glass who gave me nothing but a reassuring smile and a nod toward the house. I walked up the pathway and looked around seeing toys in the front yard. I thought for a moment I was at the wrong house until I saw the last name on the mailbox. I knocked and felt the vibration all the way down my hand into my arm to my chest as I waited. I turned away from the door and looked back as if I might bolt but I couldn't. I knew Clare would only get out of the car and I didn't want them to see her. I didn't want to be disrespectful or anything but somehow I felt like introducing Clare to Julia's parents wouldn't be a good idea. I was startled when the door opened to a little girl who had eyes and jet black hair just like Julia's. She couldn't be more than 5 years old and she smiled up at me.

"Um...Hi. I'm Eli." I said not really knowing what to say to this random little girl.

"Hi, I'm Amelia." She said giggling. I crouched down so she would be at eyes view.

"Amelia, I was hoping you could tell me if this is where Thomas and Karen Parks live. Do you know them?" I asked with a smile and she nodded quickly.

"That's my mommy and daddy." She said brightly throwing me completely off guard.

"Really? Well I'm an old friend of your sisters. Can I come in?" I asked still slightly unsure of what I had just heard. Had they really had another child and I had no idea about it? Amelia started to bite at her thumb nail, something Julia used to do whenever she got confused.

"I don't have any sisters." She said with a confused frown on her face. I felt a pinch in my side and looked over her shoulder into the house just as someone was running down the steps.

"Amy! You can't just open the door to strangers." The girl was too young to be Karen but she looked at me like she knew who I was.

"Sorry about that I was just wondering if Thomas and Karen were home." I asked and she nodded.

"No they should be getting back from the store in just a few minutes though. I've seen you before." She pointed at me and I narrowed my eyes.

"Have you? I haven't been around in a very long time." I said and she snapped her fingers.

"I've seen you in a picture before. I'm sorry, come on in. You can wait in the living room." She opened the door wider and I stepped into the house taking in my surroundings. There was a family portrait on the wall of the three of them and scattered pictures of Amelia but none of Julia. I felt my stomach heat up as I looked at Amelia drawing pictures.

"So are you just in town for a visit?" The girl asked and I looked at her.

"Yeah something like that. I figured I would catch up with them since I haven't been around in so long. Are you the babysitter?" I asked stupidly.

"Yeah, Karen is my aunt so I've volunteered to watch Amy for my community service project for school. It sort of stuck after it was done." She giggled and I nodded.

"Do you mind if I ask- why are there no pictures of Julia around?" Her face dropped and she looked over at Amelia.

"Hey Amy, why don't you take your picture into the kitchen so mommy doesn't get mad about you coloring in front of the TV?" Amelia sighed but took her things into the kitchen as the girl turned towards me.

"You must have been gone a pretty long time to not know but after they found out about Amelia they pretty much stripped every piece of Julia's memory from the house. They threw most of her stuff out after she died but all the pictures and clothes were boxed and burned. It's pretty sad but I guess they figured Amelia would be a fresh start." I felt a rage inside but I knew I had to contain it.

"They didn't even bother to tell Amelia she had a sister?" I said trying not to freak out.

"I guess they thought it would be too traumatic." She shrugged. The front door opened and I stood up catching their eyes immediately.

"What the hell are you doing in my house?" Karen seethed dropping the groceries.

"Milly, you aren't supposed to let strangers into the house." Thomas said looking at the girl who looked confused.

"Oh, I thought he was family or something." She gestured to Thomas. I guess because we both had dark hair she thought I was his kin but Karen strode forward quickly.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are not welcome here Elijah." She pointed at me and Milly's eyes went wide.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea-" She must know who I am now as she walked over to Thomas.

"Take Amelia upstairs please." He said firmly. Milly rushed Amelia upstairs and I shoved my hands in my pockets.

"You have some nerve showing your face around here. After everything you've done." Thomas said bitterly and I bit my lip.

"I just want to know how you could just...erase her? You have another kid and suddenly Julia never existed?" I asked trying to hold back the pain in my voice.

"How dare you! You ruin our daughter's life and get her killed and you have the nerve to judge us for trying to move on?" Karen closed the space between us and smacked me across the face. I stumbled back a bit.

"I-I didn't kill her. It was an a-accident." I said looking back at them.

"Oh come on Elijah, she was dead before she hit the street. You killed her. Every ounce of happiness Julia ever had you ripped away to please your own sick self." Thomas said disgusted and now I pointed at them.

"THAT'S A LIE! I LOVED JULIA!" I screamed but stopped to calm myself.

"I did everything to make her happy. You were the ones who killed her happiness by not letting us be together and telling her how her dreams were stupid when she could have done amazing things." I said angrily and Karen laughed.

"We weren't the ones who got her pregnant." She said and suddenly I felt the world stop. I knew my eyes were wide and my jaw was slacking in obvious shock.

"That's right. She came to us crying her eyes out about you getting her pregnant and how she didn't want to birth your child or be a teen mom so we took care of her. We SAVED her and you ended up killing her anyway." Karen crossed her arms over her chest and I tried to take a breath but found it hard.

"Wh-what do you mean?" There was no way this could be true. I would have known if Julia was pregnant.

"We took her two months before she died to get an abortion. That's when she decided it was over between you two but you wouldn't leave her alone." Karen's words were like knives stabbing me repeatedly as I felt my hands shake.

"No...you're lying." I shook my head.

"LYING?" Thomas yelled at me and I jumped.

"I had to take my babygirl to the hospital to get an abortion only to bury her two months later because of you, you son of a bitch." He had stepped toward me but Karen held him back.

"We know why you're here. We heard about that other boy you killed. That boy's family lawyer has already contacted us and wanted us to testify against you. It would seem as though you are a repeat offender." Karen seethed with hatred.

"This was a mistake. Sorry I even bothered." I tried to push past them and opened the front door but Thomas grabbed me by my jacket and held me up against it.

"We also know about your trip to the psych ward. I told that boy's lawyer that I think jail would be much more suitable for you that way you can't hurt anyone else." I had raised my hands up to try to get his big hands off of me and my sleeves rode up revealing some of my scars.

"You can cut into your flesh all you want boy but that pain you feel will never go away. You will have a bleeding heart for the rest of your life and it's only fair that it drives you utterly insane." I fought tears as I looked away from his eyes of fire outside the house but wished I hadn't when I saw Clare looking at me. She started to get out of the car and I tried to get free only to have Thomas throw me out of the door. I tripped down the steps and feel scrapping my hands.

"You're pathetic Elijah Goldsworthy. You always have been. We knew it and so did Julia. The next time you show your face around here you'll regret it." Karen said looking down at me as I crawled like a dog away from the house. I tried to get up on my feet but felt like someone had put the world on my back and was weighing me down.

"Eli!" I heard Clare's voice as the door behind me shut and I silently thanked fate for at least doing that for me.

"Are you okay?" She kneeled down and put her hand on my back and I jumped to my feet and bolted. I don't know why but I ran hearing her scream after me as my feet carried me as fast as I could go. All I saw was trees as I got through the residential area. I knew there was a park not too far into the woods but I wasn't actually trying to run there. I could see a clearing but didn't quite make it as I tripped over a tree stump and falling flat on my face in the dirt. I just laid there listening to myself try to breathe and couldn't help but start to cry as I rolled over and looked up at the sky that started to darken. It was as though the weather knew just how I felt as I could faintly hear thunder. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed. They were right. I was pathetic. I thought about everything they had said about Julia and I felt my anxiety start to get the best of me as my sobs turned into me hyperventilating. I rolled over quickly and was on my hands and knees choking for air when I heard a car door shut and feet running across the dirt.

"What is it?" Clare asked frantically as she threw herself on the ground next to me gripping my arm.

"I-I c-cant bre-breathe." I tried to take in a few breaths but couldn't even as she rubbed my back.

"Lean back! Lean into me." Clare pulled me off of my hands and across her lap. I struggled not knowing what she was doing but I could feel her taking deep breaths with her chest against my back. She put a hand on my chest and rubbed circles.

"In through your nose, out through your mouth. Calm down, Eli. Just think of being at home in your bed. I'm right here." She cooed in my ear as I tried to slow my heartbeat with the breathing technique. I felt myself shaking against her and became embarrassed. Would she still be holding onto me like this if she knew about what Julia's parents told me? I had finally calmed my breathing but just thinking about Julia made me sob again.

"Let's get you to the car." She moved around and pulled me to my feet putting my arm around her shoulders and leaning on her to get me to the car. She put me in the passenger seat and walked around to the driver side getting in just before the rain had started. Even though I was humiliated it didn't stop my sobs. Clare stayed silent to the point where I almost forgot she was even sitting there as I rolled up my sleeve and pushed the car lighter on. I waited impatiently for it to heat up and my tunnel vision was staring through my tears down at my scarred arms waiting to inflict more pain upon myself as punishment. I gritted my teeth knowing the pain that awaited me but I knew it wasn't nearly the amount I deserved. Then it hit me. I stopped thinking about how horrible I was and realized how much this relapse would hurt everyone I care about. Andi would probably think I was so incredibly weak and my parents would be so distraught. The lighter clicked and I jumped. The windows in the car were foggy from my breathing as I reached a shaky hand out to pull on the lighter but a hand grabbed mine.

"Whatever happened, whatever is inside of that head of yours...this is not the answer. Whatever you feel like you did wrong, whoever put doubt in your head, it is not going to be solved by hurting yourself. Give me the lighter, Eli." Clare's voice was soft yet firm at the same time as my tunnel vision started to expand.

"I-I need you to take it. Please just take it." I begged watching my hand shake with the lighter still very much convinced this was the right thing to do.

"I can't. You need to fight Eli. I'm here but you need to be the one to fight this demon. Whatever you think you did isn't going to be resolved by this." I felt a tear roll down my face as I took a moment to blink.

"You don't know what I've done. How do you know I don't deserve this? I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I hurt...everyone I love." I moved the lighter closer to my skin feeling the heat.

"No one is perfect Eli! We all do bad things. If you do that to punish yourself then...I guess I'll use it next so all my sins are forgiven." I looked over at Clare suddenly and saw her roll her sleeve up.

"No...no don't. You haven't done anything as horrible as I have." I explained and she gripped my hands again.

"Maybe in my mind I have. If I promise not to hurt myself then you have to put the lighter down. We will work out a different punishment for you okay?" I stayed silent for a moment focusing on the lighter and Clare touched my face making me look at her once more.

"Eli...please." I expected her to look scared but she didn't look scared at all. She looked calm and pleading. I dropped the lighter down in the cup holder and she pulled me into a hug. I squeezed her tightly back as she gripped the back of my head.

"Let's go home." She said into my ear and I nodded. She started the car and I didn't even think about her driving but I knew I wouldn't be able to. She pulled my seatbelt across my chest before kissing my forehead. I stared at the lighter the whole ride. I was dangerously close to relapsing only moments before.

"Can you do me a favor?" Clare's voice broke my thoughts and I looked at her as she had both hands on the wheel, siting straight up and had her eyes focused straight ahead.

"I want to hold your hand but I have to keep them both on the wheel. Is there any way you could just rest your hand on my leg so I know you're okay?" Clare asked nervously and I looked at my shaky hand that was scratched up from being thrown out of the house onto the pavement. I knew if I didn't then she would get upset so I rest my hand next to her leg and she looked relieved.

I listened to the rain hit the windows and Clare hummed lightly and at every stoplight she would put her hand over mine. It was only a tease though because the moment it turned green she put her hand back on the wheel. The sky grew darker as we finally pulled up to my house.

"Cece and Bullfrog are here right?" She asked and I nodded.

"No, they thought Adam would go with me and I'd stay with him after but I never asked him." I said not really caring. Clare stayed quiet for a moment before I could feel her eyes on me.

"Do you have something I could sleep in again?" Clare asked and I sighed.

"You don't have to stay, Clare. I can take care of myself." I sniffled and realized how horrible I sounded from the sobbing.

"You took care of me when I needed someone. Can't I just get you cleaned up and settled?" Clare asked and I didn't respond. I wanted her to stay with me. I didn't want to be alone with myself right now and it was killing me to have to be. I heard her door open and close before I knew it and she ran around to me and opened the door. It was still raining as she reached in and helped me out of the car and up the lawn making sure to lock the car back up. We got into my house and I leaned against the door as she locked it. I felt hopeless.

**[Clare's P.O.V]**

Eli was a complete mess by the time I got him back to the house. I took off my jacket that was now soaked and kicked off the flats he had loaned me. I pulled his jacket off and sat it with my own before pushing some of his wet hair off his dirty face. He must have face planted outside when I found him because he had dried dirt streaks on his face from where he had been crying as well as scrapes on his hands from falling out front. I extended my hand and he looked at it lazily before taking it and letting me take him up to his room where I walked him past his bed and into the bathroom. I filled the bathtub with warm water and tried to take his shirt off but he stopped me.

"I can do it. Will you get me some clothes?" He asked faintly and I nodded. I walked into his room and found some clean pajama pants and undershirt for him to wear as well as boxers before returning to see he had pulled the curtain on the tub.

"Are you okay in there?" I asked and I could hear his legs move in the water.

"I kind of want to do this on my own. I can call you when I'm done." He sniffled. As much as I didn't want to leave him alone I knew I couldn't press too hard with him.

"Okay, I'm going to shower in your parent's bathroom. I'll be right down the hall." I said through the curtain.

"You can use one of the shirts in my dresser to sleep in and you underclothes from last night are clean if you want those too. They're on top of the dryer." Eli said.

"Thanks. I'll be back." I said to reassure him as I raced through his room to grab clothes and take a quick shower. I didn't want to leave him alone for too long in fear his mind would try and battle him again but I knew I needed to shower and put medicine on my knee. It felt like every moment was an eternity as I used the shampoo and soap before hopping out and drying off enough to get dressed. I had grabbed an oversized t-shirt and my underwear to wear before drying my hair a bit and bandaging my knee and walking downstairs to retrieve water and hot tea for Eli.

By the time I had gotten upstairs he sat on the side of his bed, hair dripping and dressed in his clean clothes looking down at the broken skin on his hands. I sat the tea down on his nightstand with the water and walked into his bathroom to retrieve ointment for his hands which he let me apply before putting band aids on them. He even let me towel dry his hair a bit so it wasn't so wet when he lay down.

"Drink some of this. It will help you relax." I helped him hold the tea cup in his hands as he sipped from it. I pulled his sheets back and he went to stand up but I stopped him.

"You get the bed tonight. I'll take the chair." I said and he shook his head.

"That's not going to happen." He stood up and gestured me to get into the bed.

"Eli, I can sleep on the couch or something but tonight you need to let me take care of you so get your ass in the bed." I said sternly and he stood stubbornly for a few moments before surprisingly getting under the covers. I went to tuck him in but he took my hand.

"Would you mind horribly…" I looked into Eli's eyes and knew what he wanted me to do so before he could ask I pulled the sheets back and climbed into the bed next to him. I clicked the light off and he took a deep breath.

"Clare?" He called my name in the dark as if we were suddenly far away and I reached out and put a hand on him.

"I'm right here Eli." I pulled him to me and he rested his head against my chest, wrapping his arms around my torso and holding me securely. I stroked his wet hair and kissed the top of his head as we lay in the dark. Just when I thought he was starting to fall asleep I felt him shaking. He was crying again and I lifted his head and slid down to look at him but he wouldn't lift his head to look at me. I waited for him speak.

"Sh-she was…she was pregnant…an-and didn't t-tell me." He sobbed. I was shocked but I knew I couldn't show it.

"They ss-said they made her get-they made her get an abortion." He continued and my heart broke for him. He was so devastated and I felt like the only thing I could do was hold him.

"If I hadn't pressed so hard or been so cruel maybe she would have told me. Things would be different. She wouldn't be-" I pulled him as close as I could as he sobbed.

"You can't think about that Eli. What if's will destroy you. All you can do is focus on the present." I said gripping his face and wiping his tears away. He looked like a child.

"I killed her, Clare. I killed her spirit. Everything that made her happy to be alive…and I killed it. I destroy people. You shouldn't be here. I don't want to-" Before Eli could continue his rant in pushing me away I kissed him. He whimpered against my lips as mine were the only ones moving but he finally moved his bandaged hand up to my cheek and kissed back. When he finally pulled away it was too take a deep breath.

"Don't push me away now. It would only hurt me more if you tried to get rid of me now. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." I said resting my forehead against his. He nodded and I kissed him again before pulling him to rest his head back on my chest. He held me tightly and I stroked his hair until he finally dozed off. A few hours later I managed to wiggle out of Eli's bed and grab my phone. I dialed a number and walked into the bathroom.

"Hey, it's Clare. I know it's late but I need some help with something. Think you could meet me at the library on 10th tomorrow? I'll explain everything then. I promise I'll owe you one. Thanks. Bye." I hung up and opened the door to see Eli sitting up.

"I thought maybe you'd left." He said rubbing his eyes. I smiled and joined him back on the bed.

"Just had to call Alli and patch things up. It was bugging me." I sat my phone down and he nodded.

"I'm sorry about everything." He said sleepily.

"It's okay. Let's go back to sleep and maybe if you're lucky I'll make you breakfast." I kissed his cheek and he nodded as we lay back down. This time I rested my head on Eli's shoulder and he looked at me.

"Tomorrow is another day Eli. Just remember that." I rested my hand on his chest and he took it into his own. I laid there wrapped up in Eli's arms thinking about what he had told me. Maybe it was my own curiosity or my overprotective nature but I wanted to get to the bottom of what Julia's parents had told Eli. I refuse to believe that if this girl loved Eli like he claimed that she would ever go through all of that without him. I needed the truth. Not just for myself but for Eli. There were only so many relapses I could help him through. I won't let this eat him alive.


	16. Sympathy For The Devil

**[Clare's POV]**

I waited outside of the library for 20 minutes before I saw the curly haired boy approach with his head down.

"Hey Wesley, thanks so much for...Oh my God what happened to you?" Wesley lifted his head and I saw the bruises on his face. His eye was swollen behind his glasses and his lip was busted. I stepped closer but he put his hands up.

"I don't really want to talk about it Clare. Sorry I couldn't get Connor to help but I'm here. What do you need?" He asked and I felt horrible I had pulled him into this mess and here he was so beaten up.

"I needed your computer expertise in looking up old doctor records." Wesley looked at me strangely.

"You want me to hack a doctor database? You know that's illegal right?" Wesley asked and I nodded.

"I'll understand if you say no. I just didn't know who else to turn to. You and Connor are the smartest boys I know and I'd never dream of putting either of you in harms way-" Wesley frowned but put up his hand.

"I'll do it...I owe you that much." He whispered the last bit and I put a hand on his arm making him wince.

"You don't owe me anything Wesley but thank you." I said with a smile as we walked into the library. This wasn't exactly the thing I wanted to do on a school computer so I was glad we had the weekend. I had woken up and made Eli breakfast and we walked to his therapy session but I told him I would meet him at The Dot afterward so I had about 2 hours to see what we could come up with.

I had written down as much information as I possibly could on Julia's life and Wesley went to work on just about every search engine known to man. The pictures that came up were of course the ones in the paper and news articles of her death.

"So this is Eli's old girlfriend huh? Anything specific we're looking for?" He asked me and I bit my lip.

"I'm looking for records on a possible pregnancy or abortion." Wesley looked over at me and I stayed silent as he typed away. Time started to fly and before I knew it Eli was calling my cell phone. The librarian eyed me and I apologized before stepping away from Wesley to answer.

"Hey is your session over?" I asked but he let out a heavy sigh.

"No they actually called Cece and Bullfrog in. This might take awhile." Eli explained and I became worried.

"Is everything okay? Do you need me?" I asked concerned.

"No it's cool. I just told them about my visit to Julia's old house and the doc feels like I should talk to them about it." Eli said sounding tired.

"Well I'm only a phone call away okay? Just call me and I'll be there as soon as I can. You're strong. Don't forget that." I heard Eli chuckle.

"You know I only believe that because you keep telling me right?" He said.

"Well then I'll keep reminding you." I said confidently. There was a pause where I felt like an I love you should belong but knew it was too soon for that again.

"I'll call you after okay?" Eli broke the silence and I nodded.

"Okay. Bye." I smiled saying it.

"Bye." He hung up the phone and I slipped mine into my pocket. I walked back over to Wesley who appeared to be getting frustrated.

"Still nothing?" I asked sitting next to him.

"Hacking isn't really my thing but I'm trying." Wesley said. I watched him work for a few minutes before he glanced over at me.

"How's Eli doing?" He asked surprisingly.

"He's...getting better. I'm trying to help him through right now but it's a day to day thing. He's stronger than he thinks." I explained and Wesley looked down.

"You are a really good person Clare. I hope Eli knows how lucky he is to have a girl like you love him so much." Wesley's words made me smile.

"Thanks Wes. I've sure missed having you around to talk to." I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"I'm always around." He said with a chuckle.

"Come to think of it, I really haven't seen you around though. Did you join a club or something?" I asked but he looked nervous.

"Uh..no no not really. Just uh- made some new friends I suppose." I pushed his glasses back on his face wincing again.

"I hope your new friends aren't the MMA fighters. You seem more like a lover then a fighter." I said trying to joke.

"My girlfriend would agree." He smiled trying not to look at me. I bumped his shoulder.

"Well don't be vague or anything. Spill." I said happy to be catching up with him.

"You know Hannah, well we started dating a few weeks ago. It's amazing. Honestly, I have no idea why a girl like her would ever waste her time with a guy like me." Wesley said and I put my hand on his arm.

"Because you're a great guy Wes. You truly are a catch. She's the lucky one. Congratulations." I said genuinely happy for him. His smile faded a bit.

"We had our first fight the other day. She doesn't really agree with some of the choices I've been making." He made eye contact with me but looked away quickly.

"Well I don't know what kind of things you've been doing lately but right now you are going out of your way to help an old friend and for that I will owe you immensely. Talk it out with her. She knows you have a good heart." Wesley looked like he was about to cry and shook his head.

"I don't feel like a good person anymore Clare. I'm just...I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone." Wesley broke down and covered his face. I didn't know what to do but put my arm around him and hug him.

"Listen to me Wesley, I've known you for a really long time now and I can tell you one thing. You have the kindest heart I've ever known. You would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone." I patted his back but he pulled away.

"You don't know...I've hurt people Clare. I didn't want to but I did." Wesley looked so upset and I felt like nothing I could possibly say would make him feel better.

"Whatever you did can be forgiven Wesley. I promise you that much." I wiped the tears off of his cheek and he sniffled.

"Maybe I should uh-go to Connor's. Get him to help me out. I can call you if we find anything." Wesley logged off the computer and got up abruptly making me stand as well.

"Um okay. Thanks for help. I hope things get better." I said quickly as he took off out of the library. I grabbed my bag and figured I had some time before Eli's session was over so I went to The Dot to get food. I'm sure he would forget to eat so taking him something would hopefully make him happy. I walked in to order and saw Alli in the corner. She caught my gaze and gave a sad smile. I ordered my food and walked over to where she sat.

"Hey." I said first breaking the silence.

"Hi." She said moving her spoon around in her milkshake.

"Can I sit?" I asked and she nodded. I sat down in front of her and tried to meet her gaze.

"I'm sor-" We both started at the same time and laughed when we realized it.

"I'm sorry for being so stupid with everything. I should have listened to you." I said and Alli shook her head.

"No you shouldn't have. The boy I was telling you was horrible for you ended up saving you. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if Eli hadn't been there. I just want what's best for you Clare and sometimes I just get blinded by trying to protect you." Alli explained and I nodded.

"Sometimes we just try to hard at protecting one another we end up hurting one another. I'm really sorry for all those horrible things I said. I didn't mean them." I put my hand out and she took it with a smile.

"I have to say that out of all the cat fights I've ever been in ours will probably be the most talked about." She joked. It was nice to be able to talk to Alli again.

"So how are things going with Eli? I take it you spent the night with him?" She asked with a smile.

"Yeah I did. Nothing happened but to be honest, I wouldn't mind if it did. No matter how hard I've tried to fight it Eli will always be that one boy who can make my heart feel incredible things. I don't know if I'll ever truly be out of love with him." I sighed and Alli sighed.

"As much as he scares me I can tell his feelings are pure with you Clare. The boy is head over heels for you and as long as he makes you happy I promise not to interfere. However sex is a big deal so if you're serious about it please make sure you are protected. We've already got one baby on it's way." Alli said mentioning Jenna. I thought for a moment and looked at her.

"Would you go with me? Help me look for some...protection?" I asked squinting and Alli laughed.

"Why don't we eat first then we can go to the drug store. I don't know much about Eli's...goodies but we'll see what we can come up with." Alli said and I tried not to blush. We ate dinner together and I made sure to get something to go for Eli before venturing off to the drug store. I had no idea there were so many choices.

"Whoa." I said aloud. Alli picked up a few packs and we read them over.

"I can guarantee that the first time you won't like it. It hurts and most guys get too exhausted to actually help you along so you can at least getting a little bit of a big O." Alli was trying to give me a crash course in sex and I was trying to keep up.

"Maybe we should just get one of each. That way he can pick?" I proposed and Alli stared at me.

"You are really serious about this huh? Eli's the one?" She asked me and I didn't hesitate.

"Yeah, he's the one. I wouldn't feel safer or more loved with anyone else." I explained. Alli nodded at me before taking one of each and putting it in a hand basket and taking them up there.

"I'll buy them. Consider it as me contributing to a life changing moment." She smiled and I couldn't help but laugh.

"I'll wait outside." I said hugging her and walking outside. It was starting to get dark and I knew I needed to go home and grab clothes if I was going to be staying someplace else tonight. Keeping up with Alli and Eli was keeping my mind off of everything that was going on at home. The divorce was underway and dad had moved out for good but mom did everything she could to stay busy and out of the house. Alli came bouncing out of the store with the bag and we headed to my house. I opened the door and yelled to my mom but I knew she probably wasn't home.

"She's probably out buying new furniture. You know how she likes to decorate." Alli said with a laugh. She walked over to the counter and found a note.

"Or she's having dinner with a friend. Call if you need anything." She read the note to me and put it back down.

"I didn't think she'd be here. I just need to grab clothes. Think maybe I could stay Sunday and go to school from your place?" I asked.

"Sure. My parents love you so it's no big deal." She shrugged.

"Okay let me grab some clothes." I ran up the stairs and found my backpack and a suitcase to put some things in. I walked to mom's room to see the laundry basket on her bed. I grabbed some underwear and bra's before I noticed an open piece of mail lying under the basket. I pulled it out and looked at it. It was the divorce papers. I gave it a quick read before I felt my heart stop. I read it slowly over and over again trying to wrap my head around what I was reading. I sat down and gripped at my chest as I tried not to cry. I was doing whatever I could to push my parents back together in the beginning but when I realized the divorce was happening I blamed my mom. I thought she wasn't trying hard enough but here in black and white it was written. He was unfaithful. Not just once but multiple times. I was pushing her into the arms of someone who blatantly showed he didn't love her. I felt my chest start to rack with tears but I heard Alli coming up the steps. I quickly stuff the paper in my bag and wiped my face.

"Hey you almost ready? I don't know how Eli likes his spaghetti but I'm sure it's not cold." She teased and I nodded. I had to hold it together for Eli's sake. I couldn't take my problems into his house and throw them on him. I took a deep breath and smiled. I knew it was fake but I was hoping that the moment I saw him it wouldn't be.

**[Eli's POV]**

I had been in therapy for over 3 hours when we finally got home. Cece wasn't happy at all that I had ventured out to Julia's old home and that Clare had accompanied me. Bullfrog stayed silent for most of it but he didn't seem upset.

"I'll get started on dinner. I'm sure you haven't eaten all day." Cece said sounding annoyed.

"I had breakfast but I'm not really that hungry anyway." I said hanging up my jacket.

"Okay fine. Don't eat." She slammed the fridge shut and walked back into the laundry room.

"Give her some time. She just worries you will try to hurt yourself again." Bullfrog said and I nodded.

"I know the drill Dad. If I get those thoughts again I'll say something but I honestly haven't had those in my head lately. I've been getting help." I said sitting down in the living room.

"From Clare?" Bullfrog asked looking at me and I slowly met his gaze.

"Thing's are different now Dad. I'm being careful though. I know that things change all the time but you don't understand. The more I try to scare her with this and push her away it's like the more she holds on for dear life." I explained.

"I understand." I looked at him confused.

"You do? I thought you would be mad?" I asked and Bullfrog nodded.

"All the things that have happened between you two I've never once thought that girl didn't love you. At the end of the day she's still a teenage girl though and whether your mother realizes it or not she did the same thing with me." I felt my eyebrows raise.

"What do you-" Before I could ask Cece stomped into the room.

"Who's are these?" She held up the shredded dress of Clare's and I sighed.

"Elijah Goldsworthy, who do these belong to?" She asked waiting for me to say her name.

"Cece..." Bullfrog spoke up and she kept her eyes on me.

"They're Clare's. She had a mishap at a party and stayed the night on Friday." I said honestly. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Are you trying to set yourself up for a fall? Are you?" She asked me and I stood up.

"Mom, I'm not setting myself up for anything. Will you please just stop-" She cut me off.

"SHE LEFT YOU ELI! SHE LEFT YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED HER MOST! DID YOU FORGET THAT? OR HOW ABOUT WHY YOU DECIDED TO TRY AND KILL YOURSELF? DOES A SMILE AND HER NEEDING YOU MAKE ALL OF THAT GO AWAY!" She yelled at me for the first time in a long time.

"That's enough!" Bullfrog stood up.

"No it's not!" She said still looking at me.

"YES, IT IS!" Bullfrog raised his voice and her eyes were now on him.

"Dad-" Bullfrog put his hand on my shoulder.

"When I found out you were pregnant I panicked. I lost my mind and started drinking and you did everything to try and save me but you couldn't. It took you walking away from me when I begged you not to in order for me to get the help I needed and straighten my life out and I did. I realized that I wanted a family with you." Bullfrog made this revelation and Cece's eyes never once left his.

"I'm sorry our boy has the problems he has but you've got to let him love who he wants to love. You walking away from me saved my life and I still managed to marry you and have a wonderful family." He stepped closer to her and she had tears in her eyes.

"They're young just like we were. She was scared just like you were. She walked away just like you did and he fell apart just like I did. But here we are baby. You. Me. our boy. I love you more then life itself. I'd die for you. Give her the chance to love him the way I know you love me. Your love has made me a better husband, father and man." He put a hand on her cheek and I just stared blankly at them. I had no idea any of this happened with Cece and Bullfrog. I figured they were always crazy in love but it would seem no couple is perfect. She tried not to get upset but Bullfrog put his arms around her. She let tears flow and I felt horrible. This past year I had put my parents through the ringer and it was all coming to a front in my living room. She looked over at me.

"I just can't lose you babyboy. You're my child and I would die if I lost you. A mother is never supposed to outlive her baby." She said through her tears and I walked closer to her.

"I know mom and I'm so sorry for putting you through that but it wasn't Clare's fault. You've got to stop blaming her for my mistakes." I said sadly and she put her hand on my face. I took a breath and put my hand over hers. I heard a light knock at the door and remembered I gave Clare a key as the door opened.

"Hey it's me. I brought you some dinn-" She came around the corner and froze upon seeing my parents.

"I-uh-I'm so sorry." She started to stutter but I walked over to her.

"Last night when I got home from Julia's was the first time since the incident that I wanted to kill myself again." I looked over at Cece and Bullfrog and worry crossed their faces.

"The truth is, if I would have been alone with myself and my thoughts you would have come home to a dead son." Cece gripped her chest as I took Clare's hand.

"But Clare insisted on going with me. She kept reminding me of how strong I was and how I wasn't a horrible person. When I ran off she tracked me down and drove us all the way back home as dangerous as it was with having a measly learners. She helped me clean myself up and didn't even want to leave me alone in the bathroom to bathe by myself but when I did she was right there to bandage my hands and give me some tea with my meds." I explained to Cece more then Bullfrog.

"She volunteered to sleep on the couch so she wouldn't mess with my emotions but I told her I needed her and she held me through the whole night. She saved me Mom. Whatever you may think about her now, I can honestly say that she keeps saving me even with the smallest effort. She gives me hope to carry on. She makes me believe in myself." I looked back at Clare who still stayed frozen but I squeezed her hand.

"I love her. I'll always love her." She smiled at me and I could see tears in her eyes as she squeezed my hand back. I looked back to Cece and Bullfrog and Cece had composed herself sniffling and wiping at her eyes. She looked over my shoulder at Clare.

"And you think you're ready to handle all of this? Loving someone who has this kind of illness and struggles? You can't just come in and out whenever it gets too hard. You have to love him enough to work through the bad with him." Cece said and Clare stepped up to my side.

"I'm here, for real this time. The truth is...I love your son more than anything in this world. I need him just as much as he needs me. No one has ever made me feel as complete as he does no matter how much of a mess he may seem at times. I'm here and whether you like it or not I'm not going anywhere." Clare said confidently. Bullfrog smiled and gripped Cece's hand making her face lighten slightly after the challenging comment. She looked her up and down.

"What did you bring him?" She eyed the bag and Clare held her gaze.

"Spaghetti." She said simply.

"He doesn't like meat sauce." Cece informed.

"I know that's why I got him the regular sauce on the side with only a piece of garlic bread so it wouldn't give him heartburn." Clare said making Cece shake her head. We stood there kind of awkwardly for a moment before Bullfrog decided he'd break the silence.

"You know what they say. A way to a man's heart is through his stomach." He joked and I tried not to laugh until Cece should signs of lightening but she finally turned to him and put her hand on his heart.

"How do you think I've managed to hang onto you?" She smiled at him.

"I'd never let you go again baby." Bullfrog kissed Cece and I glanced over at Clare who looked unsettled. I pulled her into the kitchen and sat down at the table but she started heating up the food she brought.

"I'm sorry if I'm rushing things. You can just tell me to slow down." I said from the table but she took a breath before turning around and smiling at me.

"We can still take things slow." She said but something about the way she said it seemed unsettling. She plated the food for me just as Cece was walking into the kitchen. She walked up to Clare and looked at her as she held the plate. Without warning she wrapped her arms around her and hugged her. Clare held the plate out so it wouldn't fall on the floor but she slowly put her free arm on Cece's back.

"Thank you." She said to Clare as Clare took a breath.

"Thank you for giving me a second chance." Clare replied. She let go of Clare and touched her face. They exchanged apologies for what I assumed my mom slapping her but she kissed my head before leaving Clare and I in the kitchen. She handed me the plate and sat down in the chair next to me.

"So what did you do today to stay busy?" I asked as I took a bite of the spaghetti.

"Well I went to the library for a while and did some reading then I went to The Dot and saw Alli." I looked up at her.

"How did that go?" I asked curiously.

"We made up. She's come to the conclusion that you may not be such a bad guy after all." She said with a chuckle and I laughed.

"Well lucky me." I teased. I took a few more bites before I realized she was caught in her thoughts.

"What time are you going home? I'm sure your mom will start to get suspicious with you being gone so much." I asked pulling her from her thoughts to see her shift uncomfortably.

"Um no she's gone for the night so I packed enough clothes to last until Monday." She said brushing it off.

"Oh. Is everything okay?" I asked making her look at me.

"Yeah she's just been going out a lot lately. The divorce stuff is coming to an end so you know." She trailed off before getting up and washing her hands.

"You haven't said much about that. Is everything going alright with it? How are you holding up?" I asked picking my plate up.

"I'm fine. They fell out of love and are going their separate ways. It's for the best. My mom deserves better." She whispered as I cleared my plate.

"You seem to have a different view on things now. What brought on the change?" I asked curiously washing my plate but I turned to see she had pushed off the counter and was heading for the door.

"I've gotta go." She picked up her bag and I dropped the plate in the sink to quickly run to her.

"Clare, talk to me. What's going on?" I asked putting my hand on the door to stop her from going through.

"I'm not going to do this Eli. I won't put this on you right now. Not for a fresh start." I could tell she was trying not to get upset.

"What are you talking about? Just stop." I tried to turn her to face me but she wiped around to go for the back door.

"It's not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be there for you to lean on. Not the other way around." She said sniffling as she opened the backdoor. I threw my arms around her from behind and pulled her to my chest.

"No it's not supposed to be that way. You are supposed to let me lean on you and in return you lean on me when you need me. It can't work one way Clare. That's what killed us the first time. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere." I hugged her tightly as I talked directly into her ear. She only resisted for a moment before putting her hands on top of mine and relaxing into me. The moment I felt her sobs rack against my chest I turned her around to face me and she buried her face into my chest. I held her tightly as I walked us over to the chair and sat down.

"Talk to me, please." I lifted her chin and her eyes looked so pained. I hated seeing her hurting. She reached over to her bag and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper before handing it to me. I looked at it and saw it was the finalized divorced papers. I was just starting to get to the bottom of it when she spoke.

"He cheated on her...more than once." She said through her tears. I read the part she was so upset over and I suddenly felt helpless. How the hell was I supposed to stop this pain?

"All this time I was blaming her for not trying hard enough. I was pushing and pushing and it was probably killing her. I was pushing her to make it work with someone who was sneaking around with other women." She wiped at her face and I sat the letter down.

"Clare..." I took her hands and she shook her head.

"When did I become such a horrible person?" She looked at me with tears still flowing from her eyes.

"You aren't Clare. You aren't even close to being a horrible person." I said gripping her hands tightly.

"Look at what I did to you. I abandon you. I hurt Alli and pushed my mother into an unfaithful marriage. I'm a terrible girlfriend, crappy friend and a horrible daughter." She sobbed and I held her to my chest again. Cece and Bullfrog came around the corner and I shook my head so they would know it was a bad time.

"I'm sorry I'm putting this on you. You don't need this. These are my problems and I promised myself I wouldn't put this on you on top of everything else in your life." She cried pulling away from me. I shook my head at here.

"Clare you've been taking care of me and not letting me out of your sight for the past few days because you say you love me well you know how I feel about you and I will be here for you as long as you'll let me. I won't push you and I wont make you tell me things but I need for you to know that if you expect me to let you in that you've got to give me that same opening." I held her hands again and she just looked at me sadly.

"I don't want to set you back." She said in a high pitched voice trying not to get upset again. I glanced over at Cece who frowned. I rested my forehead against Clare's.

"I'm only moving forward with you Clare. I won't let you fall behind." I whispered to her. She put her arms around me and I hugged her for a few minutes before Cece and Bullfrog came in. She wiped her face quickly and tried to smile at them.

"I started a warm bath for you sweetie. I put some lilac and soothing beads in it to help you relax." Cece put a hand on Clare's back.

"Threw some extra pillows in Eli's room in case he hogs them." Bullfrog added. Clare shook her head.

"I don't know how you all can just accept me with open arms but I'll never be able to thank you." She said looking at them both.

"You don't have to thank us. Just take care of our boy and we'll do our best to take care of you." Cece touched Clare's cheek and smiled before glancing over at me. I helped Clare up and walked her upstairs to the bathroom. She turned around and looked at me.

"I don't have to stay if you guys are dealing with family stuff right now. I can go to Alli's." She said and I nodded.

"If you think my mom is going to let you go now you're crazy." I smiled at her and she finally smiled a genuine smile.

"Relax in the bath for a bit. I'm going to finish up my journal and maybe pick a movie for us to watch before bed. Okay?" I said and she nodded. I kissed her forehead before pulling the door shut. I walked into my room and forgot I had Clare's bag with me. I opened it up and pulled out some pajamas for her but as I pulled out the clothes a plastic bag got tangled around my hand. I didn't mean to glance in the bag but out of habit I gave a quick peek and saw the last thing I ever thought I'd see. I sat down on my bed and looked through the bag at the multiple boxes of condoms that Clare had purchased and felt a bit nervous. Clare and I were just starting to work on being this close again but I had no idea she had sex on her mind. I was reading through the boxes for awhile I guess because I didn't even hear Clare re-enter with a towel wrapped around her tightly.

"I wasn't sure what kind to buy." I jumped at the sound of her voice as she walked closer to me and sat down.

"Alli thought it would be best to buy one of everything so you could pick." She finished and I looked at her.

"I had no idea that you were thinking..." I looked at her and she sighed.

"I just want to be prepared in case we do decide to take that step." Clare said fiddling with the towel.

"I thought you were waiting until you got married?" I asked and she shook her head.

"What's marriage anymore? I was raised to believe I was supposed to wait until I'm married and my parents fell apart because my dad's a...I don't think marriage means you love each other. I think there's more to it." She put her hand on mine and I nodded.

"I respect your decision and if one day that comes up for us then I'd love to be that lucky guy but right now...Clare things are so all over the place for you and me I don't want to be a regret." I explained to her. She shook her head and smiled.

"I didn't come over to have sex with you Eli. I just like to have a handle on the future." I felt a bit relieved and put my hand atop the one she hand resting on mine.

"I'm honored that you bought these with me in mind." I smiled making her laugh.

"Think I could have my clothes now?" She asked before I moved to give her her clothes. She took them but before I let her walk away I grabbed her wrist. She turned back to me and I held up a box.

"Just for the record, these will work just fine." I said dangerously close to her face. She bit her lip and looked at me.

"Good to know." She replied before taking her clothes back to the bathroom. I cleared off the bed and pulled the sheets down. I changed into pajamas myself just as Clare was coming back in the room. She sat down on the bed and patted the place next to her. I sat down and sighed pushing a piece of her wet hair off her face.

"Everything's going to be okay." I said trying to reassure her. She shook her head before pushing me back to lay down with her but tonight she was resting her head on my chest. I laced my fingers with hers as we lay in silence.

"Do you still believe in a forever with me?" Clare spoke catching me off guard.

"I've learned that it's never good to plan too far ahead but when I think of the future I don't see you not being apart of it." I explained feeling her sigh.

"Good." Clare's breathing started to ease and I listened to her breathe softly until we both fell asleep.

** [Clare's POV]**

After spending most of Sunday with Eli and his family I spent the night over at Alli's catching her up on everything that's been going on with us and how we were supposed to take another trip next weekend to see Julia's mom. He seemed almost more nervous about visiting Julia's mom and he wasn't ready to explain why yet. I had called Wesley and he hadn't picked up so I assumed he was busy. Monday morning I got to school and saw Eli waiting out front for me. He said good morning to Alli and she replied pleasantly and I felt my world's collide nicely for the first time.

"How did you sleep?" Eli asked me as we started to walk inside.

"Pretty good. Sav was asking about you. Maybe you should have lunch with him?" I offered and he laughed.

"Setting up lunch dates for me?" He mocked and I hit his arm.

"Just trying to be nice." I started to walk in front of him but he pulled me back closing the distance between us.

"I know...thank you." He kissed my cheek before we headed into the school. We immediately noticed the security running around. Mr. Simpson came out to greet us.

"Eli I need to have a word with you. It's about those websites." Eli sighed.

"Honestly sir, I'd rather just forget about them." Eli said.

"Did you find the person who started it?" I asked curiously and Mr. Simpson looked at me sternly.

"We did but right now there is a lot up in the air. If I could just borrow you for a moment." Mr. Simpson pointed to the guidance office and I nudged Eli.

"I'll see you at lunch." I said hoping he would go. He nodded and followed Mr. Simpson. I glanced over at Mr. Simpson's office and saw Wesley sitting in a chair with his back towards the door. I noticed no one in the office so I walked in and looked at him.

"You? You started the site?" I asked in disbelief. Wesley's head shot up and he looked shocked.

"I'm sorry Clare. We didn't know what to do. We were scared." Wesley tried to explain but I was so angry I wanted to hit him myself.

"What do you mean scared? Scared of what?" I asked angrily. He shook his head.

"Ms. Edwards, you aren't supposed to be in here." The office attendant came in and I looked at Wesley who put his head in his hands. My first thought was to find Connor and get to the bottom of this. I checked his first class and realized he wasn't here today so I took the bus to his house. I still remembered where he lived with Mr. Simpson and upon arriving I knocked heavily. I waited a few minutes before knocking again and the door opened slowly. If I thought Wesley was bad then I had another thing coming. Connor was twice as bad and had an arm cast.

"Clare?" He spoke and sounded like he had a sore throat. I pushed past him and stomped into the house before turning around to look at him.

"How could you and Wesley start a hate site? You know how hard it is to go to school at Degrassi when people look down on anyone who is remotely different and you go out of your way to start a stupid website in order to tear someone down? How could you be so horrible? I thought I knew you and Wesley to be warmhearted people. Accepting of outsides like we once were. HOW COULD YOU!" I shouted finally.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Connor said discouraged. I stepped closer to him.

"Try me." I said almost threatening him but he huffed.

"Why would you believe us over your boyfriend?" His words confused me.

"What? I don't have a boyfriend." I said looking at him.

"Yeah well you might want to let Fitz know that." Connor said moving away from the door and into the kitchen. I let it sink in for a minute before speaking.

"Fitz did all of this?" I asked making Connor turn around.

"Fitz came to Wes and I. Told us that he needed help making a website. It wasn't until after we helped make the website that he was going to use it to hurt Eli. We tried to back out and he beat up Wesley. The worst things started to get the more I realized I would rather him beat me up then continue to hurt someone. He threatened us both and told us that he would turn us in or hurt Wesley's girlfriend but when I told him that Simpson would believe me over him any day he did this." He gestured to his arm and face.

"Wesley came over the other night and we finally decided to just turn ourselves in. That way Fitz had nothing over us and he would have no reason to hurt anyone else." He sighed sitting down.

"You will never know how sorry we are Clare. We didn't want anyone to get hurt, especially you." Connor looked down at his hands and I walked over and sat next to him.

"It's not your fault. Fitz had me fooled he was a good guy but I promise you I will make this right. You guys don't need to take the fall for someone like him. He's poison and he must be stopped." My words made Connor look at me.

"It's not worth it Clare. We were nobody's before so taking this rap wont be any worse." I frowned at Connor before taking a breath.

"He attacked me on Friday. It took almost being..." I stopped myself and Connor turned his body fully towards me.

"I won't let two people with kind hearts take the fall for someone who is so horrible. Trust me, he's had this coming for a long time." I said confidently. Connor stared at me with concern.

"Did he...?" He stopped and I shook my head.

"No. Eli saved me. Thank God." I said relieved.

"He's a good guy. I don't care what people say or whatever happened with the accident." I smiled slightly before it got quiet.

"I should get going. Eli's going to be expecting me at lunch." I stood up and Connor nodded.

"I'm sorry Fitz hurt you." I said walking to the door.

"I'm sorry he hurt you too." Connor responded. I walked out of the door and called a cab. I was back at the school just in time to run into Fitz putting a note in my locker. I tried to keep it together as I walked up to him.

"What do you think you're doing?" I asked making him jump.

"Hey, I was wondering if we could talk about Friday." He stepped closer and I put my hand up.

"No I think we should talk about how you've been playing me this whole time." I said putting my arms across my chest.

"What? What are you talking about?" He played stupid.

"I KNOW THE TRUTH! I KNOW EVERYTHING!" I shouted at him. He still stood there dumbfounded.

"I know that you beat up Wesley and Connor. I know you threatened them to make that hate site and I know that you've been playing me against Eli this whole time." I said watching his face. He shook his head.

"What? Who told you those lies?" He stepped closer and I put my hands up.

"Don't. Don't try and tell me it wasn't you because I know it was. You've been lying from the start and I'm done listening to you. Whatever you thought we could ever be I want you to stop thinking it right now because I will NEVER be with someone like you. You are a liar and a sneak and everything that makes you who you are is everything that I despise. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for a person and I want nothing to do with you. You are scum." I watched his jaw clench.

"So what? Yeah I had the nerd patrol make the site and when they decided they wanted out I roughed them up. Everything I've done was to protect you from that psycho, Clare. You don't understand that because your mind stays wrapped around him but if you just opened up your eyes you would see that he's not right for you. He's a monster Clare. He killed Declan and he's constantly hurting you." Fitz stepped forward and I looked him straight in the eye.

"I could be perfect for you Clare. I would never hurt you again." Fitz put his hand on my cheek and I cringed as he got dangerously close.

"There is one thing that you are that Eli could never be." I said as he moved in to kiss me. I kneed him hard and remembered what Bullfrog showed me on Sunday after I talking to him about the attack. I squeezed my fist and pulled back before haling off and hitting him as hard as I could in the face sending him to the ground.

"A pathetic coward." I spat as he sat on his butt stunned. It only took him a moment before he gritted his teeth and jumped up backing me into the lockers.

"You little-" He was pulled off of me and picked up off his feet by Connor who held up up against the lockers.

"Don't touch her." He said through a clenched jaw.

"Get off of me geek. By the end of the day your ass will be out of here anyway." Fitz thrashed.

"Oh yeah? Not after I show Simpson that computer lab recording." Connor held up his cell phone and a video played of Fitz threatening the boys.

"Or how about the back alley security footage of you jumping Wesley?" He scrolled over and showed him that too while he thrashed.

"If all of those don't get you out of here how about Clare sits down and talks about how you attacked her? I'm sure someone is bound to listen." Connor was confident and strong as he held Fitz up.

"Someone already has listened." We all looked over our shoulders and saw Simpson standing with two security guards, Wesley and Eli. Security rushed over and took Fitz from Connor's grasp as Simpson walked over to the both of us.

"You could have told me. I would have believed you." He said to Connor. He just nodded and looked at me.

"You okay?" He asked me and I smiled before hugging him.

"I will be. Thank you." He winced at me crushing his arm before laughing.

"What do we do now?" Wesley asked.

"We head back to my office and talk about what we're going to do with Mr. Fitzgerald. We'll get to the bottom of this." He touched my shoulder and looked at me.

"I think you should talk to the Ms. Sovay though." I nodded at him before heading back to the office. I sat in Ms. Sovay's office for what seemed like forever when she finally let me out I was exhausted. Mr. Simpson stopped me as soon as I walked out.

"I thought you should know that Mr. Fitzgerald has been expelled and there will also be criminal charges filled by myself and Wesley's parents for his assault on the boys. I tried calling your mother to see if you always wanted to press charges but she was unavailable. Should I call her in for a meeting?" He asked and I sighed.

"No I just want him gone and he is. That's enough for me." I said rubbing at my eyes. He put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him.

"You are a very strong girl Clare. You should be very proud of yourself. I know one person who is." He glanced down the hall but I didn't see anyone.

"Take care of yourself." He said once more before walking back in his office. I was a bit confused but headed down the hall until I saw Eli sitting in front of my locker playing with the rings on his finger. He jumped up when he saw me and I smiled at him.

"Hey, you waited for me." I smiled but he just put his arms around me. I savored his arms wrapped around me for a few moments before he pulled away and looked at me.

"The next time you decide to pull a Harriet the Spy you think you could let me know?" He teased and I laughed.

"Sure thing." I replied resting my hands on his chest. He pushed some of my bangs out of my face with his thumb.

"You're always saving me." He sighed.

"Just consider it a running tab. You can save me the next time." I smiled at him. He finally smiled before looking down at my hand.

"Come on Rocky. Let's get some ice on that hand." He took my hand and we started out of the school.

"Bullfrog was right. Holding your fist like that helps." I said shaking my slightly pained hand out making Eli snort.

"Whatever happened to an eye for an eye?" Eli asked and I merely shrugged.

"Adam was right. Gandhi never met Fitz." I deadpanned.

* * *

**Merry Christmas :)**


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